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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your friends invite you to dinner? or lunch?

71 replies

Moknicker · 17/04/2012 20:31

This has been bothering me for a while - we entertain quite a bit - mostly have people over for sunday lunch. We always make an effort when people come over - usually three courses, good wine, aperitifs etc and we always have a nice time.(according to us)

But... a lot of the time, we don't get invited back. Im not the worlds greatest cook so it cant be that they feel they cant match my cooking. Im trying to rationalise it but am beginning to feel very paranoid.

AIBu to wonder if my friends trying to tell me something! and if so what on earth am I doing wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Moknicker · 17/04/2012 20:57

Nini - thats interesting. Our friends also always bring a bottle of wine and/or flowers and sometime pudding so no - they are certainly not freeloaders.

Am I overegging it by expecting a reciprocal invite as well?

OP posts:
vigglewiggle · 17/04/2012 20:59

I have a friend who doesn't invite us to her house, but she doesn't have kids to look after, so it's easier for me if she comes to us. She does other lovely things like bringing home-made cakes and food over - she pitched up regularly with meals when my DD's were small and she washes up too, so she's always welcome Wink.

My other friends are in similar circumstances to us and it seems to get shared out fairly equally. I must say though that we tend to do fairly informal stuff like spaghetti bolognaise, Thai curry etc rather than a posh 3 course thing. They might be intimidated by this, but I still think they shouldn't keep coming and eating your food if they don't want to do something reciprocal.

NiniLegsInTheAir · 17/04/2012 21:01

Moknicker You could be, without knowing your friends' personal situations it's hard to say. :) By the sounds of it they're not freeloaders.

As others say you could go out to a pub/restaurant more often, or maybe host parties where you ask people to bring food along? :)

NowWeKnow · 17/04/2012 21:02

No but I think possibly you are upping the ante to an unsustainable level for others in the group.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 17/04/2012 21:03

Some people aren't entertainers - that's how it is. We never have people over "for dinner" because I am not confident in my cooking. We may have a takeaway at each other's houses or go out for a meal. And if, as one poster says "it costs a fortune to entertain" maybe they don't have the money?

googietheegg · 17/04/2012 21:03

Is your place hard to get to? Do you 'let' people leave or keep expecting them to stay longer? Do you just talk and talk? Do you go on about the food/wine rather than just enjoy it?

These are the reasons we've gone off dinner with certain friends...Blush

Original poster
Moknicker · 17/04/2012 21:03
Smile
OP posts:
Original poster
Moknicker · 17/04/2012 21:04

Hooray - just discovered how to post a smiley.
Maybe this is why i dont get any invites - they probably think Im too thick to notice! Grin

OP posts:
noinspiration · 17/04/2012 21:06

I'm not a foodie so try my hardest to keep out of the dinner party circuit. I am probably guilty of not matching the invites I receive, and most of my close friends have worked out I'd rather do something else. Do your friends host other people? If not, you have your answer.

Next time do something low key like a byo BBQ, or a pot luck, and you might get more invites back.

MadameChinLegs · 17/04/2012 21:06

I dont invite people 'for dinner' as I dont have a dining table (or space for one), and it feels wrong to ask guests to eat three courses form their laps.

I do however have pretty much open house saturday night take away policy (we all take turns buying) while we watch Xfactor/BGT or Voice, and I do like to throw the odd bbq or 'snacky bits' type of thing (as we did for the Grand National).

A few friends of ours have us over for dinner, however as I know I cant reciprocate I always take enough dessert for three weeks and plenty of booze and Articulate (cannot beat that game!).

I'd hope I wouldn't be taken off someones dinner invite list as I am able to accomodate in other ways. I feel its a bit petty, if im honest (unless they all have dinners at each others houses without you regularly in which case confront them or de-friend them).

PoppyWearer · 17/04/2012 21:08

We used to entertain a lot before we had DCs. Now we only ever have the time/energy to entertain family at home (DH works stupidly long hours, we have small DCs), apart from a few select invitations to friends who we "owe". I think all of our debts our currently paid.

Instead we tend to have big parties for the DCs' birthdays and other occasions, away from our house. Not as intimate, but you get to see lots of people in one go and aren't left with the hassle of cleaning up at home. This is expensive, so we don't do it very often, but when we do, we include as many people as possible and go all out.

juneau · 17/04/2012 21:10

Some people like to entertain at home - I have a good friend who's always having people over for Sunday lunch - personally I hate it. I don't mind cooking, but it's not something I really do for pleasure and the thought of having people over and having to cook a big meal while the kids run amok and I'm trying to be a gracious hostess and serve up a roast? Ugh. No thanks! Far too much pressure on a weekend, which is supposed to be for relaxing.

