to go out and let my dp put dd to sleep, knowing she'll scream the house down :(

[mammainlove]

DC2 is due in a month. DD1 is 22m.o. and so far I've put her to sleep every night, by cuddling her. We co sleep too. I'm starting to panic a bit as I really want DP to take some of the responsibility+put DD to sleep sometimes, but I think we might have left it too late..

So we tried the other night,DP did the bedtime routine, I popped up to say goodnight, and when she realised I wasn't going to stay+cuddle her to sleep,daddy was, she started crying. This got worse until she was crying so much, she was making choking sounds and struggling to breath, wrestling DP to the door. I had to come and take over..

I was starting to think I can do it, put 2 children to bed, but I think it's going to make life very difficult for all of us. It has been suggested I go out in plenty of time before DP puts her to bed, so she knows I'm not there. I'm so nervous about doing this! It kills me inside when she cries like that. I feel so cruel! I don't know if to try this, or just try and do it all myself when DC2 arrives..

Advice anyone, please? X

You didn't have to come and take over, you chose to. She wasn't going to choke, honest!

You have to try, for your dd's sake as much as yours!

You won't be as available for her all the time anymore when your new dc arrives, and the sooner she becomes a bit more independent the better.

And remember that by teaching her to be less dependent on you, you ARE being a good mother.

Good luck :)

who is going to look after DD when you have DC2.

I think the problem the other night was her knowing you were there and wondering why things were different. She had to put on a show for you because that's what chidren do! If you go out Daddy will find a way to get her to sleep, for sure. It will be OK!

I think going out with plenty of time until bedtime sounds a good idea. You can do it!

I think you should definitely go out and let daddy do it, my son (although he is much older) will never let dad do anything if I am there but if am not there he is fine with daddy

Let them do their thing and don't worry about it. You'll probably find that the fuss is all for your benefit anyway. You said yourself that when she realised you had gone for a cuddle but weren't staying she got upset. The best thing to do is tell her 'goodnight' with a kiss and just bugger off out before she realises you're off. Don't beat about the bush.
Kids are great at guilt tripping.

I agree, go out and let DH do it.
We wanted to stop the night bfing when dd was around 14 months. DH just cuddled her in our bed and banned me from taking over. It took 45 mins but she did go to sleep. The next night was easier and so on.

Yes, it might be better if you're out for a bit. Explain to her you have to do something (haircut, shops, meet friends, whatever) and that Daddy will take her to bed. I expect that if he's like my DH he'll feel more confident if he doesn't think you're looking over his shoulder. Plus he has to solve it then and can't just hand it over. As tough as it is, what you're doing is in her best interests, honestly. Be strong.

DD1 started going up to bed with DH when I was pregnant with DD2 and not only did they bond well, but I got a nice little breather.

It might be that someone else has to put her to bed while you're having your baby so this might help get her ready for that and for you to feel less stressed out while in labour and recovering.

Good luck x

My DD was very similar to your DD. She is now 2 1/2yo and mostly completely fine with DH putting her to bed. I had the same worries as you because up until a few months ago, I was the only person who had ever put her to bed, by laying with her until she fell asleep. I still haven't had a night away from her but feel pretty confident that I could now, as DH has also gone to her when she wakes up in the night and she has accepted this. It's hard to change the routine when you've had such an attached relationship, but is it possible!

What we found was that it is important to keep him putting her to bed as a regular thing, i.e. once or twice a week at least. This means that she now thinks it's normal and even looks forward to it sometimes. Also, each night before bed, after her books are read and the light turned out, whoever is putting her to sleep makes up a little short story that she loves listening to. She likes hearing DH's stories as much as mine and, because they're individual, I can't tell her one of DH's so she needs him to put her to bed in order to hear one. Just a little incentive!

DH did say to me in the beginning that it was much easier on him if it was well known that I was out of the house at bedtime because she then had no choice but to accept him laying with her (the theory that they'll accept their "next-best" person when given no choice, which she probably wouldn't have done if I was sitting in the living room downstairs!) However, after a couple of successful times, I just made sure I told her in advance that daddy was putting her to bed tonight as he had a cool story to tell her and mummy was going to do some reading (MNing!) and she seemed fine with that. Quite often she'll ask for me and there are sometimes a few tears but never for more than a couple of mins and this is in great contrast to the hyperventilation crying fits she used to have. DH just shushes her and hugs her and she usually calms down.

I used to worry about what would happen at bedtime if I had to go into hospital or something as she would only ever accept me in the night but now I know she'd be ok, so I think it's an important step to take. I think DH actually quite enjoys it too as it has strengthened their bond and made him feel involved whereas before he felt unable to help as she only ever wanted me. It's a gradual process and I definitely think her getting older has helped (she just wasn't ready to be reasoned with before), but it's made me feel a lot better that someone else can be there if I want to go out of an evening or just collapse with the paper after tea instead of having to do the whole bedroom routine! You'll need that time when the new baby comes along!

Having said all this, there are some nights, and tonight was one one them, where she's overtired and cranky and only mum will do. I find in this situation, unless I've actually got somewhere else I need to be, it's easier for me to do bedtime as she goes down much quicker and without the stress of a meltdown. You'll know with your own DD when it's ok and when it isn't and hopefully the former will start to be more and more the case. Good luck!

