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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up apologising when it wasn't ALL my fault?

34 replies

Joolyjoolyjoo · 20/04/2012 23:21

My car is on its last legs. It has been for about 2 years- problem after problem. DH huffs and puffs when he has to fix it, so it is with sinking heart whenever I have to inform him of a new issue. Many of the problems get ignored until MOT time, when DH spends a weekend swearing and banging under it.

A couple of weekends ago, DH spent the whole weekend fitting new brake discs and a new exhaust. It never goes smoothly. I always feel anxious. And it meant me having no car for almost a week, and me having to borrow mydad's car, which I hate, as I realise it will put him out (although he always says it's ok) Anyway, flicking through the local paper afterwards I saw an advert for a really good deal on a new (smaller), far more economical car, with warranty, free insurance, low road tax, 0% IFC, at a price we could afford. DH agreed it was a sensible move, as my current car is a bit of a mummy-mobile, and as the children are older and I have no pram and just one dog now, i don't really need a big car. We were going to look at it last weekend, but dd1s plans with her friend kind of messed that up, and the showroom was shut on Sunday. The MOT was due this week.

DH said that anyway they wouldn't accept our car as a trade in with an MOT due, so we had to go ahead and do it. Car failed Sad, and it's costing £145 to get it through. AND the garage broke something else (brake pipe?) while doing the MOT, and they can't possibly fix it until Monday, so car is in the garage until then.

DH came to my work (own business) to tell me this. I admit I had a bit of a rant Blush. I was upset a) because I didn't want to spend yet more money on a car we don't even want , b) because having spent that money, I am loathe to now just trade it in, so it looks like I am living with it for a while longer and c) there was no consultation with me. DH will be at work on Monday, so he won't be available to pick up the car, and I will be working. But he assumes my dad will do it (he will, but wouldn't it have been polite to ask him first before making the arrangement?)

DH was disgusted with me ranting and walked out. I calmed down, and have apologised several times for my rant. He says I am just "throwing all my toys out of the pram" because I didn't get what I wanted (a new car) He keeps saying I can still get a new car, but it doesn't make so much sense to me now, having spent so much on the current heap of shit vehicle. I have apologised several times. Work has been really stressful this week, I haven't even had time to go to the loo all day for the last couple of days! We have savings (which I was trying to keep for a holiday, first in 3y), but I really didn't want to dip into them for this (although will have to) It seems I'm not allowed to question his handling of this at all. I have accepted it's better now to wait (again!) for my new car, but still feel we have gone about this all wrong and am frustrated- with both of us, should have looked into it sooner.

So I have apologised. I know I handled it badly, but still getting the cold shoulder treatment, and, quite frankly, I think I had some grounds for being narked. So (if you've managed to get through all that!) AIBU? (I know I was, but I have apologised!) to be a bit miffed at DH

OP posts:
AKMD · 20/04/2012 23:26

It sounds like both of you were unreasonable. I would have been annoyed too but rants never get anywhere :)

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face - get the new car, sell/scrap the old one. Try www.webuyanycar.com

Original poster
Joolyjoolyjoo · 20/04/2012 23:33

DH won't even look at webuyanycar as he says they won't even give us the trade-in price! I know I was unreasonable but I have apologised (several times!) and now I'm fed up being the only person in the wrong here! I do get too wound up about things, I know that, and I have admitted it. DH is still up for getting the new car, but I kinda feel that, having spent the money on the shitheap, I should at least get the benefit of it for a while (until the next thing goes wrong...) Financially, I don't feel it makes as much sense now, and I've sort of lost heart for the whole project. I was very excited at the thought of a new car, but sensibility has to come into it (as always!)

OP posts:
MooBaaWoofCheep · 20/04/2012 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Joolyjoolyjoo · 20/04/2012 23:59

Hmm- I guess there is an element of truth in that! Tbh, I was a bit "too good to be true" at the thought of getting a new car (brand new- never before have I had something brand new!) and my natural pessimism ("that'll never happen"!) has possibly tempered my reaction. Of course, you realise if I do get a new car I won't be able to play the long-suffering martyr any more Wink...

OP posts:
suzikettles · 21/04/2012 00:07

You are throwing good money after bad .

