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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my ex is being completely unreasonable and unfair? Mumsnet jury needed please!

34 replies

mummytowillow · 19/04/2012 18:25

Here I go again, typing this in tears at just how badly my ex treats my daughter and I Sad

I know some of you will probably have heard this before from me, but ... he lives some distance away from us, so sees his DD (4) once a month. He is due to see her tomorrow and has just phoned and when she sked what time he would be here he said 'oh didn't Mummy get my text'. He reckons he text me two days ago and told me he couldn't come! I didn't get it because he didn't send it!

Anyway, bit of history here, he has for the last 17 months let us both down continually, I have text and written records of the times he hasn't turned up or let her down last minute.

He has paid me late for the last two months stating 'he hasn't got the money' he earns £45k a year! This month he has only paid me £200 and is due to pay the other £150 tomorrow over 11 days late (my bills are now late to) Angry

He has now said he is going to turn up next weekend (it is not an agreed weekend) and will wait until I let him see her. If I won't he will go to a solicitor, I told him to get a solicitor so we can finally get contact set in stone. His retort 'I don't need one as you have said you will never stop me from see X haven't you'!

I have done everything I possible can to ensure he sees his daughter, I've never ever put anything the way of contact and he knows this.

So what do I do, I'm at the end of my tether, his little girl adores him and to be fair when he is with her is a wonderful father! Hmm

I really don't know where to go from here, a solicitor told me no court in the land can make him see here (which I already know), but surely he can't just turn up and demand to see her on a non agreed weekend?

Advice of what to do next would be appreciated, and would you let him have her next weekend?

Thanks

OP posts:
EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 19/04/2012 18:29

I would be unavailable next weekend. He doesn't get to fuck his daughter about like this. If he wants to be a father, then he needs to get off his ass and act like one. Which means turning up when he says he's going to and not when he feels like it.

My sympathies though. It's shit. :(

Convict224 · 19/04/2012 18:31

I would let him see her because it's a good thing for her, but I don't know if it disrupts your day to day life. It seems that he has you between a rock and a hard place, but if possible could you focus on your little girl? You could perhaps imagine drizzling honey on his naked body whilst it was staked on the ground next to an ant's nest........that kind of works for me.

corlan · 19/04/2012 18:38

He is still controlling you even though you are not in a relationship with him. I would tell him straight that you have plans for next weekend and if he still turned up I would not open the door.

Have you been to the CSA about his non-payment of support for his child?

He really is having his cake and eating it at the moment! It's commendable that you've never stood in the way of contact but he is using this against you and treating you and your DD as doormats.

I'm sorry for you and your DD. It is so frustrating and painful when an XP acts like this - the only thing you can do is refuse to be treated with such contempt. Maybe next time he will text you when he wants to change plans!

Inertia · 19/04/2012 18:41

Can you be away visiting relatives next weekend? Or on a trip to the zoo or something?

It sounds as though, even if you did make plans to let him see her , he'd let you both down again.

He isn't a wonderful father when he repeatedly lets his child down.

Original poster
mummytowillow · 19/04/2012 22:53

Thanks for the replies, my Dad babysat for me tonight while I went to my Welsh class. I burst into tears when I got home and he thinks I should seek legal advice. So he has agreed to pay for me to see a Solicitor next week. (ex knows I'm skint so preys on this with solicitors etc, but my parents have the money to pay for good legal advice)

Corlan - Problem with the CSA is he gives me more than he should under the CSA guidelines, so I would lose out. So I'm reluctant to do it, however, my Dad said it would be better to be £100 a month worse off than let him mess me around like he is? He is controlling my life to, I can never make any arrangements for myself as he lets us down, so I hardly do anything or go out etc? Sad

Convict - Even nailing his balls to a bridge with rusty nails wouldn't make me feel better, but you did make me giggle Grin

Other problem is, I don't have any contact details for him apart from his mobile, he won't let me have his address as he has moved in with his girlfriend (OW)! So where do I send the solicitors letter to?

I've been told by a solicitor aquaintance I can refuse to let him see her next weekend, but I need to make it clear to him. Also, if he turns up and makes a scene I can call the Police (which as he is a copper himself) wouldn't go down very well?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 19/04/2012 22:57

if he adores her dad hen you should let him see her the following weekend. Would be silly to deliberately stop him.

Dee03 · 19/04/2012 23:04

I wouldnt let him see her next wkend tbh.

What is it with these men who demand and dictate!!!
Seek legal advice and go from there.
Good luck

TheDetective · 19/04/2012 23:05

Mummy I have just put his income in to a tax calculator, then the CSA calculator.

He should be paying you more, not less if he is paying you £350 p/m now! It worked out as £408p/m.

And no, I wouldn't let him dictate the contact in that way. Tell him if he has to cancel, then it must be via telephone conversation. And that any rearrangement is to suit you both, not just him.

