to tell my friend that a rich man isn't the solution to all her problems?

[penguinsoup]

Just that really.
She's on that eHarmony place and told me she won't consider anyone who isn't very well off. Oh, and he must be a homeowner.

She said that she wants to feel secure and not have to struggle. But she can sort that out herself IMO!

Yes, it irks my feminist leanings but I respect her honesty.

I understand wanting someone who is solvent and ambitious but I don't think a rich man will make her happy by virtue of his wealth alone. (As someone who works with many miserable wives of rich men I can back this up with RL examples!)

I want to tell her that I think her approach is wrong. But should I keep my nose out and not fling around the dating advice?

She is still smarting after her sister told her that she's too old (38) for a rich man as they are all after 20 year olds

There is also the fact that I think she may be very disappointed when she sees what's out there, but that's an entirely different conversation

IMO there's nothing wrong with having those things on your list - that he must have his own money and be a homeowner, but I would hope that's not the sole sum of what she's after, just hoping to get these as part of the "ideal" package? Is her entire aim to be "kept" in the end?

I know you mean well but I'd leave well alone if I were you and let her find out for herself. You never know, she might strike lucky!

She said that she wants to feel secure and not have to struggle. But she can sort that out herself IMO!

How? Please let me know as I'd like to know!!! Not as easy as it sounds imo.

I agree with you Whale, but she wants loadsamoney- that she wouldn't have to work if they had children- or worry about bills- and buy expensive bespoke chairs- that sort of thing.

I'm in no position to tell her 'you're wrong' as that's just my opinion, but I think she could be very happy with a more modest existence and a lovely man- and just that she shouldn't rule it out.

Though it might fall on deaf ears.

She can, Maisy. She is successful, she earns good money and still has more rungs of the ladder to go.

How? Hard work, long hours and ambition I think in her case.

It is going to fall on deaf ears.

It might not be so much about being rich, but finding a person who shares her values, and finding a person who has the wits about him to create wealth for himself. It is perhaps that type of person she wants, rather than somebody who has not figured out how to make money, and make it grow. Some people prefer men who nurtures their pensions, and other people prefer men who nurtures families, plants, etc.

oo er so she does want to be "kept" eventually. Seems a bit skew wiff if you ask me, but if I'm honest I'd quite like that too . I wouldn't base whether or not I fancied/loved/liked someone on how much money they had though, that's just not right hence my lovely yet poor DH.

I wouldn't say anything, she'll find out soon enough that it doesn't work that way.

She's not looking for love, she's searching for a meal ticket.

A relationship based on that kind of transaction is not about finding happiness, it's about getting stuff.

Her sister is right - the way these transactions usually work is that the man provides material goods and the woman provides sex with someone young and nubile.

Not many rich men looking to pay a woman's way are seeking out women heading for the end of their childbearing years.

shrugs who would openly admit they wanted to be with someone with no money, no ambition, no job, etc etc

There's nothing wrong with no wanting to struggle, if I had the choice I'd be happy not to struggle!!

That is the problem about these dating websites, you can be very specific about what you want and actually just because they tick all your boxes then you may be missing the person who would actually be perfect for you inspite not 'meeting' all criteria.

If I had been looking on a dating website I would have definitely put in height 5ft 10 and above as always fancied taller men (I am 5ft4) but my DH is only 5 ft 8 and he is the loveliest person I have ever met so would never have met him!!!

I can understand what your friend is saying in a way though. If she's quite successful then I can understand that she wouldn't want to meet someone that would expect her to keep them!

Yeah, and her biological clock is Big Ben..

BONG

I admit it made me a bit uncomfortable, as I married a plant lover and I will hold my hands up and say there is a small part of me that envies those who (to paraphrase my auntie) "made a smart match". (Not that we are on skid row- but you know what I mean).

I might just leave her to it. Though I couldn't personally sacrifice tight buttocks for an account at Coutts. :o

I can see your point Penguin and I agree that money alone will not guarantee a happy relationship. I also agree that maybe she could achieve the lifestyle through her own work. However, in my opinion, feminism is about having the same choices and opportunities as a man. Some men prefer to stay at home with the children and the woman is the breadwinner. Maybe your friend doesn't want to climb the ladder any further, maybe she wants to be able to have the choice to be a stay at home mum and for her, this would be more important and fulfilling. It doesn't mean she has to marry the first millionaire she meets but if she knows what she wants from life, why not try to get it?

