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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off with friend's comments about inheritance.

33 replies

lollingmum · 20/04/2012 12:37

Talking to a DF earlier and she said that I had no need to worry about the future like she does. Her reasoning - I am an only child and my DP are fairly wealthy and so she thinks I'm "sorted" for life.
That's such a stupid and insensitive thing to say isn't it?

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 20/04/2012 12:39

well, there is some truth in it actually.

you can be fairly sure that in a few years they wll die, and you wll inherit

so stupid , no
insensitive, maybe

WorraLiberty · 20/04/2012 12:39

Yes

It's not like you're going to sit around waiting for your parents to die

Silly woman

summerintherosegarden · 20/04/2012 12:40

Yes that is highly stupid and insensitive. Due to losing both my parents before the age of 25, I am somewhat "sorted" and have had several comments to that effect. Because I'd so much rather have a house than my DP alive. Obviously.

halcyondays · 20/04/2012 12:41

You can't be sure at all, they could end up having to sell their home to pay for care. And unless they are about 110, they may well live for years.

Yanbu, it is rather insensitive.

DeidreBarlow · 20/04/2012 12:42

yes its an odd thing to say to anyone

Olbasoil · 20/04/2012 12:42

Very and how does she know, for all she knows they could leave everything to the local cats home and good for them if that's their choice.
My evil sil said the only reason we looked after my mil was we could inherit all her money.

headfairy · 20/04/2012 12:42

Yanbu. I get similar comments, not because I'm an only but I do have very well of parents. Actually my parents are hell bent on spending their money now, and I'm all for that. I'd much rather have them around longer, loving and living life, than have their money and no parents. Very stupid silly insensitive thing to say.

Original poster
lollingmum · 20/04/2012 12:43

Thank you WorraLiberty and summerintherosegarden. That's exactly how I feel.
porcamiseria - how does she or even I know that they won't leave it to the Cats Home or straight to my DC?

OP posts:
diddl · 20/04/2012 12:43

Well I can see the thought that one child maybe gets more than when it´s divided.

But all the money might go on care fees so there might not be an inheritance.

Bit of a silly thing to say & she sounds insensitive/entitled/jealous-but you know her & the context it came up in.

In some ways I think you might be overthinking it if she´s a good friend tbh.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 20/04/2012 12:44

I think context is everything.

If she was talking about paying your bills next month then it was stupid & insensitive, if she was talking about your pension plan then not really stupid nor that insensitive really.

outyougo · 20/04/2012 12:44

both stupid and insensitive.

My dad was an only. He died in his 70s and was survived by both his parents, who left virtually nothing. They didn't have much anyway but had they been better off then their money would have largely been spent on care.

LondonKitty · 20/04/2012 12:53

YANBU. But it is a common enough thing for people to think/ say. My own mum said once something like "oh you'd all be so well off if we were both dead". I was really cross with her.

YusMilady · 20/04/2012 12:55

It's a difficult one. I have several friends who are have lived like workshy hippies their whole lives because they know that yes - they will inherit one day and don't need to worry like the rest of us. I have the moral high ground with my 60 hour weeks and my incipient ulcer but it can rankle sometimes. Of course, I wouldn't dream of saying anything - your friend was being a bit of a caaaah OP. But money worries do that to you.

MummytoKatie · 20/04/2012 13:29

It is definitely insensitive. It is also a bit daft. My gran died last year aged 96. My parents did inherit but they are well in their 60s so it's a good thing they didn't start waiting for the money when they were in the thirties as it would have been a long wait.

My other gran is 94 and still going strong. She is in a care home that costs a fortune so it is far more likely that my parents will have to pay for her than it is that they will inherit.

MarySA · 20/04/2012 13:33

It was an insensitive thoughtless thing to say. But people do get a bit jealous is probably too strong a word. But it happens. Nobody can predict the future in any case.

Chilenachica · 20/04/2012 13:40

How does your friend, or anyone else for that matter, know that your DPs won't leave all their money to Battersea dog's home, or similar. Whilst most parents do leave a stash to the children if possible, some decide to bugger off and travel the world, leaving their independant adult children to fend for themselves.

I think your DF is possibly just feeling a little hard done by, for whatever reason, and decided it's not fair.

knowitallstrikesagain · 20/04/2012 13:42

YANBU but she sounds like she is jealous. Is she struggling financially at the moment? That can make people frustrated and worried and losing sleep over finances is enough to make you say something stupid!

Most people are aware that any wealth will be hugely diminished by death as, unless someone lives a very healthy life until they suddenly drop dead, money is spent on care in old age. Also, I have known people to leave sums of money to siblings as well as to their children, so unless you have read a will, you have no way of knowing what is in it. Also, with people living much longer, many don't inherit until they are well into their 60s or older, when they have already paid their mortgage/raised their kids/struggled to work all the hours in the day.

If it was a throwaway comment from a good friend who may be having problems, I'd let it go.

OhdearNigel · 20/04/2012 13:43

I'ts a stupid thing to assume. I am an only child and potentially may inherit somewhere near 3/4s of a million off my parents. However a lot of water runs under the bridge between now and their deaths - and them dying in 30 years time doesn't help my financial situation now. Who knows what expenses they may incur when they are older ?

thebody · 20/04/2012 13:43

Ignore the silly cow, no certainty here at all as others have said care home fees can swallow up inheritance.

However I expect she didn't mean to hurt u if she's your friend.

ivykaty44 · 20/04/2012 13:44

stupid crass thing to say, apart form the fact a lot can happen between now and death and people can live to a ripe old age and need care and assistance that can use up plenty of money from a house sale and leave just enough money for a funeral.

YusMilady · 20/04/2012 13:46

Ah, but really wealthy people don't leave their money to Battersea. And they don't use care homes either. If you have an ancestral pile and enough money to pay for private nursing you can keep your capital untouched. I appreciate this may not be the OP's situation! (sorry OP)

ivykaty44 · 20/04/2012 13:46

I your friend mentions this ever again just let her know people don't died in chronological order so who knows what is round the corner

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 20/04/2012 13:48

My dad (66) informed me the other day (when he bought a new cover for his Kindle!) that he and my mum are SKI's (Spending Kid's Inheritance).

Tell your "mate" that your SKI's are doing their best to enjoy themselves in their twilight years and you hope they have a ball.

(a friend of mine is v well off due to a large inheritance, and neither me nor any of our group of friends would dream of saying anything like that, she and her husband miss their parents a lot)

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 20/04/2012 13:48

Oh YANBU!

OrmIrian · 20/04/2012 13:51

"You can't be sure at all, they could end up having to sell their home to pay for care. And unless they are about 110, they may well live for years."

Quite.

My parents' house is worth quite a bit and they have lots of lovely antiques and family silver. They are in their 80s and quite frail. The valuable bits are being sold off piecemeal to pay for day to day living and they are going to need care at some point and that costs a fortune. The chances of there being anything left by the time they both die are fairly remote.

Very unpleasant comment to make.

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