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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my neighbour is pushy and I need to grow steel balls?

36 replies

Happyasapiginshite · 17/04/2012 15:08

There's lots of background story to this but I'll try to keep this short, without dripfeeding.

I live in a quiet cul de sac within an estate. I'm an open person and am friendly with my neighbours. About 4 years ago, a new neighbour moved in with her now DP who was living here with his dc already for many years. She's very friendly and I get along well with her. She and her dp have had problems and she has confided them in me. I tell this part of the story to illustrate that we do get along, although I wouldn't call her a friend. I would never confide in her. She has been pushy in the past (if anyone remembers the steel balls thread, I told how I ended up bringing her daughter to school every day having offered to drive her once).

As I say, we're friendly but...she drives me mad just landing at my doorstep saying "I saw you were home and just thought I'd come over for a chat". I gave many hints that I needed time after work (school) to come back to life before I was capable of adult conversation. I'm absolutely not a confrontational person and find it hard to be rude. Last Thurs, ds had 5 school friends around for a play and I was making dinner for them. The boys had left the front door open and the porch door closed (so you can just tun the handle and walk in). Next thing, my neighbour was in my kitchen saying "Just thought I'd pop over for a cuppa" while I'm standing there cooking. I didn't offer tea and kept cooking, doing lots of "I'm so stressed" noises and eventually she left after about 5 mins. Another time, I had a friend in who was visiting me and my new baby with a present. When I opened the door, I said to X "I actually have someone here, it doesn't suit" and in she comes anyway saying " I'm not staying, I just wanted to ask you about your tiles...." while she walks all the way into my kitchen and greets my friend. There's loads more that has pissed me off but I won't bore you.

My question is this: How do I stop this? What do I say when she just walks into my house? The door is always open when ds is out playing and it would drive me crazy to have to keep answering the door if I was to close it. What do I say when I open the door and I really DON'T want to invite her in??? It's ingrained in me to invite people in when they're at the door and it's really rude not to automatically put the kettle on. But I know I need to be more direct with her. Advice? Anyone any codes for the steel balls shop?

OP posts:
Gigondas · 17/04/2012 15:11

My god- who is this woman? I think you need to practice being assertive and not leave door open (cant ds knock or take a key).

How did you resolve the driving to school issue?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/04/2012 15:13

Keep the door locked, she sounds like a pain in the arse!

TiggyD · 17/04/2012 15:13

Steel balls cannot be purchased from a steel ball shop. You have to forge them yourself in the furnace of practice using the tongs of tact and the gloves of diplomacy.

TiggyD · 17/04/2012 15:14

And avoid sitting on anything magnetic.

Original poster
Happyasapiginshite · 17/04/2012 15:16

With the driving to school issue, which went on from Sept to March, it came to a head in my head so I was so so pissed off that I just said it straight to her that I didn't want to bring her any more and the weather was better now so she could walk. I did feel a bit mean cos I literally drove past her school on the way to mine but I felt taken advantage of. I think with the whole cup of tea thing, she's a bit bored at home and I think she's not able to read social cues the way someone else might. One time (dripfeeding here...) she called when my expended family and I were sitting around the table having a birthday tea for me and she sat herself down in the middle of everyone. Noone else I know would be that thick.

OP posts:
Anypointinseeingdoc · 17/04/2012 15:16

Install a door chain and use it so she can't push past you?

Practise saying you are busy working, just about to leave or make an important call. Answer the door with the phone in your hand?

Practse saying in a low, firm voice, "I'm sorry, it is not convenient, you will have to leave". Don't worry about offending her as she clearly isn't worried about offending you. The usual rules don't apply here.

You might need to put up with the inconvenience of letting your son in to give her the message.

Original poster
Happyasapiginshite · 17/04/2012 15:16

Grin @TiggyD

OP posts:
Montblanc · 17/04/2012 15:23

I'd like to know, I have a nightmare batty old neighbour who barges her way in too as she loves to see our baby even when one of us says 'actually it's not convenient, we are just feeding DS tea etc.' and she pushes through and says 'oh I don't mind' - er well we do!!

I can't believe some people don't take the hint that you want them to go away!
I think being blatantly rude and basically shutting the door on their face is the only way...

PurplePidjin · 17/04/2012 15:28

When she walks in, just say "what do you think you're doing?" then when she asks, say "I just said, it's not convenient"

manicbmc · 17/04/2012 16:12

Also Grin at Tiggy

I think you might just have to tell her not to barge into your house. Could you ask her to ring first to see if it's convenient? Then get caller id and not answer?