Get rid of the car now - don't wait for something else to go wrong. Really, with better fuel economy, more reliable (cheaper tax & insurance maybe?), not needing to pay for an mot for a couple of years if it's new it's a no-brainer if you can afford it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/04/2012 00:08

"but I kinda feel that, having spent the money on the shitheap, I should at least get the benefit of it for a while "
Wrong, wrong, wrong. I totally agree with MBWC - dump it now, before anything else goes wrong. And stop apologising to DH; if he hasn't accepted it by now he never will, and if he has accepted it why are you still apologising?

Original poster
Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/04/2012 00:17

Aw, you guys... Grin I can see you are right. And I am going to have to climb down off my high horse. (and get a new car- whee!)

thanks, WhereYouLeftIt- that is why I have now got the arse with him! I'm not apologising any more, he can "hang as he grows" as my mum used to say! I've calmed down now, and you guys have made me see sense (you buggers!) Now, is there a way to get down off my high horse of martyrdom graciously?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 21/04/2012 07:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

steben · 21/04/2012 07:29

My DH can be like this so I can sympathise!!! No advice as I know f all about cars though.

RustyBear · 21/04/2012 07:33

If you're worried about wasting £145 on a car you are getting rid of, why buy a brand new car? You'll lose more than £145 on that the moment you drive it off the garage forecourt...

DPrince · 21/04/2012 07:37

The problem is th car is worth more in working order and with a 12 month mot. What the point in waiting until something else breaks? Regarding the apology, if you have genuinely apologised. Don't apologise any more.

Svrider · 21/04/2012 08:00

I NEED to know all about the new car
Colour
Make
Model
Specification

ErikNorseman · 21/04/2012 08:05

You can sell an old car if it has 12 months MOT. Long MOT is something I look for when buying my heaps of rust new cars. I don't think your DH was in the wrong actually, it's what we would have done.

mummyinspain · 21/04/2012 08:09

Have you phoned the garage and asked if they would take the car with / without MOT? most of them have a minimu trade in value ask what that is?

get new car and chill

MigratingCoconuts · 21/04/2012 08:09

sell the car!!! for all the reasons given in this thread.

But buy a decent second hande car instead, its value will keep much better..

Bingdweller · 21/04/2012 08:11

Think I'd trade the husband in, not the car.......

MigratingCoconuts · 21/04/2012 08:45
Grin
Original poster
Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/04/2012 08:59

Not sure I'd get much for the husband... Wink

I've never bought a new car before, and never believed in buying new cars, for all the reasons mentioned here regarding devaluation etc. the only reason I am considering it now is because I am sick of the stress of MOTs- all our cars have been second hand, and all have had problems aplenty, despite AA checks and dad and DH being pretty car savvy! Also the new car will cost £30 a year in road tax, and mine is currently £162 for six months!. They make the deal very attractive, and I do very low mileage now, so should be low mileage when I come to sell it again.

OP posts:
duckdodgers · 21/04/2012 10:23

You can still get a newer more reliable car thats only a few years old, much better value than a brand new car?

AutumnSummers · 21/04/2012 10:29

Your DH should be just as angry as you and induldged you your rant. If something bad happens with a large item in our house, we both tend to get pissy about it together if left at the whim of others to have it sorted.

I really think that he's deliberately making you feel bad because his first response is to cause you stress. It's OK for him to bang, swear and rant when fixing your car but not OK for you to be at the end of your tether about it?

It just seems really off of him.

RandomMess · 21/04/2012 10:31

Now is the best time to sell your car privately. Ask what they will give you for trade in for it and sell it privately for more than that.

I got double what I expected for my sadly departed espace on ebay!!

tb · 21/04/2012 11:05

I'd get the new car. We had arranged a trade-in on our old car and a price on the new one last year. Unfortunately, between doing the deal and delivery, the starter motor packed up. Cost us ?500 to replace. Could have wept, but we just thought that it showed we had been right to think of getting rid.

ENormaSnob · 21/04/2012 11:15

I would definitely get rid of the old car.

But, I wouldn't buy brand new. Been there and lost ££££

Personally I would buy something nearly new, maybe a year or 2 old.

ENormaSnob · 21/04/2012 11:18

What car do you have now and what will the new one be?

BuntyCollocks · 21/04/2012 11:18

It's a bit after the fact, but garages usually, or at least they did with us, trade in a car with an expired/nearly expired mot. They just take the price of the mot off what they'd offer you as a trade in value.

Glad they did for us: DH had fucked the engine by not putting oil in. Would have definitely failed and cost a bomb.