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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at my mother....again

32 replies

luckysocks · 17/04/2012 20:45

This is my first post in here so little bit scared... I lurk quite a lot! I need some honest perspective, though.

To give a little background:
a) I am 35 weeks pregnant with a 2.9 yr old DS and have just recently graduated into the really-fucking-grumpy/uncomfortable/impractical stage of pregnancy.
b) My relationship with my mother is not an easy one. She invites herself over regularly for longer than comfortable stays and I'm constantly trying to keep her at an acceptable distance, which means that I generally let some of the minor annoying stuff slide. She never helps out in any way (although is under the impression that she is utterly invaluable) and generally creates a whole lot more work for us.

She is coming over in a month or so, at which point I will be around 37/38 weeks pregnant. She now has an appointment that she needs to attend and is assuming/hoping that I will drive her there. It's an hour drive each way and will mean hanging around with DS during her appointment and sorting out lunch while there.

I am seriously annoyed that she would even ask me, she's had children, she knows how uncomfortable the last few weeks are. It's already very uncomfortable to drive and I'm nervous about being that distance from DH (it's further from his workplace) and my hospital (again, further) if anything were to happen (DS's birth was initially very quick). And I'm upset that as usual, even at that stage in pregnancy, yet again it's all about her.

So tell me. Should I stop obsessing and just drive her there? Or is she being selfish to ask?

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/04/2012 20:48

I don't think she's being selfish to ask, although it sounds like she displays other selfish behaviour, but you don't feel comfortable taking her so you shouldn't. You need to be putting yourself first just now.

Gigondas · 17/04/2012 20:48

Yanbu- she is being selfish and unreasonable to ask. Say no or if it's easier get dh to do it (i know you should be assertive yourself but now is not the time to worry about that).

And all your reasons not to go are entirely sensible.

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2012 20:49

Don't go.
Warn her that as there is a chance that No.2 could be on the way/have arrived by that time she'd best make alternative arrangements as you'd hate to let her down at the last minute.

wizzler · 17/04/2012 20:49

YANBU.... the last thing you need is to be stressing in the final weeks of your pregnancy. Also, I found driving very tiring and uncomfortable in the latter stages.
Why don't you tell her that you think it may prove too much for you, and rather than let her down at the last moment, you are going to say "no" now so that she has chance to find an alternative.

bigjoeent · 17/04/2012 20:50

Don't drive her, its up to her to get herself there. This is one of THE times in your life when you just think about you. Make up a hospital appointment if need be but don't go. YANBU definitely

Bambino81 · 17/04/2012 20:50

If you're really anxious about it then just tell her no and give her a taxi number

Puffykins · 17/04/2012 20:51

My mother is like this. You're not being unreasonable to be annoyed, but, honestly, she's unlikely to change any time soon. At least, mine isn't.

ChasedByBees · 17/04/2012 20:52

I think she's being very thoughtless by asking, but it's easy to solve. Just say no chance - I'll be full term in my pregnancy and want to stay local in case anything starts. This is one of the points in life where you can be very blunt.

You do realise that by having her visit around then she could inadvertently become a birth partner?

Sittinginthesun · 17/04/2012 20:55

I agree, this is a good time to practise being blunt.

I was very blunt with my MIL at a similar time in my second pregnancy. It worked!

Eglu · 17/04/2012 20:55

YANBU. No way would any thinking person think it is okay to ask somebody that.

Original poster

luckysocks · 17/04/2012 20:57

Thank you! I'm glad it's not just me - I can't always tell when my hormones get to this point.

ChasedByBees yep, I didn't mention that in my OP which is funny because that's another massive reason why I don't want to do it - I'll end up stuck at some strange hospital (consultant-led care this time so specific additions to my notes at the hospital I'm supposed to give birth in) with my mother barging her way in as birth partner . In fact, that thought could be enough to give me the momentum to say sod off and get a hire car.

