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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with mum

53 replies

giokle · 17/04/2012 22:29

My Mum keeps nagging me to spend time with my brother. I don't dislike him but he is only 14 and to be honest I don't want to spend what little free time I have with him. However everytime I see her she keeps going on and in about it, saying things like she's never seen an older sibling show such little interest in a younger one and how he might as well be an only child and how he needs me to guide him. Although tonight it got worse with her saying that we'll only have each other when she's gone, she's only 49 FFS. AIBU to want to spend my time with who I want doing what I want without my mum trying to send me on a massive guilt trip.

OP posts:
ealir · 17/04/2012 22:37

YANBU trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing what she wants is definately not on and you should make it clear to her.

lucidlady · 17/04/2012 22:38

What's the age difference?

Minshu · 17/04/2012 22:42

YANBU - I'm assuming you're a grown up.

How old are you? What's your family situation? Do you know if your brother feels this way, too, or is your Mum projecting how she would have liked things to have been with a smaller age gap? (My brother and I, 14 months apart, fought like cat and dog).

My Mum did pass on at 50, so you can't take things for granted - sorry, that sounds horrible and a very unlikely scenario, but just trying to make the point.

Original poster
giokle · 17/04/2012 22:42

11 years, he's 14 and I'm 25

OP posts:
Original poster
giokle · 17/04/2012 22:44

I have a DP and a DS. My brother has asked me if I wanted to do things with him a few times but he's never seemed overly bothered when I've turned him down.

OP posts:
BonkeyMollocks · 17/04/2012 22:44

I'm in a similar situation. My brother is 10, I am 24.

He is bought up as a only child because I haven't lived at home since 17.

She guilt trips me every now and again.

BonkeyMollocks · 17/04/2012 22:45

Are you sure he isn't bothered?
If he is asking then its a sign he probably does want to see more of you. If you turn him down every time, it might hit a sore spot.

My brother does not want to spend time with me, I am the grumpy older sister Wink

squeakytoy · 17/04/2012 22:50

You are possibly being a bit unreasonable. My stepchildren are all in their late 20's and their mother had another child when my youngest stepdaughter was 11, but they are all quite close and the older ones look out for the youngest even though there is a large age difference.

As you get older, that age gap doesnt really make a lot of difference, but if you have no relationship, then you may end up regretting the times now that you have not made any effort.

Your brother will probably one day have kids, who will be cousins to your own children.

Surely it cant be that much of a bother to give a bit of time to your sibling.

cranberrycrumble · 17/04/2012 22:53

Yabu.

Maybe there are things about your mothers health that you dont know about. She is keen for her two children to have a bond, and a good relationship. He only has one sibling: You. You have a child and a husband, and a brother you dont want to see...... I know which one of you I would want to be.

LittleLucifer · 17/04/2012 22:56

He's asked you to do things a few times?! And you've turned him down? What's your problem with him? He's a kid. This makes you sound really mean.

paticker · 17/04/2012 22:58

Oh come on OP would it really hurt to spend a little bit of time with your brother from time to time. Although there is an age gap I'm sure you could both enjoy it if you were prepared to put the effort in. Your mum is right there are few more valuable relationship than those with your siblings.

Firawla · 17/04/2012 22:59

Is it that much to ask to spend some time with him now and again? im sure it does not have to be every single weekend. He asked a few times and you turned him down - thats quite mean, i think yabu

suburbophobe · 17/04/2012 23:01

Well, it's a big age gap and your mum is a bit controlling but maybe just wants to establish a relationship between you two as a basis for the future.

Like Minshu pointed out, you never know what's going to happen in life..

You could take him to the cinema on a Saturday afternoon once every few months, or lunch/tea if you're into it. If not, just ignore her gently.

rekite · 17/04/2012 23:03

YANBU if you live a busy life and get very little time for yourself then I think your mum is way out of line to ask you to give those up to entertain your brother. The attempt to emotionally blackmail is pretty outrageous in my opinion.

PooPooInMyToes · 17/04/2012 23:05

If he is actually asking you to spend time with him as you say and you've turned him down, then i think that is actually very, very mean of you!

What is so very important in your life that you can't spare a few hours every now and then?!

Poor boy. He must know you're not that bothered with him and put himself out there and asked anyway. You just said er no!

You sound selfish and self absorbed.

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 17/04/2012 23:07

Just promise her you will always look out for him.

Popoozle · 17/04/2012 23:09

Um, on one hand I do see your point.

On the other, I am a mum whose DSs are 14 & 10 years older than my DD. I would like to think that they will still show some interest in her once they leave home.

BonkeyMollocks · 17/04/2012 23:11

I think if he is showing that he wants to spend time with you then it is mean of you to turn him down everytime .

However, I am not close to my little brother but I will always be there for him when/if he needs me, and if he came to me and asked to spend some time together then I would always say yes.

I would not under my mums orders unless I thought it was what he wanted too!

hmc · 17/04/2012 23:12

I think parents generally want their children to have a good sibling relationship. Quite honestly it wouldn't kill you to go bowling / cinema with him once or twice a month. I was the younger sibling (sister 10 years older and brother 14 years) and they had both moved out by the time I was 10. Would have loved to have seen a bit more of them - quite frankly it was lonely at times

akaemmafrost · 17/04/2012 23:13

He's your brother. I think you sound quite mean actually.

morethanpotatoprints · 17/04/2012 23:14

I am this mother but to a lesser degree. DS1 20 still at home but really busy hardly see him. He is good and will spend time with dd 8. However, I did have to explain to him how important their relationship is and how he and/or she would regret it in years to come if they didn't spend time together. DD used to get upset but now is happy with the bit of time they have together as they make the most of it. Sometimes its a simple board game or a cinema visit or McDonalds if nothing better to do.

hmc · 17/04/2012 23:15

Also ime the younger sibling does tend to look up to older siblings where there is a big age gap. I thought my older siblings were amazingly impressive (am sure they were unaware of this) - your brother probably thinks you're great

sunnydelight · 17/04/2012 23:15

She's probably just trying to make sure that you do end up with a relationship, most of my friends with much younger siblings (i.e. they had left home by the time the younger ones were 12 or so) have a vague fondness for them but all say "I don't really know X because I never spent any time with them" which is a bit of a shame.

Of course you shouldn't have to give up all your free time, but it really wouldn't kill you to take him to the cinema occasionally, or bowling or lunch or something would it? 8yo DD ADORES her 18yo biggest brother and although he's not around much he will always at least spend a few minutes chatting with her, giving her a hug and will sometimes take her to see a film etc.

Thingiebob · 17/04/2012 23:17

I'm inclined to agree with the poster above. He is your baby brother and you are rejecting him. Your mother has a point, you should forge some kind of bond because when she has gone he will look to you for support.

hmc · 17/04/2012 23:18

What sunny says - I really don't 'know' my older brother at all. It can go 3 / 4 years between seeing him. No animosity there - just no time invested in the sibling relationship when it counted.