Vickles · 17/04/2012 16:13

I'm with Purplepidjin... You need to toughen up and take the bull by the horns.
It will feel a little alien for you to be like this (as you sounds really lovely) - but, this woman is taking the piss and needs to be reminded about boundaries!
Let us know how you get on.
x

mirry2 · 17/04/2012 16:19

For a start, do NOT invite her in. Let her stand at the doorway. IT IS YOUR CHOICE

PurplePidjin · 17/04/2012 16:20

I don't think there's any shame in being slightly less polite to a rude person. Don't stoop to their level, but self defense reacting is perfectly acceptable!

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 17/04/2012 16:26

I had one of these and in the end there was nothign for it but to offend her. The final straw was when I had cooked some food for my sister who was going to be coming to see me after her work....my neighbour came in and kept tasting it in the pan!

I would not have minded one taste but she literally kept going back and basically eating the contents of the fricking thing!

I said "M would you frigging leave the food alone! It's NOT YOURS!" and she was deeply offended....good riddance.

Shriekable · 17/04/2012 16:32

This woman sounds like my PIL, who live close by. When I had DS they just turned up whenever they felt like it, despite DH and me asking them to phone first. They would say 'just tell us if it's not convenient' and I would say 'it's not convenient' and then they would push past me, saying 'we won't stay long'. !!! But they always did. You sound like me, I hate confrontation and always try to please. However, I knew I had to grow a pair or my life wouldn't be my own. I took a leaf out of my sister's friend's book - she just says no. No reasons, no excuses, just no. 'can I come in?' 'no it's not convenient, got to go' and close the door. That's it.

At first It was really difficult, as MIL always had a 'counter offer'. But I just kept saying no without giving a reason (whereas before, for politeness, I was telling them every single reason why it wasn't convenient). The downside is that DH now says I am 'a bit hostile' to his DM, but on the plus side, she hardly bothers me now. And she used to be here 5 days out of every 6!!! And things are fine when I do see them.

McPopcornMouseNFries · 17/04/2012 16:43

If it's frequent, I think you could lock the door for a month and she'd learn she needed to lock, then you could go back to leaving it unlocked for DS?

When you answer the door to her you need to position yourself so she can't push past, and not back down/take a step back or to the side if she steps forward, making it clear you're barring entry and do not want her inside.

McPopcornMouseNFries · 17/04/2012 16:43

...learn she needed to knock not lock!

Original poster
Happyasapiginshite · 17/04/2012 16:49

I'd find it SOOO hard to be rude. It's really not in my nature though if people could read my thoughts they would not think I'm so nice and sweet and we live so close to each other it would be awkward. We're also in a wine book club together - along with 9 other ladies so I don't want there to be any bad feeling. I just need to get a bit tougher. There was no bad feeling after I told her I wasn't bringing her dd to school and it took me ages to build up the courage to say it to her.

In her defense, I don't think she thinks she's being rude. It's just the way she is.

Shriekable -Shock - that's a much bigger issue than my neighbour. I'm going to try to take a leaf out of your book.

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyasapiginshite · 17/04/2012 16:50

McPopcorn, that's exactly what I need to do (positioning myself at the door properly)

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 17/04/2012 18:16

she's being rude, you're teaching her some manners Wink

bobbledunk · 17/04/2012 19:00

Keep the door locked for a while. When she knocks give her a big smile and say that you can't talk your busy while closing the door a bit, when she tries to talk repeat 'sorry I'm busy, have to go' while closing it a bit more, as often as necessary until either she gets the hint or the door is fully closedSmile

I've yet to come across anybody who I've have to turn away like that more than once but if she's really mental you may have to do it a few times until she gets it.

Bonsoir · 17/04/2012 19:03

Is she very lonely?

Original poster
Happyasapiginshite · 17/04/2012 20:30

Bonsoir, she comes across as very outgiong and confident but she and her dp are not a very 'together' couple, IYKWIM, and I'd say she doesn't get emotional fulfilment from her relationship. I think also that she doesn't love being a mother even though she loves her children. She never brings her dd2 (5) to the park, for example. The 5 year old has never been to the zoo and we live very close to the zoo. I think it doesn't come easy to her. So while she has the outward appearance of being confident etc, I really don't think she is. I do like her, she's good craic, but I'd just like her in smaller controlled doses.

I had another thought. I could leave the key in the hall door for ds to come in. Even she would never be cheeky enough to turn the key in the door!

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 17/04/2012 20:38

I've had a neighbour like this - door positioning is indeed crucial so don't open it fully and always keep your free arm stretched across to the door frame to form an actual and psychological barrier.

Bonsoir · 17/04/2012 20:40

Hmm... it sounds as if she doesn't have a lot of inner life to guide her...