I have a very posh friend who will only date very posh men. I honestly don't think she would be happy with someone without money, and while in the abstract I might think that's kind of shallow, in reality my friend is really really lovely and generous and sweet. She just has high expectations and doesn't see the need to compromise.

Maybe your friend is being unrealistic, at the same time I admire someone who sticks to their high expectations and doesn't settle for less just because they're getting older and the clock is ticking.

When I was looking for a partner, I wanted someone with hair, teeth and a working penis. I guess I have pretty basic needs.

I really hope she hits the jackpot and gets a loaded, considerate, handsome man who is really funny, good in bed and wants to impregnate her immediately.

I've decided to stay out of it, she's got enough rings on her trunk to know what she wants and I guess I'll be here if it all goes pear shaped.

"She just has high expectations and doesn't see the need to compromise."

Wanting to marry someone just because they are rich isn't having "high" expectations, unless you think rich people are better than poorer people.

What your friend has are mercenary expectations.

Yanbu, I have three friends who, after getting v good qualifications and working for a few years, doing well but not enjoying it, stopped work when they got married and ttc, openly stating that their husbands (all reasonably well-paid but not rich) would support them. I was / am but said nothing.

It is more "normal" - and hard work for them - now they have DC because they are SAHMs. But they didn't stop to become SAHMs, they stopped because IMO they couldn't be arsed working hard.

She's not looking for a considerate man, and she won't find one if she's just trying to bag someone with lots of money so she can sponge off him in return for providing regular sex.

Considerate men are not generally looking for a woman who just wants to use them for their money.

Also, they are in quite high demand amongst women who know what it really means to aim high.

Well she isn't willing to marry just anyone who's rich. She's looking for someone smart and funny and kind, just like anyone else, but she thinks that given her background and lifestyle she would be most compatible with someone wealthy.

I personally don't agree with it, but then I've been skint my whole life!

To be honest if she is fairly rich herself (as it sounds) she may think that going for a reasonably rich man herself is the best way to avoid those who might be only interested in her for her money. So actually it could be a sensible filter to cut out "gold diggers" and make sure the men she dates are genuinely interested in her.

I have a friend who is convinced that meeting Mr. Loaded is going to see all her problems in life ... Problem is she wants him to be unattached with no baggage and without any children and frankly at 40 (her age and the age group she's looking in) that's very unrealistic isn't it ??? Also, even if she found him in sure she'd then want to know why he was without previous baggage and children at his age so her Mr. loaded (even if he existed) can never win anyway.

And it's these reasons that she has discounted loads of really nice (from what I can see) guys. Shame really.

My sister was on an Internet dating site and wanted a vegetarian who shared her taste in music... she met someone at a party who she has completely fallen for, he is a proud meat eater with a love of 80's cheesey pop (which my sis hates).

"To be honest if she is fairly rich herself (as it sounds) she may think that going for a reasonably rich man herself is the best way to avoid those who might be only interested in her for her money."

Well, you'd think, but a man choosing her for that reason would have a bit of a wake-up call coming :o

She's living in cloud Cuckoo land. I was single and childless in my late 30's (had a good job too) and I can tell you straight up. 'Rich men' who want to 'look after' a woman do not exist. Men like that have their pick of women and will pick a stunning girl in her early 20's every time. Sorry to burst her bubble but that's reality.

In my experience, the men that were online dating in that age group were not good. Very mysoginistic and contemptuous of single women in their 30's. None of them wanted to know. In fact if you heard some of their conversations on forums etc. Their perception of childless women in their late 30's is that they are desperate rejected bunny boilers who drink too much and watch SATC to be avoided at all costs.

As I say that's just my experience but it wasn't good. I ended up giving it up as a bad job but luckily met someone great offline. He's a decade younger but far more evolved, not rich but debt free and sensible with money.

The point is she needs to get real. As you said she needent be turning her nose upm at good guys if they aren't rich. Being solvent and debt free is hard enough to find!

My cousin was widowed in her early 30s. In her mid-40s she went 'shopping' for a new husband. She bagged herself a property developer in his 60s and now enjoying a lifestyle that involves flitting between their 4 homes - one in Lyme Regis, one in the South of France, on in London and one in St Lucia.

It is possible.

YANBU

I recently went to a school Inset day (as a Governor) and one of the year 6 teachers told me that many of the girls in her class...when asked what they want to be when they grow up, want to be WAGS

I blame that stupid Sex and the City and that Mr Big crap.