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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH's father to accept all the children?

30 replies

Rainbow · 21/04/2012 14:23

DH's father cut all contact with him 20 years ago. Then, 18 months ago, DH's sister got in contact with him and DH has started to see him again. DH and I married 2 years ago and DH took on my 3 boys as his own. We then had a son together who is now 1yo. We felt that, because of the 18 year gap, it was too early to involve the children until DH had got to know his father better. DSs did meet DH's family twice over a year, in a restaurant which was OK but not ideal. DS1 is 17yo DS2 is 11yo and DS3 is 9yo. Our decision was that all boys were equal and were going to be treated as brothers. Things exploded after several atttempts to include that side and let them get to know the boys properly ended in a very rude e mail fro SIL1, saying that DS2 and 3 were unruly, uncaring and lacked manners, (totally untrue) and they wanted nothing more to do with them or me, but DH's father has just said that he want to get to know DS4. That is fine by me and DH but DH's father does not want DS2 and 3 around his house (he has a show house not a home). My suggestion was take them all out for the day, to the zoo etc with DH (I have no relationship with them because of the emails) or to a cafe etc. I have come up with suggestion after suggestion but DH's father says he want DS4 to come to his house with DH, alone, once a month and he will not be at all flexible. he has also threatened court action. I do not want to hurt or upset DS2 and 3 as they have already had enough upset in their shorts lives to last an entire lifetime. This is now causing big problems between DH and myself as he thinks his father is being reasonable.
AIBU by saying DS4 is our son and our decision is that if you want to see him these are the terms?

OP posts:

HecateTrivia · 21/04/2012 14:28

If your husband thinks his father is being reasonable to want nothing to do with children that are not biologically your husband's, then I think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband and find out exactly how committed he actually is to the idea that all the children of your family are equal.

Because by saying his father is being reasonable, he is saying that there is a difference between the children. He can't have it both ways. Either he's 'taken them on as his own' or he hasn't.

Gay40 · 21/04/2012 14:31

I can see both sides of this.

On the one hand, you and DH are a family unit with your 4 boys. Older children are more difficult to get to know compared to a baby, and this would be the case even if your DH was the birth father of all 4 children.
On the other hand, DH's dad feels he has no connection to your eldest three, despite not seeing his own son for 20 years which does seem hypocritical to me, tbh.
Your FIL sounds quite controlling, and on that basis alone I'd set firm rules and stick to them. Court action? On the grounds of what??

ENormaSnob · 21/04/2012 14:32

What Hecate said.

AceOfBase · 21/04/2012 14:36

The courts would laugh him out. Yanbu at all. I think though its entirely up to your dh what he wants to do, providing it doesn't negatively affect ANY of your boys

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/04/2012 14:36

YANBU. Your family is DH and your four children. For a man to turn up out of the woodwork after 20 years and then try to dictate which members of your family are acceptable and unacceptable is appalling. Why is DH so keen to say 'how high' when this ridiculous man says 'jump'?

Do not let him drive a wedge between you. I believe that is all he is trying to achieve.

bobbledunk · 21/04/2012 14:44

Why should he have to fake interest in your children to see his grandchild? Your dh may now see them as his own but it's unreasonable to expect this man to be as interested in them as he is of his own biological grandchild.

People can pretend that genetics are unimportant but truthfully for most people they are.

bobbledunk · 21/04/2012 14:45

*are very important.

OTTMummA · 21/04/2012 14:46

wow, what a lovely father, grandfather, and fil he sounds
I would of stuggled not to laugh myself into hysterics if he mentioned the courts tbh.
Does he really believe that a court will give him access to a grandson when he hasn't bothered to maintain a steady relationship with his own son for the last 20 yrs?
Is dh wanting to keep in touch with him, because to be frank he doesn't sound worth it.

Gigondas · 21/04/2012 14:47

Wow bobbledunk- that's most adopted families split then ..

HecateTrivia · 21/04/2012 14:47

That's a shame for children who are adopted then, bobble. Isn't it?

OTTMummA · 21/04/2012 14:48

What is unreasonable bobbledunk is to exclude siblings from spending time with their step dad and other siblings, and to demand and then threaten the mother of your grandchild when you haven't bothered with your own son for 20 yrs.

tittytittyhanghang · 21/04/2012 14:53

What hectate said said as well.

DH's father has just said that he want to get to know DS4. That is fine by me

But it obviously isn't fine by you, as he effectively wants nothing to do with your other ds's and you have problem with that.

