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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with mum

53 replies

giokle · 17/04/2012 22:29

My Mum keeps nagging me to spend time with my brother. I don't dislike him but he is only 14 and to be honest I don't want to spend what little free time I have with him. However everytime I see her she keeps going on and in about it, saying things like she's never seen an older sibling show such little interest in a younger one and how he might as well be an only child and how he needs me to guide him. Although tonight it got worse with her saying that we'll only have each other when she's gone, she's only 49 FFS. AIBU to want to spend my time with who I want doing what I want without my mum trying to send me on a massive guilt trip.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 17/04/2012 23:22

There's 7 years between myself and my sister. I was uninterested in her until she went to university and became a proper, fun grown-up. We are great friends now and we regularly seek out ways to spend time with each other (distance permitting).

okiol · 17/04/2012 23:24

Why does spending time with your brother have to eat into your "free" time, why can't you do things together that you enjoy and so you have a good time. The constant rejection of him by you will hurt him. However if you really don't want to then your mum should respect that as it is your life at the end of the day and you should lead it how you wish.

PooPooInMyToes · 17/04/2012 23:25

You don't have to spend time with him because your mum tells you to . . . you could just do it because that's what nice people do and he's asked you.

maggio · 17/04/2012 23:26

You don't want to and your mum knows you don't want to but persists in nibbling away at you anyway. Just be forceful with her and tell her to cut it out, people only treat you badly if you allow them to. If you took action when she tries all that nonsense then she would soon stop

cory · 17/04/2012 23:26

Hate to say it but not wanting to spend time with someone because "he is a kid" makes you sound really immature: when I read that bit I thought you were 16 or something, certainly not 25.

Noqontrol · 17/04/2012 23:32

I think you sound quite mean. Family is important. Why shouldn't you spend time with your brother? You sound a bit childish tbh. Sorry.

alarkaspree · 17/04/2012 23:37

I think your mum has a point, and you should make more of an effort. Maybe a 14 year old boy isn't your ideal companion at the moment but it's an investment in your future relationship. And also it's worth considering the relationship between your brother and your ds. My dh has younger brothers and sisters and they are fantastic uncles and aunts!

tefek · 17/04/2012 23:46

I think you should make more of an effort but if you don't then your mum shouldn't try and force you to.

biklo · 17/04/2012 23:55

"My brother has asked me if I wanted to do things with him a few times but he's never seemed overly bothered when I've turned him down"

Do you not value family at all OP, why are you opposed to spending some time with your little brother, you might even enjoy it. If you don't then you run risk of him turning you down in the future if you need him and you will be bothered then but it will be too late as you never put the effort in to build a relationship.

maggio · 17/04/2012 23:58

What sensationalist drivel biklo

Hebiegebies · 18/04/2012 00:03

I'm with bilko, it's not sensationalist, but honest, hard hitting truth

wertio · 18/04/2012 00:10

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YANBU. Your brother is not your responsibility and if spending time with a 14yo at the cinema or whatever then that is up to you and your mother shouldn't try and pressurise you into doing it. The "I'll be dead" line is quite a deranged thing to say be honest.

Noqontrol · 18/04/2012 00:12

I don't think it's sensationalist drivel. My mum worked hard at getting my brother and I to be friends (7 yrs between us). We have nothing in common, we are both agreed on that, but we are also really glad that we have each other for support. It's a life long friendship made stronger by being siblings.

IloveJudgeJudy · 18/04/2012 00:25

But, Wertio, it's not just the mother asking the OP to spend time with the bro. It's the bro himself asking OP out or to do stuff with him. I think if a 14 yo asks that, then he must really want to do something.

Perhaps you could just go to a museum, or out to McD's with him and your DC, OP?

