to think my ex is being completely unreasonable and unfair? Mumsnet jury needed please!

[mummytowillow]

Here I go again, typing this in tears at just how badly my ex treats my daughter and I

I know some of you will probably have heard this before from me, but ... he lives some distance away from us, so sees his DD (4) once a month. He is due to see her tomorrow and has just phoned and when she sked what time he would be here he said 'oh didn't Mummy get my text'. He reckons he text me two days ago and told me he couldn't come! I didn't get it because he didn't send it!

Anyway, bit of history here, he has for the last 17 months let us both down continually, I have text and written records of the times he hasn't turned up or let her down last minute.

He has paid me late for the last two months stating 'he hasn't got the money' he earns £45k a year! This month he has only paid me £200 and is due to pay the other £150 tomorrow over 11 days late (my bills are now late to)

He has now said he is going to turn up next weekend (it is not an agreed weekend) and will wait until I let him see her. If I won't he will go to a solicitor, I told him to get a solicitor so we can finally get contact set in stone. His retort 'I don't need one as you have said you will never stop me from see X haven't you'!

I have done everything I possible can to ensure he sees his daughter, I've never ever put anything the way of contact and he knows this.

So what do I do, I'm at the end of my tether, his little girl adores him and to be fair when he is with her is a wonderful father!

I really don't know where to go from here, a solicitor told me no court in the land can make him see here (which I already know), but surely he can't just turn up and demand to see her on a non agreed weekend?

Advice of what to do next would be appreciated, and would you let him have her next weekend?

Thanks

Your ex is a knob. AND he is NOT a "wonderful father" - he is a Disney Dad.

A wonderful father would make the effort to turn up when he should and to ensure that his DD does not go without anything she needs - he doesn't do that.

A wonderful father would not let his DD down time and again and break her heart every time he failed to show up - he DOES do that (fucker that he is).

Go to the solicitor - get it set in stone - you are relying on his "good will" at the moment to pay you what you need and he is fucking you over as and when he feels like it. What happens when the OW falls pregnant? You can bet your ad hoc payments will all but disappear - so get it sorted now.

If he is registered to vote his name and address will be on the electoral roll. Does anyone know if this can be viewed by the public?

Great advice from CowboysGal (mum!)

I think the key bit about this is controlling what you can control and not suffering any consequences from things under his control.

All this 'it's good for DC to see their father' is very true however if a father chooses to use access as a weapon to mess you about with it does need nipping in the bud. The only way is to stop it working for him.

Say no. Be out etc. He will roar like an angry toddler at your attempt to gain some order ....but if he stops behaving like a toddler and starts behaving like a man it will work for both of you. He does need that message loud and clear

"However don't be home if he intends to call when it is not arranged or has not been agreed/isn't convenient."

though her ex may be demanding and ureasonable he has given her notice. For the sake of your daughter, who clearly wants to see him, wouldn't it be fairer on her to agree to the new arrangement if you don't have something else planned?

Get the money sorted through the CSA. It doesn't sound like he's paying enough anyway. That way he'll have to pay the money to the CSA by direct debit and will not be able to have control in that way.

Send him a list of dates when he can see your child. Tell him these dates are set in stone (barring some terrible tragedy that would prevent him sticking to them).

I've got an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in child contact matters etc. So ...

I've got 1/2 and hour, what questions do I need to ask?

I've decided I definately want contact formalised, I've tried everything with him, getting angry, playing to his softer side there clearly isn't one, crying, so I want action now!

I don't want a letter sent asking him to change etc, I want it to be to the point telling him what is going to happen?

Will I qualify for legal aid, I earn £10k gross a year, and I get £4,264 in tax/working credits etc? Do they take housing benefit and maintenance payments into account to?

Oh I forgot to say, he has another ex-wife with two kids, but he only pays for one, so based on his salary I would lose out if I went to CSA?

why didn't I run past him on our blind date

Ask your solicitor about a defined contact order.

Mummtowillow - you are relying on his "good" nature to pay you as it is. He is already fucking you around. Any more children come on the scene and you will lose out ANYWAY (probably) so frankly, get the CSA onto him to at least have a regular set amount coming in (assuming he abides by their ruling at all of course).

He doesn't have to stick to the amount the CSA sets for him - he can choose to pay more, less or nothing of course. It all depends on him personally - but at least the CSA will be a bit more of a formal arrangement and you should (supposedly) have some form of redress if he stops paying altogether.