Do your friends invite you to dinner? or lunch?

[Moknicker]

This has been bothering me for a while - we entertain quite a bit - mostly have people over for sunday lunch. We always make an effort when people come over - usually three courses, good wine, aperitifs etc and we always have a nice time.(according to us)

But... a lot of the time, we don't get invited back. Im not the worlds greatest cook so it cant be that they feel they cant match my cooking. Im trying to rationalise it but am beginning to feel very paranoid.

AIBu to wonder if my friends trying to tell me something! and if so what on earth am I doing wrong?

Moknicker - I don't keep a tally. Perhaps if you downscaled your entertaining, you wouldn't feel so uneven. My meals are more likely to be a big lasagne, a huge salad, huge chunks of homemade bread and some cheap plonk. Or a big pot of homemade pea soup or roasted chopped root veg couscous and Pinot Grigio.

I only invite people whose company I enjoy. Really they are entertaining me.

Do you hold your knife correctly?
Do either of you masticate loudly?

Do you do table magic between courses?

Alargeglass - i think youve hit the nail on the head. .

Tell me about any hideous hosts you have had and why you avoid them.

On a more serious note, ive done a fair bit of soul searching and im sure I and DH have our fair share of irritating idiosyncracies. But Im assuming that if it was that bad, people would not want to come over either and we always get positive responses to our invites.

Littlefrieda - well i do have a card trick....

Blimey!!
Hideous hosts..... Do you take their decent wine and serve them your cheap stuff!! What do you cook??

I've noticed this too - I love to entertain and don't find it to be a hassle esp as I have space, a dishwasher and years of experience but I've increasingly noticed that some people NEVER reciprocate.

I have a regular group of about 5 couples who often come for dinner. 3 couples invite back and are 'good guests'. 2 couples however have never reciprocated either to the group or to me individually despite the fact that they have been coming to my home regularly for about 3 years. One of the non entertaining couples have vaguely muttered about having space issues and contribute whole heartedly especially wrt the clearing up. They also offer to bring desert or cheese.

The other 'unsociable' couple rarely even bring a bottle of wine when they do come. They are however so entrenched in the 'group' that I can't seem to stop inviting them. It has started to annoy me now as hosting 12 people for dinner on a regular basis is both expensive and time consuming and it is getting to the point that I might actually ask them to buy a bloody frozen dessert the next time (surely even that can't be too much hassle.... they both have good jobs so unless they have a huge gambling / debt problem that is well concealed I don't think the non participation is financial).

On the other hand I also have friends with small children who find it much easier to entertain at home and just don't want to come to my house. I always offer to take a course and proffer lots of nice wine, flowers and load the dishwasher at the end. I've also modified entertaining for these families afternoon tea with sticky cakes and strategically purchased / borrowed toys seems to go down well although my friends 5 year old is always disappointed at my paltry toy selection.

I really do understand what you mean, you sound like great hosts and i bet your friends do really appreciate your hospitality. I am a really sociable person but I am absolutely rubbish at doing dinners and things. I worry about all kinds of stupid things like my house looking too untidy, my dog annoying people, my cooking being rubbish etc etc! I know you are right and we do sometimes have people over but I always feel like i am going to be crap at it and that they will have a horrible time!

not bringing a bottle of wine and or flowers or offering to bring a dessert or whatever is really rude.

Yes lurker - that is really rude. How annoying that you have to keep including them.

A large glass - we serve v. decent wine (DH is a wine buff) and probably get give decent wine as well (as everyone knows DH is a wine buff).

Our menu tends to be
Snacks - nuts, olives ,aperitifs
Starter: Tomato tartlets
Main : roast chicken and veggies and garlic brd
Pudding: Plum crumble
All accompanied by lots of wine.

I'm afraid the words 'wine buff' would strike a note of foreboding to my heart.

OP, do your friends initiate other kinds of socialising? If so, then I'd probably agree they're just not into cooking/having people over. I have friends who I only really meet up with out (at dinner, lunch, films, galleries etc) and others who I have over for dinner or just to watch telly and eat junk food, and who invite me to theirs similarly.

That would be too formal for me and my family of heathens

I would feel quite pressured that the dd's would have to be well behaved and sat at the table for quite a long period of time. They would do, but it could get quite violent fraught at times.

I also find dinner parties boring I will ask people round for a bbq or buffet type snacks and lots of booze. We don't have room to entertain more than 4 at a table but can have a house full if it is less formal. I usually have everyone over during xmas and for a summer bbq.

For those if us with kids, we also take it in turns during school hols, so will have those friends over once or twice a year as well for cakes/biscuits. As well as people just popping in and out of course.

We never invite people over for dinner as we are very short on space, ie, we do not own a dining table! I hate it when people visit and we have to provide food. It's embarrassing with everyone holding plates on their knees. Plus we really can't afford to spend a lot of our grocery budget feeding others. If I had a big house and lots of money I would make more of an effort though.

I don't entertain families very often to be honest. I'm not particularly fond of my DC's friend's parents. And DC are not particularly friendly with the children of my friends.

DC have their friends over often.

DH and I entertain our own friends. Rarely lunch though. I'm not keen on eating a drinking lots in the day. I'd rather put on a supper. And yes they usually invite back, though some are busier than others.

hmmmm. I hate entertaining, really hate it. that said, also have friends that hate driving, and love entertaining . so we tend to do the 2 hours driving, and friends entertain us

that said, downplay the food /£ spend
and if people dont bring something (I always do flowers and wine) they are RUDE

but dont be offended if their dont reciprocate

my house is tiny, and I dont have enough space and it is not something I enjoy

We never used to have people over because we couldn't afford it. Maybe thats the reason the op doesn't get return invitations

Some people just don't do entertaining very well. That doesn't make them any less of a friend. If you're feeling put upon, how about a restaurant outing or an invitation to try out a new takeaway (that way you share the bill).

I have the same problem though in return we generally end up with enough alcohol to keep us going for a few months.

DH tells me they're all intimidated with my cooking! I keep doing it because i love cooking and find it more relaxing that going out.

Just wanted to add that when my sister invited us for Christmas Day, it was the first time she'd cooked a proper meal for DH & me (other than kids party food) and we've been together for nearly 25 years!!!

Personally I find inviting people over for dinner etc very formal even if it is just simple food. Reminds me too much of my parents and their friends. I am 33 now but clearly I don't want to grow up! But we do entertain quite a bit (lots of summer parties/BBQs, NYE etc) but I love doing it. and we have a lot more space in our house and garden than most of our friends so. I also prefer that sort of thing as everyone brings some food and drink and it doesn't cost us much money and noone feels bad for imposing on us.