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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding question, sorry

61 replies

Clueslessbird · 20/04/2012 14:44

hI I'm a regular but name changed as don't want to be outed.

My only sister gets married in a couple of months, last minute thing. She has chosen her best friend as bridesmaid, her own and her partners brothers children are bridesmaids.
am I being unreasonable to be miffed that me and my child aren't anything than regular guests? I've never been a bridesmaid and diss knows I've always wanted to be one. Plus feel upset my own child is nothing than a regular guest. I'd even buy our own outfits if needed, but money isn't in short supply there end.

I feel incrediably hurt by this, but don't want to fall out. am I being unreasonable please? Ps my own child is same age as the bridesmaids so age not an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueslessbird · 20/04/2012 15:21

300 miles away

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueslessbird · 20/04/2012 15:23

Of course I think her own children should be bridesmaids but not really fair to have his nieces and not her own. I'm very upset for my child too.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 20/04/2012 15:24

ASK HER

TheMistsOfAvalon · 20/04/2012 15:24

YAdefoNBU

At the very least it is unthoughtful. Yes they can choose who they want to be bridesmaids etc, but I find it weird that you are her only sister and yet she hasn't thought of you or your DC. I mean if I were getting married it would be only natural for me to think 'well DP family are bridesmaids, so I'll ask my sister if her DC wants to be a bridesmaid too.'

Why wouldn't you want some representation from your own side of the family?

OhCobblers · 20/04/2012 15:25

we've never fallen out before

safe to say that you probably will if you let her know you're not attending her wedding, as she neglected to make you and your DC part of the wedding party.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/04/2012 15:26

Maybe to them 4 is a nice round number - she gets to choose her 2, her children, he gets to choose 2.

It is possible you are interpreting it as a slight when it's not meant as one Smile

Thumbwitch · 20/04/2012 15:28

OK, you slipped it in - you said your DC has SN - do you think this has any bearing on it at all? Or is there any other reason you can think of that your DC (DD?) hasn't been chosen to be part of the bridal group?

See, if you're a single parent, and your own parents can't attend, I can see why she hasn't asked you to be a BM - who would look after your DC? But I can't see why she hasn't included your DC, unless it does have something to do with the SN; or they're vastly different in age to the other children.

Hullygully · 20/04/2012 15:28

ASH HER

SHE IS YOUR SISTER

Original poster
Clueslessbird · 20/04/2012 15:28

Well why not chose one of her nieces and my dc then? Cruel obviously and I'd hate that done of course but no crueler than ignoring my dc.

OP posts:
iloveACK · 20/04/2012 15:28

I totally understand why you feel hurt, but be sure before you decide not to go that you won't regret that in the long run as its a pretty big signal to your sister that you're not bothered by her at all.

Could you speak to her about it? I don't mean have a go about things, but an honest conversation about feelings / concerns & the possibility of you not going.

lisaro · 20/04/2012 15:29

If you're sulking enough to consider not going because you're not getting your own way then it shows she is right not to include you. You sound very petulant tbh.
On the other side you've mentioned you have a child with special needs. Maybe she felt you'd need to care for the child rather than be in the wedding party.

thatisall · 20/04/2012 15:30

what's SN ?

Original poster
Clueslessbird · 20/04/2012 15:31

Exactly same age as one of her nieces so definitely not an age thing. Could be my child's special needs? Don't know. Don't want to fall out I'm not like that but it's upset me no end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueslessbird · 20/04/2012 15:32

Sn - special needs. Child has a disability and attends a special school.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 20/04/2012 15:33

WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER?

Original poster
Clueslessbird · 20/04/2012 15:33

I actually feel embarrassed that me and dc aren't bridesmaids. All grooms family have a role. That's why it hurts.

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 20/04/2012 15:34

It could be that as a couple they are closer to his nieces than your DC, you say they've moved away, it could be that your DSis's DP's nieces are a bigger part of their lives, and the lives of her DCs, do you see much of them?

I think you should go, apart from anything else, you would be representing your parents, I'm sure they will want to talk to you about it, for you to show them photos of you with your Dsis, it must be hard to be to ill to attend your own DD's wedding. Sad Plus, if you don't go, you are making it very clear that she isn't important to you. I'm sure there won't be a big falling out, but that draws a clear line going forward. Don't draw that line if you don't have to.

Hullygully · 20/04/2012 15:34

FOR THE LOVE OF LITTLE BABY JESUS WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER?

Thumbwitch · 20/04/2012 15:35

I think you do need to talk to her. I can understand why you'd want to refuse to go but think that through very carefully after you've phoned her to find out why your DC has been excluded.

I wouldn't honestly take offence at you not being included yourself - I do think that's a different thing - but I totally understand your upset for your DC.

thatisall · 20/04/2012 15:35

If you live far away from your sister and your child has SN, i would assume that she doesn't know her very well. Obv SN can mean any number of things, but maybe she doesn't know whether your dc could cope, or would be able to manage everyone looking at her, being on her feet etc etc. and is too frightened to doesn't want to upset you by asking you about it?

My niece had very severe ADHD and although it didn't bother me and she was a rather beautiful braid...her mother was extremely worried about it all and considered pulling her out.

If she doesn't see you and your dc very often she might just be worried about asking you about her SN

fivegomadindorset · 20/04/2012 15:37

I think you have answered your own question ' we are not very close'

nickelhasababy · 20/04/2012 15:37

You have to ask her.

Your DD's special needs - will they mean that she would need someone to look after her all day, that would end up being another one of the wedding party?
does your sister worry that maybe you'll be worried about your DD during the service etc and not able to enjoy the day?
does your sister think that maybe the responsibility of being a bridesmaid would be too much for your DD to cope with?

ASK HER.

HappyJoyful · 20/04/2012 15:39

I think there are some more issues here that are coming out.. It sounds like it would be a shame not to go, she's your sister and hopefully only getting married the once!

Seems like it might be a bit of a competitive / confidence thing going on ? you do say all her friends are in professional jobs and the topic of having less money crops up ?

If it was either of my sisters I'd do what no one has appeared to suggest and talk to her ?! Don't moan, don't be bitter and don't make assumptions, just pick up the phone and have a chat - sometimes my sister can be far more 'hard-nosed' about things then me and as she'd say, I'm more 'sensitive' to things..maybe your sister is just getting carried away in the moment (you do say it's last minute) and am sure she's not doing any of this deliberately.

I'd explain you are hurt that she knew you've always wanted to be a bridesmaid.. and that you are worried about how your dc will feel being left out of not being a bridesmaid.. Perhaps you could say you'd like to do a reading or to be a witness, how old is your dc ? perhaps you could involve them in writing a poem or something to read out ?

With regards to the cost - again, mention it to her ? Is it near her home - could you ask if you could stay there instead of having to book hotel ?

As I say, seems a shame to miss out on the day.. I generally find with things like this I enjoy them far more if I throw myself into and like others say - enjoy the bar !!

nickelhasababy · 20/04/2012 15:40

"If it was either of my sisters I'd do what no one has appeared to suggest and talk to her ?!"

there are shedloads of posts in capitals saying to ask her!
Grin

HappyJoyful · 20/04/2012 15:40

crossed posts - seems like everyone suggesting asking her at same time!