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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get annoyed about male attention??

86 replies

Scowlett · 21/04/2012 13:01

I wore a tight top under a cardi yesterday, and was really riled by men looking at my breasts rather than my face.

I know we all clock the overall picture but I still wanted to smack 'em.

OP posts:

IDontWannaBeAStupidGirl · 21/04/2012 15:16

Men staring obviously at womens' breasts is intimidating - and usually designed to be so. Just to remind you of your place in the scheme of things as a piece of meat for their titillation.

Decent men look much more surreptitiously.

Doesn't mean that some women (eg Coco) don't deliberately court this attention.

Teeb · 21/04/2012 15:17

From a couple of the posts you've made though, the office environment does seem quite sexually threatening. What is the mix like of men and women?

I think with the bereavement and anxiety you are suffering right now, you might seem to feel unable to speak up about how uncomfortable you are being made to feel. Are there any female colleagues or a HR department you could have a casual conversation with?

LadyBeagleEyes · 21/04/2012 15:18

I'm not a troll
Nobody accused you of being one.
If men at work are staring at your breasts and not taking you seriously, report them.
I still think this is a rather odd thread.

AutumnSummers · 21/04/2012 15:20

You said before that you're not very good at reading body language and can't tell if someone is intereted in you, so how would you know what they were thinking when they looked at you?

Original poster

Scowlett · 21/04/2012 15:23

Lady yes it is weird, my thinking is all over the place at the moment so it's a reflection of that.

Teeb thanks I have thought that, I did have someone else make a pass and I freaked out about that, I might speak to my HR about that - I just took a couple of days off when it happened. He felt me up and I shouted at him. I don't understand why men seem to like vulnerable women??? But anyway this has gone totally off track. Yes I do work in a strange environment and it's not great at present.

OP posts:

FreudianSlipper · 21/04/2012 15:24

i know there are at times when you do not want attention at all and it can make you feel very uncomfortable no matter whom it is from and i think if you are in that frame of mind sometimes it is picked up on, vulnerability is an attraction for some even if they are not aware

you need to learn the stare, i can make a man blush with the stare that says i have caught you and i am not amused followed by the rolling of the eyes to make them feel a twat.

no one should feel uncomfortable but it is human nature to look (i can not help but have a quick glance when i see men in tracksuit bottoms or cycling shorts it does not really matter what they look like). I blush when my pilates teacher talks to me and dare not move my eyes from his face

Helltotheno · 21/04/2012 15:26

Having men leer at you because you aren't wearing a loose fitting poloneck and an ankle length skirt is not on. They should be professional. Don't you think?

Yes I agree and I'm not saying that what OP is wearing is attention-grabbing, in fact, if that's what's happening in her work regularly, she needs to report it.

BUT I have seen plenty of what I would consider inappropriate clobber in the workplace, for example I'd have no hesitation wearing a cleavage-y tight top out or into town, which would get noticed, but I'd never wear that to work cos I know it would be a distraction.

Helltotheno · 21/04/2012 15:29

I don't understand why men seem to like vulnerable women???

Because there's more of a chance that a vulnerable woman won't confront them and tell em to fcuk off OP that's why. Men can sniff that out...
Try being a bit more distant at work and keep it professional at all times; also, I'd avoid any type of sexual relationship with anyone in work.

Teeb · 21/04/2012 15:33

You shouldn't have colleagues coming on to you or being felt up. Absolutely not.

There are certain men who will prey on vulnerable women because they feel you are weak and passive to their advances. If you let these events go unreported then the men will continue to feel that way. I'm sorry you're having a hard time, I think you need to compose yourself and speak with someone who can take action.

I myself was sexually assaulted in the workplace and blamed myself for wondering if I had done something wrong or lead him to believe that I was 'available' (which is silly really) and promptly left. I think, particularly with you being unhappy there in general, it might be a good time to look elsewhere for work.

