to expect DH's father to accept all the children?

[Rainbow]

DH's father cut all contact with him 20 years ago. Then, 18 months ago, DH's sister got in contact with him and DH has started to see him again. DH and I married 2 years ago and DH took on my 3 boys as his own. We then had a son together who is now 1yo. We felt that, because of the 18 year gap, it was too early to involve the children until DH had got to know his father better. DSs did meet DH's family twice over a year, in a restaurant which was OK but not ideal. DS1 is 17yo DS2 is 11yo and DS3 is 9yo. Our decision was that all boys were equal and were going to be treated as brothers. Things exploded after several atttempts to include that side and let them get to know the boys properly ended in a very rude e mail fro SIL1, saying that DS2 and 3 were unruly, uncaring and lacked manners, (totally untrue) and they wanted nothing more to do with them or me, but DH's father has just said that he want to get to know DS4. That is fine by me and DH but DH's father does not want DS2 and 3 around his house (he has a show house not a home). My suggestion was take them all out for the day, to the zoo etc with DH (I have no relationship with them because of the emails) or to a cafe etc. I have come up with suggestion after suggestion but DH's father says he want DS4 to come to his house with DH, alone, once a month and he will not be at all flexible. he has also threatened court action. I do not want to hurt or upset DS2 and 3 as they have already had enough upset in their shorts lives to last an entire lifetime. This is now causing big problems between DH and myself as he thinks his father is being reasonable.
AIBU by saying DS4 is our son and our decision is that if you want to see him these are the terms?

"It seems your DH should sort out his issues with his dad first before trying to forge a relationship with his children."

Exactly that.

I think in this situation, its better that the older DSs not forge a relationship with the FIL because there might not even be a relationship with your DH. Until that relationship is established, keep and protect the children from any unpleasantness.

The youngest DS will have no real concept or memory of FIL if he decides to stop contact with your DH in a year or two or even less. They are only meeting once a month.

Thanks everyone.

No Teeb they don't, their father was alcoholicand deserted them ( see upset link in first para for full story)
Gay40, court action to get action lmao
Harecare, DH has been seeing his father for a few months on his own
OTTMumma, my thoughts exactly.
Helenbaabaa, the only reason I push it is because ds2 is incredibly insecure at present. We have had a number of problems with him feeling that he is being "replaced" etc and then we came within 15 minutes of losing DS4 and him dying. I don't want to force the other 3 on FIL but I want them to be able to choose to go should they want to.

Maybe give your sons the choice then even though you know they're not welcome at the GDs. "Would you like to go bowling/swimming/to the park/something else fun or go to DH's Dad's house?" The older DSs don't need to know they aren't welcome, but they have met him so probably won't want to go. You can then say to DH "Would it be OK if you just went to your Dad's on your own this time? Or actually, if you take DS4 it'll make things easier for us at the bowling alley/pool/park etc."
Maybe after seeing his Dad on his own he's run out of things to say? Maybe he's taking a step towards getting the whole family accepted by taking DS4?
A house visit to a show home with a 1 year old is very different to a house visit with a 9 and 11 year old no matter how lovely they are. Most 9 and 11 year olds don't want to just sit in a house with no toys and listen to the boring adults while sitting nicely drinking tea.

It is possible to agree that the old man should be able to accept ALL DH's children and yet still agree that it is more practical to ONLY bring the 1 year old.
Do you REALLY want to spend time with him? You've got a great get out. Perhaps the older DSs will appreciate getting their Mum back to themselves once a month, the following week you can have a day with DS4 while DH gets to take the older boys somewhere fun. You don't always have to do everything altogether.

Trifle, the cause of the rift is unknown. FIL inherited a lot of money as did his brother around the time that both men deserted their kids. Since the reunion, FIL has said that his marriages hadn't lasted long with the "children" around and he had to make a choice between wife 6 and his 5 children (3 by wife1, 1 by wife2 and 1 by wife 4). He chose wife6! Had SIL1 l not got in touch probably, she got in contact because she says life is too short. DHs mum left when he was 5 , they met her once 20 years later and she died in the November, they also lost DHs uncle in the September. SIL1 is a police officer as was her uncle and in was on the police computer that he had died. Only way they found out and she had to tell his kids.

Sil2 yes she does, but she has nothing to do with her dad. SIL1, who lives with her dad now, no she doesn't, BIL1 lives in new Zealand and has visited once but I don't know how he feels. He was very arms length even with DS4 but as I don't really know him, I don't know if he is like that anyway. DH lost contact with Brother2 about 20 years ago.

Spend time with him harecare? No I don't but I would, reluctantly, if it made it easier for DH.
It hard because I have been in this sort of situation before. My dad's mum tried to split my sisters and me, I could do no wrong, sis1 could do no right and sis2 was often forgotten. My dad did eventually see what she was doing and he stood up for us and my mum. In a way, that's what I want DH to do but I can't make him. He needs to see it for himself. Not a bad idea harecare I might try that x