Having said that, if we're invited to someone's house we reciprocate with a meal at a restaurant. To not do that would be bad manners IMO.

PoppyWearer · 17/04/2012 21:10

Also, one of our friends has people over regularly on a Friday night, a big group of random friends. But it's very casual, her house is as we find it (a bit of a mess), and much of the food comes out of packets. She probably has the correct approach, but DH and I just couldn't do that. DH is an excellent cook and would want to be able to present lovingly-cooked food. And I would want to present a lovely home to our guests. So we don't entertain that often.

cherrypieplum · 17/04/2012 21:10

I have a friend who, (while she does invite people over for lots of events) she firmly believes that just because she has been invited over for a meal it doesn't mean she should invite them in return.

It could be that it's just soemthing they've overlooked. I was mortified to realise my one friend hadn't been over since Christmas when she pointed out I'd changed my lving furniture round!

scarletforya · 17/04/2012 21:13

I've never had anyone over for dinner ever, not even family and I'm 42. I can't cook to the standard people would expect, I can boil potatoes and heat things in the oven but I have never made a recipe or anything from scratch.

Now everyone is so far ahead of me cooking-wise I can't see the point in inviting anyone here. I wouldn't know what to make. It'd be embarassing.

If I have to go to other peoples houses I make sure to bring flowers/presents/drink and help in the kitchen a lot.

WellBlowMe · 17/04/2012 21:16

I have the opposite problem!
I love having people round here. I don't have kids and take pride instead in having a lovely house and time to prepare and cook nice food. But in the last 5 years all my friends have had babies, and where we used to take turns going to each others for meals, now it ALWAYS has to be at one of the houses where kiddies are.
I totally understand why - but feel totally redundant from the one thing I can actually do. I usually bring stuff with me to friends' houses (starters/puddings) but really miss hosting nice full dinners.
It makes me sad.
I would invite you back, OP. And you could bring your children too.

smearedinfood · 17/04/2012 21:17

You don't have Dave Lamb off Come Dine with at the table do you?Grin

Original poster
Moknicker · 17/04/2012 21:18

Wellblowme - thank you for being so lovely. That has cheered me upGrin

OP posts:
LittleFrieda · 17/04/2012 21:18

Perhaps they can't afford to be generous at the moment.

LittleFrieda · 17/04/2012 21:21

We often have people to dinner or lunch and often go to other people's houses for dinner or lunch. Some friends don't reciprocate often but it's not because they don't like us, it's because they don't like cooking and tidying- up. They are generous and giving with their time and energy.

Original poster
Moknicker · 17/04/2012 21:23

Littlefrieda do you not keep tally in that case and am I being petty doing so Confused

OP posts:
vigglewiggle · 17/04/2012 21:24

I get the - can't fit people in, can't afford it thing. But to use the excuse that you don't like cooking and tidying up is a bit lame IMO.

WellBlowMe · 17/04/2012 21:27

Haha you're welcome OP.
Wanna come for dinner? ;-)
Seriously - enjoy hosting if you have guests that will come. There's nothing better than a lovely night at your own house enjoying your guests taking pleasure in your food and your company. Don't worry about not being invited back - you wouldn't have half as much fun at their's.

LittleFrieda · 17/04/2012 21:36

Moknicker - I don't keep a tally. Grin Perhaps if you downscaled your entertaining, you wouldn't feel so uneven. My meals are more likely to be a big lasagne, a huge salad, huge chunks of homemade bread and some cheap plonk. Or a big pot of homemade pea soup or roasted chopped root veg couscous and Pinot Grigio.

I only invite people whose company I enjoy. Really they are entertaining me.

LittleFrieda · 17/04/2012 21:37

Moknicker - I don't keep a tally. Grin Perhaps if you downscaled your entertaining, you wouldn't feel so uneven. My meals are more likely to be a big lasagne, a huge salad, huge chunks of homemade bread and some cheap plonk. Or a big pot of homemade pea soup or roasted chopped root veg couscous and Pinot Grigio.

I only invite people whose company I enjoy. Really they are entertaining me.