Tbh, id be a bit towards people who were couldn't accept children within a family unit because of lack of genetic connection.

diddl · 21/04/2012 14:55

Well I think YABU to expect him to accept all the children.

He doesn´t have to -it´s his losschoice.

Isn´t the issue with the fact that your husband is OK with it?

Harecare · 21/04/2012 14:59

Do you want to deprive DS4 the opportunity of knowing his Grandad? Maybe it would actually be quite nice for the older DS's to have a day out with their Mum without the baby brother in tow?
Do the older DSs really want to spend time with this misery man? DS4 is younger so has little choice, but if you gave the older ones the choice of day at the zoo with you or day in Grandad's show home, what would they choose?

You don't have to think it's reasonable that he doesn't want to see you or the older boys, but that's the way he is, so do you really want to spend time with him?
You can't blame DH for wanting to rekindle his relationship with his Dad and using DS4 to forge that bond. It doesn't mean he loves the elder DSs any less, perhaps he just thinks it'd be easier for it to be him and DS4 due to the ages and different interests of all your sons.

Teeb · 21/04/2012 15:03

Do the older children have contact with their father and his family?

OTTMummA · 21/04/2012 15:05

Do you want your son to be around a horrid, demanding, entitled man? even if he is his grandad?

I don't see why he is being so rigid, why is it too much effort for him to be around 3 other children, who are related to his 'blood related grandson'?
They may well not be that interested in him tbh, but why should you have to be excluded from any activity with ds4 just because this lousey waste of space suddenly wants to take an interest?

AThingInYourLife · 21/04/2012 15:13

"Do you want your son to be around a horrid, demanding, entitled man? even if he is his grandad?"

Quite.

Sharing genetic material with an utter cunt of a man doesn't mean he has anything of value to bring to your life.

Why would your husband even consider meeting the demands of this low life?

He's prepared to destroy the family you two have built together to keep Daddy happy?

What's that about?

wolvesdidit · 21/04/2012 15:13

He sounds vile and you and your DH should not be allowing ANYONE to create a division in your home. Stand up for your children. Your DH sounds in thrall to him.

HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 21/04/2012 15:15

This guy doesn't seem like someone I'd want to be around at all, but I'm not sure why you would push the issue of him bonding with the older children. Just because your DH considers them his children doesn't mean that the rest of his family will do the same. I had a step-family and they were lovely to me but I still knew I was different from the cousins and (as long as everything seemed fair) it never bothered me - I had my own GPs anyway.

GnomeDePlume · 21/04/2012 15:18

What is this obsession with having a relationship with extended family members no matter how vile they are?

Plenty of people dont have a relationship with GPs for one reason and another and manage to get through life just fine.

diddl · 21/04/2012 15:25

"You can't blame DH for wanting to rekindle his relationship with his Dad and using DS4 to forge that bond."

I don´t get why anyone would be so desperate that they would use their own child to for(c)ge a relationship with a parent.

Harecare · 21/04/2012 15:43

I think if I'd not spoken to my Mum or Dad in 20 years I'd be pretty desperate.

Bringing along the baby gives them something to talk about aside from why they've not spoken for 20 years. If DH went on his own he may not have a lot to say, DS4 is a sort of neutral territory ice breaker. They can still talk while he's there though, whereas with a 9 and 11 year old in tow DH and his Dad will have less scope to talk about their relationship or even just build a relationship based on seeing each other once a month.
Perhaps that's why DH sees it as reasonable, he sees these once a month meetings about his relationship with his Dad less than the relationship between his DS4 and GD or his elder DSSs.

Sandalwood · 21/04/2012 15:46

Do the 4 DCs have much to do with the older DC's extended family? Or father?

hattifattner · 21/04/2012 15:54

"rude e mail from SIL1....and they wanted nothing more to do with them or me, "

WHat a charming family your DH has. Id suggest that you come as a package. If your DH took on your family and accepts the other boys as his own, then the rest of the family should not be dictating who they will and will not deign to see. Your DH needs to stand up for you and all the kids.

Trifle · 21/04/2012 15:56

Why was it DH's sister who got them back in touch again and not his dad. Had she not got involved would they have gone another 20 years without speaking.

Does DH's sister accept all 4 children and look upon your 3 boys as her 'nephews' ? What about other members of DH's family.

Your 3 older boys are not the grandfathers blood family, they are strangers he has never known but now is told that it's all or nothing.

Why did the original rift appear in the first place. It seems your DH should sort out his issues with his dad first before trying to forge a relationship with his children.

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