FashionEaster · 21/04/2012 15:37

They also rely on your embarrassment and reserve not to get fucking angry about it and make a god awful stink. Or look inwardly and think somehow it's your fault. No, you have just met a sleeze.

Latara · 21/04/2012 15:59

Men do like vulnerable women - also creepy types look for any perceived 'weakness' & will exploit it. I'm lucky at my workplace (NHS) because we have a good equal opportunities policy - i know that if i was in a situation i can't deal with then i can complain & the guy's feet would not touch the floor so to speak. It's the same at my Dad's workplace, which is an American - owned factory.
But until she recently changed jobs; my sister had to cope with a LOT of sexist hassle, really bad stuff. The owner of the company did get taken to tribunals a few times but he is so rich he just paid the fines or paid off the complainant. In that kind of situation you can't win I'm afraid.

FashionEaster · 21/04/2012 16:11

You probably need to don some metaphorical armour, hang out on the feminist board, and become more assertive. The challenging stare (that you would give anyone behaving like a moron), a no-nonsense businesslike approach and taking to task the first sign of any sexism means takes the "sex" out of the workplace.

At my workplace the is a small but vocal sexist group (they aren't always but can be) but I specialise in quiet verbal scorn, the look (the one where you fix them with a look over imaginary glasses) and they just don't dare because they would look like twats. God, I sound a joy don't I? Am not a loud, ballsy woman but I can exude chill and disapproval.

You need to find techniques that allow you to be assertive and no-nonsense too.

mumofbumblebea · 21/04/2012 16:13

i have to be honest if i have very little make up on or am having a spotty day, i'd much rather have someone looking a my boobs than my face

BlueFergie · 21/04/2012 16:13

I can't believe that some people on this thread thought the appropriate response to this OP was to tell her to cover up. Like it was her fault that some creeps were leering at her. Or even suggesting she should be grateful for it .
Fucking hell and we wonder why there is an attitude of 'she has to take some of the blame' towards sexual assault victims.
As for bringing up other threads. Well out of order.

BumpingFuglies · 21/04/2012 16:20

I'd take it as flattery and if you don't want men to look, wear a sack. I rather like it when I get an appreciative look.

Apparently I have a "nice rack"

FashionEaster · 21/04/2012 16:26

Did you report the sexual assault?

LentillyFart · 21/04/2012 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

FashionEaster · 21/04/2012 16:29

I didn't mean to suggest that you just change your approach but becoming more assertive can remove that the leering and other untoward behaviour. I hope you did report him.

AutumnSummers · 21/04/2012 16:31

mumofbumblebee

WorraLiberty · 21/04/2012 16:34

What Lentilly said.

I was going to say 'what Farty said'

But thought better of it

FashionEaster · 21/04/2012 16:35

LentillyFart, I rarely take issue with someone elses post but "issues" don't come along neatly packaged, one after the other, but normally heap up. If she gets support in dealing with a serious issue - sexual assault at work/preventing untoward attention - or even if she does post a lightweight topic, surely not worth chasing a poster off MN?

LentillyFart · 21/04/2012 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Helltotheno · 21/04/2012 16:43

LF please tell me you're nicer than that incredibly unappealing username?

Any woman who posts anything including the word 'affair', whether it be past, present or potential, can expect to be hounded off MN forthwith.. innit?

FashionEaster · 21/04/2012 16:47

Must admit I haven't, so if I'm off base I apologise Farty (assume she's had a fantasy about a married mentor at work?) but telling her to deal with her issues before she posts means she might not get the support she needs if she's getting sexually assaulted at work and not taking action over it. There can be a culture of women proving themselves at work/not making a 'fuss' and am concerned she is leaving herself vulnerable, especially after a bereavement which can shake faith in yourself.

LentillyFart · 21/04/2012 17:02

You equate 'niceness' with a person's user name hell? It's not like I've called myself IKillBabiesAndSmallFurryAnimals is it ffs?

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