IloveJudgeJudy · 18/04/2012 00:26

Also, you might be surprised at how well your DB and your DS get on, if your DS is any older than a baby. My DB has a DS who is about 12 years younger than my DS and they both really love each other, especially as my DN is an only DC. I think the whole relationship is a good thing.

wertio · 18/04/2012 00:34

IloveJudgeJudy- I don't disagree but if the OP doesn't want to then her mother should not try and force her into it. In her position I would but that is by the by as it is up to the OP and she doesn't want to.

Great nickname by the way

LondonKitty · 18/04/2012 00:45

I'm on the mum's side.

Regardless of age difference, I would work very hard at developing a relationship between my children. I would want them to always have each other, no matter what happened to me or when.

But I expect there's a lot more going on here than your whingy OP overtly states.

Breezy1985 · 18/04/2012 01:17

I'm 26 and while i have 2 sisters who are close in age, I also have 2 sisters that are 4 & 5 and a brother of 8. I love spending time with them, and would do anything for them aswell as my older sisters, I have 2 children of my own who are 6 & 7.

My mum is 47 and 2 years ago she was diagnosed with cancer, thankfully she beat it but i was there everyday for my sister while my mum was ill, and i still am now, my 2 love playing with her and having her for sleepovers and they go to the same school too. I will always be there for her and if she ever asks me to do anything for or with her then i will try my best to do it. My other little sister and brother live miles away and I only see them for a day every school holidays, I wish I was closer to them, but again I would do anything for them and I hope they grow up knowing that and I hope my parents know that too.

mynewpassion · 18/04/2012 04:37

Your mom is pointedly asking you to spend time with your little brother because you have continuously refused every time he asked. She would not need to prompt you if you weren't being so selfish.

Taking your brother to the movies, bowling, or grabbing a quick burger once every 2-3 months should not be a hardship.

PooPooInMyToes · 18/04/2012 07:55

I remember being that age. I was painfully shy, was being bullied, was surrounded by people doing drink and drugs, vandalism etc

I was also getting male attention that i didn't really understand but jumped on due to low self esteem. Lost my vaginity very young, didn't use contraception because of my naivety and stupidity. Was in all sorts of risky situations.

I wonder how much difference it would have made to have an older sibling, or anyone really, to talk to about things.

I wonder what's going on with your brother.

Its a notoriously difficult stage and a shame that you don't want to be there for him.

gettingalifenow · 18/04/2012 08:00

He's your brother, whether he's 40 or 14 - you should spend time with him. Families come in all sorts of age ranges.

Do you limit your entire social contact to people who are 25? No, of course not.

Strange attitude.

CMOTDibbler · 18/04/2012 08:10

yanbu - but maybe you could invite your brother round and get him involved with your children and spend some time together that way.

peugotgringo · 18/04/2012 08:16

Do you have family meals? presumably so if you have a DP and a DC

Why don't you invite your brother one evening for tea, something easy/fun like lasagne chicken fajita's that isn't to formal that you can all enjoy together.

Get to know your brother that way, or get your mum to invite all of you for tea.

You might then find once you've spoken to him you actually have something in common with him and you can take it from there?

What are your hobbies? Can he not join in?

PooPooInMyToes · 18/04/2012 08:20

I didn't realise you had a family. I thought were were too busy for him because you were hanging out in cool places and bars with cool people and your little brother would cramp your style.

But you have a family anyway! Like peugot said why not invite him for tea? That's hardly difficult is it!

bringbacksideburns · 18/04/2012 08:33

You are not being asked to spend every waking day with him! YABU.

Why can't you make a bit of effort if he has - is he so awful?

I was wrapped up in my own life too at your age, my brother was 8 years younger. I did not realise at the time that he was having a horrible time at school and at home because he kept it all to himself. It didn't surface until later and then i wished i'd just invited him round more, maybe seen the odd film with him, and just shown more of an interest in his life. Luckily now i have a great relationship.

I know you might think you can't find the time but maybe once a month? For it to be mentioned to you it must be bad.
You won't regret it - Hell, you might even enjoy it!!

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