"When do I get a break?" AIBU?

[featherbag]

DS, 28 weeks, is teething in a big way. He's screamed from morning to night today, I've not been able to put him down for more than 5 minutes, I didn't get more than an hour's sleep in one go last night (about 4 hours in total) and have been up since 6am. DH left for work at 7.30, has a 40 minute drive each way to work, and gets a 30 minute lunch break which he usually spends in a local park with a book. When he got home at 4.30, he fannied on did some bits in the garden (which he enjoys), then I asked him to please take DS for a while just to give me a break as I desperately needed to just sit and not have to do something for 10 minutes. I also asked DH to do bathtime at 6. Cue massive strop on part of DH with 'when do I get a break?'

AIBU to ask him to take over childcare for 60-90 minutes a day? I don't insist he do bathtime every night, but do think he should want to do it tbh, as it's really the only time he gets to spend with DS during the week. This is a genuine AIBU by the way, my head's hurting so much and I feel so utterly drained I can't trust my own reasoning.

YADNBU!!
(but fighting the same battle here!)

YAnBU at all! Dh is. Massively so.

Leave DS with him for a good few hours at the weekend an give him a taste of what it's like.

YANBU. Hours when he is working, you look after DS. Outside of those hours are 50:50 or thereabouts.

Sorry about those bastard teeth

YANBU; you must both be shattered but he needs to start stepping up pronto. Sounds like he's having a 'omg life has changed due to new baby' strop to me.

YANBU, you know that, but I don't know how best to advise you to tackle your DH? Is he normally a jerk, or was this uncharacteristic?

Are you breastfeeding? Could you go out and leave him solo with DS for a longish spell at a weekend so that he really gets what it's like being at home with a screaming baby?

Tell him exactly how hard your day has been and how you're feeling, then hand over DS. If you look like you're coping well, then he will have no idea that you've had a dreadful day and haven't just been serenely walking in the park and having biscuits and tea while he has been at work.

I second YADNBU. This is your dh's ds too and if you dont get a proper break every day you will snap. Your dh is being massively selfish. He needs to spend a day on his own with your ds to appreciate just how exhausting it is. Can you leave him and ds for a day at the weekend?

YANBU, I agree with HappyJustToBe. But also, sometimes it's not about making sure each of you have 50:50 breaks but about supporting whoever is having a rough time. If he was having a really stressful time at work and needed some extra headspace he should get it. You're having a really stressful time and need some extra headspace, you should get it.

YADNBU

HappyToBe got there first. Your DH needs to get with parenting.

Oh, thank you, I was wondering if it was me BU! I've just started phased return to work and will be doing my first weekend shift in a couple of weeks, I hope DH doesn't have a bad day with DS (will be their very first full day alone) but I'm also really hoping he gets a taste of what the last 6 months has been like for me! My lovely mam is watching DS when my shifts fall during the week, although I'm FT I only work 3 days a week as my shifts are 13 hours. I tried to explain to DH that I expect tomorrow's 7.30-8.30 ED shift to be easier than today was, but I don't think he believed me!

Yadnbu!

Ask how his day was, 5 minute chat, then hand ds over. Don't ask just do it.

If needs be go for a walk or a drive. You need to switch off even if it's just half an hour.

So he basically thinks your day was 'a break', because that's what his question implies. Did you ask him when do you get your break? I'd have been very interested to hear his reply.

I agree that your job is to look after the baby while he is at work - when he gets home it should be shared equally.

YANBU but your DH might need to spend a long stretch of time alone with DS to fully realise it.

YADNU. I know it can be a bit of a struggle to remember that DPs have been at work for 8 hours, not just pissing around enjoying themselves, so they do need a little bit of a break during the evening. A little. And so do you! Go out in the car for half an hour and leave him to it. If he's had an hour and a half in the car to listen to the radio and think his own thoughts, you should get that too!

He's usually lovely, but he has found the transition to being parents harder than I have. I've noticed lately he'll 'volunteer' to 'just nip to the supermarket for whatever' or 'such and such desperately needs doing in the garden' just at the right time to avoid feeding time/bathtime/bedtime, and I'm getting a little sick of it. I know it's because DS, who is usually a little joy, is being 'difficult' (for want of a better word) lately because of those awful teeth, but I need him to understand that what he sees for a short time when he gets home, I've had all day and often all night

In our house we call gardening and the like, "baby avoidance" because I was sick of DH doing stuff like that instead of giving me a break. Now we do about half and half the baby avoidance and his relationship with DD is better for it. It is a vicious circle where they only want their mums because their dads never look after them.

I know he works hard Bella, I really do, but you know what? I envy that half hour in the park with a book and a packet of sandwiches! Today I even envied the 2x40 minute drives with no one drooling on my shoulder, screaming constantly and my own choice of music to sing along to as loudly as I like

Once again the whole, they work hard thing. Either childcare is easy, in which case it won't hurt them to do some, or it's hard work, in which case we need a break. Why does it always seem to be easy when we are doing it and hard when they are?

We also have baby avoidance and bedtime avoidance! You both need a break sometimes. Perhaps you should answer his question "when do I get a break?" with a firm reply such as " between 5 and 5.30, now lets decide when I get my break"

His break is when he is asleep in his bed and you are up with ds

• or when he is relaxing in the car
• or when he is having a wee/cup of tea/chat when he wishes
• or when he is eating his lunch
• or when he is surfing the net at work becuase he has a free 10 minutes

Send him over here OP My DH is very good around the house and with the kids these days

I'm guessing you are a nurse from what you have said about your shifts so I am sorry if I am about to try to teach you to suck eggs - not intentional but my dc are almost grown up.

One thing I remember clearly was when ds was about 8 and had 2nd or big molars coming in and a really tough boy who has played Prop or Hooker forever was in a corner of the sofa sobbing with pain. It made me realise that I had not given calpol as much as I should when he was a baby and we put is fractiousness down to teething.

Secondly, the first time he screamed all night and fussed all day we put it down to teething for a few days. On the third day I took him to the doctor and he actually had a stonking ear infection. Might be worth checking, especially if he is worse at night and when he is lying down.

Good luck OP - it passes, eventually. And my DH was hopeless at the baby stage then. As soon as they could run and kick a ball be a bit more independent he got much much better and turned into a lovely dad.

YADNBU. I had the same battle - often with the line but I work FT. FWIW so did I!!

Then when we split he wouldn't have DS for a night (just 1 night) because 'when will I get to go out'.

Some people are just selfish.

featherbag, its something I really, REALLY struggle to remember myself! I envy DP is time on the train, reading in peace (am at home with 3mo). I envy his 10 min walk from the station without pushing the world's largest and most annoying pram. I reckon one of the biggest problems is that when we (sahm mums) get an hour off from the DCs we're rushing around putting the wash on, doing the dishes, making bottles, hoovering... gah. When DP isn't looking after the baby on his days off, he's playing computer games...

But that's the other thing that I feel churlish for pointing out Bella, I'm not a SAHM, I work FT too, but as I do longer shifts I get more days off! I feel like I'm doing 2 physically, mentally and emotionally demanding FT jobs, while DH only actually works 7 hours a day at the most, as his job usually lets him bugger off early.

You're right though, I spent the time I ended up insisting he spent looking after DS tonight doing the tidying and washing up, loading the washing machine and making lunches for tomorrow. But even that felt like a break after the day I've had!

Its amazing how quickly just doing the washing up in peace and quiet becomes a treat, isn't it?! But sorry, didn't realise you worked FT too. In which case you are SO BNU and you should split it 50/50!