What a tosser.

Happyasapiginshite · 19/04/2012 23:10

It sounds like you've been putting your daughter first in all this up until now and that's commendable. I think if I were you, I'd let him see dd next weekend but make it clear to him that this is it, the last time that you'll accommodate him in this way, and then seek that legal advice to try to get your contact visits down on paper and legal. You have my sympathies, it's shit when someone takes advantage of your niceness.

ToothbrushThief · 19/04/2012 23:14

I would go to the CSA and ask them to make the collection. They will suggest it's done straight to you but don't have that.

I would not let him dictate contact as he is now doing. I'd say it's inconvenient. If he wants to see his daughter he will make proper arrangement. To be a good mum you need to be happy and secure. His mind games will cause you distress and make you a very stressed mum

Insist on all contact arrangements via e-mail and don't respond to texts either. Then it's in black and white and can be saved.

He can't refuse you contact details....drop contact at the last minute....mess you around over money etc etc

Btw I agree CSA is possibly more than you are getting. Regardless.... removing his little mind game is worth it..

porcamiseria · 19/04/2012 23:15

hmm, tough one

I'd err to let him see her, but agree a time and then go out if he's late

its very hard, but advise to try and reduce anger, as it will harm you, not him

can you envisage a day when he is an annoying blip, rather than the all encompassing anger you have right now?

focus on you, your daughter and think how to get financially dependant, even a LT plan?

ToothbrushThief · 19/04/2012 23:16

He can't refuse you contact details....drop contact at the last minute....mess you around over money etc etc What I meant was he shouldn't, it's not right and you should not accept it

Bogeyface · 19/04/2012 23:25

As for contact details, if you can supply his car registration I am sure that it could be traced (legitimately, via court order if needs be) to get his contact details. also, do you know where he works? I have heard (but dont quote me) that papers can be served at work premises if needs be.

I could be wrong on both those points but they are worth asking your solicitor about.

treadwarily · 19/04/2012 23:31

YANBU he is being awful.

And he is not a wonderful dad in any way shape or form, he doesn't even pay the minimum towards her upkeep, and he lets her down about visits then plays mind games about it. Very toxic.

However he is her dad, and little girls get much of their self esteem from their dads so, despite my fury, I would try try try to accommodate the next visit.

Can you get any legal help re visitation?

Oh, isn't it hard, I do feel for you and the bazillions of other mums in your situation with the ongoing drama.

Aliitlemoretime · 19/04/2012 23:33

Why does he live so far away?

Mother2many · 19/04/2012 23:38

I would let him...I would also say, next time your going to cancel, make sure I know! Call.... PLUS, don't use DD to relay messages....

Yes, I would be livid... but you have to put the child first...

Once in a while, "ooopss" okay... but not a regular thing.

As for child support... never use that to prevent him from seeing her... My Xh didn't pay for 2 yrs....

gobbledegook1 · 19/04/2012 23:49

Ref not knowing his address doesn't matter as long as you know his full name (date of birth and rough area will also help). A solicitor can get someone to track him down.

NotGoingOut17 · 20/04/2012 00:21

This sounds like an awful situation OP, i feel for you. Obviously it is up to you but i would be tempted not to meet him next weekend - if you do, at what point does he understand that you 'mean business' as being available will just show him he can behave like this and yet there are no consequences - he gets his own way.

The sooner you show him this is unacceptable, the better. I understand your DD will miss her father next weekend but i would hope that the realisation you are serious will make him think about his actions and therefore will benefit your DD in the long term in that i would hope he would be more likely to keep to arrangements.

In regards to money, if you can afford it, or if you can afford to be slightly uncomfortable and the difference in payment is not to the point that you would be severely suffering then i agree that it is better to be worse off than let him continue to think he has control over the situation, and what is essentially yours and DD's lives. Personally, i think you need to call his bluff - dont do what he expects you to.

sunnydelight · 20/04/2012 04:07

As others have said he is controlling you through his daughter; he's probably enjoying that. You need to show him that he can't continue.

Not letting him see his DD any time he fancies it, especially when he cancels agreed visits, does not make you difficult about access. He is the one who is being unreasonable. Make it a formal agreement so he knows he can't keep messing you around.

sashh · 20/04/2012 05:00

Do you know where he works? You can send letters there - by recorded delivery, or by fax if you want other people to see what a shit he is.

Solicitors will employ balifs to serve papers / letters. I knew the address to send letters to but they were ignored so a baliff was sent round to deliver.

Let him go to a solicitor - he will be wasting his money as he will be saying he wants to mess you around and not keep to agreements. If you do get a solicitor's letter look out for the phrase "my client ..........." that means "This is a load of BS but the guy paying me wants me to put it in the letter so I have to".