OP posts:

diddl · 17/04/2012 21:12

I´m confused tbh.

How far apart do you live & why doesn´t she visit after her appointment?

Original poster

luckysocks · 17/04/2012 21:14

They live abroad. The appt is in the town they used to live in while she is over visiting.

OP posts:

diddl · 17/04/2012 21:23

OK-I get that.

Well I would look at backup transport & tell her not to rely on you tbh.

An hr is a long drive when very pregnant & with a toddler.

In fact it´s not a drive I´d be keen to do at all for an appointment for someone tbh.

Does she have to go there-could it not be any closer so easier for you to take her or her to get herself to?

Original poster

luckysocks · 17/04/2012 21:42

Hmm I've drafted an email in reply to hers which I'll check tomorrow. I've also suggested that I could try to arrange an appt for her locally, although I don't think she'll go for it. But at least it looks more helpful than 'sod off and get a hire car' and it's nice to be nice, right :)

OP posts:

Inertia · 17/04/2012 21:50

Heck , YANBU!

And let her sort out her own appointments! Does she think you're the concierge?

I would tell her that, due to the consultant-led care you are under, you have been advised to stay within 30 minutes of the hospital. ( No need to tell her it's the advice of mumsnet).

ifeelloved · 17/04/2012 21:50

Why don't you try talking to her? Things can be taken the wrong way over email so call her

ifeelloved · 17/04/2012 21:50

Btw, yanbu!

PatsyPlusOne · 17/04/2012 21:54

I didn't want to drive at that stage of my pregnancy either, so YANBU

Original poster

luckysocks · 17/04/2012 21:56

Oh Inertia that's a good idea. Love it.

ifeelloved It's easier to reply to her email because she 'worries' when she doesn't get a reply and phone calls are necessarily rationed because they never last for less than an hour (at least 30 minutes of that can be saying bye then.. yes... good... bye then, ad infinitum).

MW appt tomorrow so good timing for the issuing of professional advice....

OP posts:

Babylon1 · 17/04/2012 21:58

YANBU at all. There are lots of other options she could look including hire car or public transport, but she really mustn't be relying on you at that stage of your pregnancy.

plutocrap · 17/04/2012 22:12

I used never to consider minicabs, thinking they would be as expensive as taxis, but was pleasantly surprised when I first booked a minicab, so it 's not a bill you need to feel ashamed of sticking to her. (If it's too much, I'm sure she has enough friends left in the town, to stay overnight with?)

My labour with DC2 was 1h35m from start to finish; I didn't even get downstairs, let alone to a hospital. mind you, it kicked off when I was comfortably asleep in bed, not miles away in a waiting room chasing a toddler and pissed off as hell. But why spoil the scare story?

Tell her it's too late for you to go galumphing about. She can stay and can make herself useful bsbysitting if you do go into labour but you're "not up yo driving anf waiting around". That exact phrase.

(also: poor toddler! It's not exactly quality time with Mummy before the baby is born., is it?!)

thatisall · 17/04/2012 22:19

YANBU

Is it an old wives tale that second babies come earlier, third ones even earlier than that? You don't really want to risk being so far from your birth plan venue etc etc

You might be too big to drive at that point, you don't know until the time comes.

I'd go with a 'lets make other arrangements incase I really can't fucking be arsed driving for two hours am otherwise engaged giving birth etc' line

Noqontrol · 17/04/2012 22:25

I wouldn't drive that far if I were you, you're too far into your pregnancy. My friend was 37 weeks pg and was making plans to come and visit me (an hour away). I tried to talk her out of it but she wasn't having any of it. Anyway she went into labour before she got in the car. Thank god she wasn't in the car on the motorway. No, your mum needs to make other arrangements, long distance like that at 37 weeks is really not safe IMO.

skybluepearl · 17/04/2012 22:39

yep say how uncomfortable you are already and that you wont be able to drive her as you will be full term and ready to pop.

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