Go, and do something (watch a film, have lots of wine) so that you are not thinking about it at the time.

Babies/toddlers do not choke and suffocate from crying too much. It just sounds a bit like they might.

YANBU - the error was coming back in. I speak from the other side of this: DH is a SAHD and DS doesn't settle happily at bedtime for anyone else. Once a week, DH goes to a rehearsal and I do bedtime. DS wails for five minutes, realises he's not going to get daddy, and settles nicely for me. The worst we've ever had is ten minutes wailing. Make sure your DD sees/hears you go out - DS is much worse if I start the bedtime routine while DH is still in the house, but being quite a pragmatic infant if he knows DH has gone he's much easier to deal with.

Thank u! Lots of amazing advice, has given me tons of confidence. :) (thanks)

Can anyone advise if they think it's best DP puts DD to sleep consecutive nights to start off, or one night, followed by myself putting her to bed, them him do it again the night after etc. Does this make a difference?

OP may I ask why are you or DP cuddling her to sleep? She hasn't learned how to "self-soothe", so no wonder she freaks out. This is nothing to do with co-sleeping, by the way, which I feel is a very personal choice. However, she needs to be able to fall asleep independently. It's a life skill and an important one. It's not too late with DD. Please consider as I feel you're making things too hard for yourself.

Don't pop up to say goodnight to her, say goodnight to her downstairs before she goes up. Then it is her leaving you and you not leaving her.

Sounds like it wouldn't make a diff but this kind of stuff made a huge difference with my DD.

Good luck x

So sad, some of these answers. Go ahead and bloody flame me for saying so, I couldn't care less. This whole "rod for your own back" attitude and the actual belief (which beggars belief) that children of this age are manipulative and controlling is just very upsetting to me.

OP, please don't think your child "must" be independent for you to be a good mum. She's tiny and she will grow to be independent of you soon enough, believe me. You've been a wonderful mother to cuddle her to sleep, be there for her needs and bugger the "self-soothing". I don't bloody self-soothe, I love to cuddle up to my Dh when I go to sleep and if he's away I find it really tough to sleep. And I'm not 2.

I totally am with you on you needing to have your partner be able to get her to sleep with your new baby coming along, and probably it will require that you just go out and let them work out their own way. It is different for her so yes she will be upset, but, she's not manipulating you or trying to get her own way :( This is her world and she is confused over why it's changed.

You may have come across Dr Sears' thoughts on "in-arms" crying V a child being left to cry alone (CIO/CC). As your partner is taking your place and your daughter will be with him the whole time (the "in-arms" part) she will know that she is loved and she will get the comfort she needs while she works through what for her will be a dramatic and traumatic change. The change is necessary for you, and that's all fine. But the important thing is what you're doing - your partner is with her while she works through this change.

Your feelings of distress and worry show how attached and close you are to your daughter, and the close bond that you have continued to have because of your responsive parenting. Someone once said that to have a child was to forever have a piece of your heart walking outside your body. When you harden yourself to that piece of your heart, you lose a piece of yourself. You've not done this and it's a credit to you.

One suggestion may be to take a few days of cuddling her to sleep together and then move on to it just being your DP. But I'd definately go out when it's just down to your DP, even though you'll be worried.

It will all be fine. It will take a while but it will be fine. And much easier on you afterwards, especially when you're juggling a newborn soon enough.

Organic calm down. Nothing sad about these answers as I think most of us are trying in our own way to help OP.

You do things differently, fine. Sometimes a different perspective is very helpful. For me, I cuddled my DD to sleep (a very lengthy process) for months until a Russian friend, seeing this, took me by the hand and said "let her fall asleep on her own - come I'll show you". I've always been grateful for that.

@ choking noises - she was with her dad, she was crying nothing more, you didn't need to go and take over, this reinforces that you don't trust your dh to settle her. She wouldn't have come to any harm.

Thanks everyone, especially organiccarrotcake , I remember u offering some great advice in past posts, really resonates. I love the bit you wrote about a child being like a piece of your heart outside your body, so true. I love being soft and cuddling dd! Thanks again xx

My DD has always been very Mummy centred and used to push Daddy away at bedtime, which was sad for him. Whilst I still do the majority of the final settling, tucking in, etc (she is 5 now) - if I am out, Daddy gets to do it all - and instead of me, he gets all the cuddles and hugs which he really appreciates.

You haven't left it too late, and it will probably get easier with time for her Daddy to do this rather than harder.

Thx bowerbird, I appreciate your advice. I will get less cuddly,maybe,in time. But for now I love cuddling her too much and it works:)

Thanks valliumredhead, I know what ur saying, it just didn't feel right,at all and I don't regret going in. it was traumatic for her, and I'm going to try doing it a different way,as advised, I.e. going out.

If you go out, she's aware you're not there and there's nothing for her to have a scream about then. It's the best way I think. I've done the same with my youngest. I thought she would scream but DH told me she had been absolutely fine.

I agree that you being out of the house completely, is more likely for your DD to settle without you - if she can hear you in the house it is a perfectly normal thing for her to yell for you until you come.

And this won't last. She will soon be slamming her bedroom door and telling u she's fine and for gods sake stop fussing!!! Make most if it.

So should dp do this consecutive nights or one night then me do it next night, take it in turns etc??