to tell my friend that a rich man isn't the solution to all her problems?

[penguinsoup]

Just that really.
She's on that eHarmony place and told me she won't consider anyone who isn't very well off. Oh, and he must be a homeowner.

She said that she wants to feel secure and not have to struggle. But she can sort that out herself IMO!

Yes, it irks my feminist leanings but I respect her honesty.

I understand wanting someone who is solvent and ambitious but I don't think a rich man will make her happy by virtue of his wealth alone. (As someone who works with many miserable wives of rich men I can back this up with RL examples!)

I want to tell her that I think her approach is wrong. But should I keep my nose out and not fling around the dating advice?

She is still smarting after her sister told her that she's too old (38) for a rich man as they are all after 20 year olds

There is also the fact that I think she may be very disappointed when she sees what's out there, but that's an entirely different conversation

Well if you're really her friend and care about her then i guess you should probably have a chat about what a man in his 40s who is very well off and not attached is probably like.
My first guess would be a workaholic. Would she actually like to be married to a workaholic? Does she care that she wouldn't be his priority and he'd likely be surgically attached to his crackberry/laptop?

I dunno really. If she is solvent in her own right, works hard and doesnt want to be meeting blokes who are skint, living in rented flats, and likely to want her to fund their lives, then fair play to her.

All she is doing on eHarmony is laying out some ground rules for the background of the person she would like to meet, and that is reasonable to me.

Of course it's possible to prostitute yourself to a rich man, if that is all you want out of life.

I think there needs to be a distinction between
-wanting someone who is financially stable and
-wanting someone who shits money.

She wants the latter. So, for example, if a man makes, say £40,000 grand a year and has, say ten years left on his mortgage, she's not interested.

Heh, she'll never go after mine.

I don't think 'rich men' are any more vain than poor ones tbh, so i think her plan is flawed

Amen.

And I've been out with rich wankers, and poor wankers.

I can completely understand the 'not wanting to struggle'. There's nothing noble or poetic in worrying about bills.

I think using phrases like 'prostituting herself' are a bit harsh. The op said she is also looking for someone funny, kind etc. It's clearly not all about the money. She sounds like she's being pragmatic. To be honest, all the romantic disasters I know happened when pragmatism was thrown to the wind and people were swept along in a romantic whirlwind. That's not to say that there aren't people who've married solely for money, of course there are, I just personally don't know any. Often, as other posters have given examples of, people end up falling in love with and marrying people they would never have considered on paper.

There are definitely people out there with ridiculous check lists of what they will and won't go for in a man, that probably includes 'must have own herd of unicorns'. In general though, life happens, and people either do marry someone close to their check list or get swept off their feet by a bearded potter who lives in a yurt.

Marrying the love of your life is what most people hope for. If they also happen to be rich, that's a-ok.

Just literally laughed out loud at 'must have own herd of unicorns'

When I tried eHarmony I put in a whole list of requirements, mostly that any man I met should be reasonably intelligent/educated, with a reasonable job, living within a 40 mile radius from me, as well as the whole sense of humour, etc. I only got 2 matches, one was a binman who left school at 16 (might have been a lovely man, but really wasn't what I had asked to meet), and the other was unemployed and living on a mates sofa (again, not anywhere close to my list of requirements)

It's a good job Match.com had a better selection of men in my area. I had 3 dates with reasonably good matches that I just didn't feel a spark with, then I found my dp on there and we've been together for 6 years.

Not wanting to struggle is completely different from setting out to find a partner who is rich so you can live off them (afterthoughts about him being funny notwithstanding).

Looking at how someone deals with money is really important in figuring out what kind of person they are and what kind of domestic partner they'll make.

Insisting that you will only consider rich men that will be able to look after you is different - it is putting yourself on the market and hoping to be bought by a rich man looking to buy himself a suitable wife.

If you are 38, you are not an attractive buy for most of the men who will be shopping.

A friend of mine who's 40 met a man last year on a dating website. He's very well off (boat owner, 2 homes, etc etc) My friend is nothing special looks-wize but she has a very good career (top management), is fairly well off herself so they are well suited and have loads in common.

If your friend is a "woman of substance", I don't think she would have anything in common with someone in a bedsit who's unemployed. You want at least to "meet your match" in a partnership.

I don't necessarily buy into this all men are looking for a young bimbo to shag thing. Some men are and clearly are to be found on dubious websites chancing their arm. Most men want someone with whom they can have a laugh, share interests, activities etc. Given the choice between a skinny, blonde model type 20 year old beauty and an older, average weight, attractive, girl next door type, most men would pick the latter.

Men who have trophy wives/girlfriends are almost, always twats of the highest order who should be avoided.

She is still smarting after her sister told her that she's too old (38) for a rich man as they are all after 20 year olds

HAHAHAHAHA, EXACTLY

Well, I won't tell her she's a prostitute or that she's on the scrap heap...

I'm going to let her have a crack at it without me sticking my oar in. And, if she becomes disillusioned with what follows, I will try and be supportive, and then, share my honest opinions with her.

You never know, she might get what she wants.

She's 38. She looks better than most 28 year olds. So the age is neither here nor there IMO.

"Men who have trophy wives/girlfriends are almost, always twats of the highest order who should be avoided."

Precisely.

And that's all you're going to find if you market yourself as a commodity.

BTW - what is she bringing to the party to get herself bought up by a rich man looking for a wife?

Is she very rich herself? Stunning? Very well connected? Royal?

Men who are looking to attract women only interested in money will want something in return.

That's what I always find about women who basically base their relationship choices on the pound signs. What is she able to offer? It's all very well and good wanting money, but you can't begrudge that the money party might want youth and beauty. Such is life.

jodidi and you got that after that 50 page questionnaire?

yes i did. It was rubbish, but apparently they were the only men in my area on the site. Perhaps I should have said I was willing to travel, but I wasn't. It was a complete waste of time.

but EVERYBODY on eharmony gets married

at least three tube carriages full a second..

if she's honest with the man in question then her choice. she has to accept that a man in that position who doesn't already have a wife is likely to have some baggage of some description and probably has that much money because all they have done is work

You'll just have to avoid any comments along the lines of "i told you so" in 10 years when she's still single.

it amazes me some of the choices people make. I have a single friend at 40 who refuses to have any relationship with a man who has any previous long term relationship becasue she doesn't want to deal with previous rlationship baggage. Tried telling her a 40 year old man who's never had a long term relationship has signicant other issues she's going to have to deal with.

Cloud cuckoo land where mills and boon tales come true must be a lovely place (are mills and boon still going?)

"AIBU to tell my friend..." You might come across as envious and resentful if you did. I don't think she ever said that money etc. were her only criteria, did she? Always, in any part of life, aim high; you might miss, but whatever you hit is likely to be better than what you get if you don't aim at all.

She's 38? I suppose it's the same as pining for a big lottery win, and her chances are probably the same - about 14m:1.

Her sister was right, however hurtful your friend found it.

Better to get on with life. I always found I met the nicest men when I wasn't looking!

"You might come across as envious and resentful if you did."

:o

Yeah, people are always so jealous of desperate women looking for a rich man to marry them before their fertility runs out. It's such an enviable position to be in.