I would arange things for the next few weekends he is not due to come, weekend at grandparents, sleepover with friends, riding, ballet, gymnastics, art lessons (OK expensive but maybe GP would pay for a couple of weeks make sure DC knows they are a one off)

I know it will break your heart to see DC waiting for her father on 'his' weekend, but that is not your fault, that is him hurting her in order to hurt you.

He wouldn't tell an employer "I'm busy today, I'll come in tomorrow", or not turn up to a friend's wedding or miss an important appointment would he?

IMHO his most important appointment in any month is with his DD, everything else should come secondary to that.

lovebunny · 20/04/2012 05:09

he will you over for the next fourteen to seventeen years if you don't get this sorted.
and he will make your daughter miserable, undermining her self confidence.
time to be hard.
get the solicitor. get your money sorted and paid straight into your account - you should not have to wonder if it will come or not. does he have an employer? if so, he won't like the idea of the csa or whoever going straight to them to have the money stopped out of his salary [sorry, this was all 25 years ago for me and i'm not up to date with the system].
get access sorted. what day or days. no others. if he misses, he loses his opportunity - no rescheduling. be clear, be firm.
do everything you can to bolster you daughter's self esteem. having a daddy who doesn't love you properly is terrible for a child.
even if you do all the above, you still won't make it perfect. but put yourself and your daughter first.
my daughter was four when her dad and i split up. she didn't start to heal until she ditched him, of her own accord, when she was 21. even then, for a few years, saturdays brought misery, as they were badly contaminated by him that just not seeing him wasn't enough to shake free of his influence.

don't be 'hopeful'. don't hope he'll come back, or that he'll treat you or your daughter properly. assume the worst, and make proper arrangements, then if he behaves well in future you can be pleasantly surprised.

lovebunny · 20/04/2012 05:10

ooh, did a rude word disappear? ooops! 'he will doodah you over'

PorridgeBrain · 20/04/2012 05:12

Agree you should let him see her this weekend if its possible but make sure you use the weekend as an opportunity to set ground rules - ie. cancelling should be a last resort ( its not fair on dd or you ), cancelling warrants a phone call not text, the other weekends are yours to make plans, you will not drop everything in future to accomodate his change of plans unless there is a reasonable amount of advance notice, there is a good reason for it and you are able to accomodate it. Also that he needs to sort CSA payments, you are reliant on the money so need it on time

CowboysGal · 20/04/2012 05:38

mummytowillow Your dad is a wise man. No amount of maintenance money is worth it if it comes with this kind of stress for you and your DD. I've been in your shoes, apart from the child support payments as my ex is worth nothing literally your DD will adjust to her Father being unreliable if he continues to behave this way but it will always be you picking up the pieces in the meantime and that is devastating.
It's good that you have the option to go through the legal system if you need to, although it didn't work in my case because as you rightly said they cannot force a man to see his child or make good on his promises. In my case it also aggravated a bullying idiot (I am not saying this will happen in your case at all, I don't know the man but I should've seen it coming in my situation) What did change everything for me and my DC was listening to some sound advice from my DM. She encouraged the following realisation in me:
You cannot control anything but yourself. So far you have allowed this man to behave like a tantrumming toddler.
So my advice as someone who turned it around for my DC and I;
Let him arrive on agreed weekends.
Let him see his DD when it has been arranged.
Let him make promise and console DD if they are broken.
However don't be home if he intends to call when it is not arranged or has not been agreed/isn't convenient.
Don't let DD know 'Daddy will be here on xday' because then if he doesn't show she isn't as upset and you didn't tell her a lie. He'll be a nice surprise everytime he shows up.
Be completely financially independent.
With or without a court order I am sure you'll find it a little easier to deal with if you are firm and consistent (and if you can manage it with grace to boot you'll feel better without getting into fights and it drives idiot exhusbands mad when you keep your cool,smile and be fair )
Sorry that was really long!

SparkleSoiree · 20/04/2012 05:51

I am all for dads seeing their children and DH has children with a former partner but the single most important aspect of making contact work is continuity and sticking to agreed plans. DH's EX is also entitled to a private life and needs to make her plans accordingly as well us ourselves so it wouldn't be in anyone's interests least of all the children to just pop in whenever DH felt like it to get his kids.

If your EX won't listen to your concerns or stick to an agreed schedule then you need to formalise it via a third party. He has no boundaries set and is playing up to that by taking advantage to suit his own schedule.

If it were me, I would STOP his visits and collection and go and see someone who can help you formalise contact with him. That way you can then make your plans with your DD and he knows when he is expected and if he misses a contact day he just can't pop up the next if he feels like it.

Don't be afraid of standing your ground. Be firm, consistent and confident in what you are saying. There is no need to be confrontational and indeed the calmer you are will only highlight any aggression on his part but he has to understand you are taking this action because of his beahaviour, not yours or your daughter.

Good luck.