"When do I get a break?" AIBU?

[featherbag]

DS, 28 weeks, is teething in a big way. He's screamed from morning to night today, I've not been able to put him down for more than 5 minutes, I didn't get more than an hour's sleep in one go last night (about 4 hours in total) and have been up since 6am. DH left for work at 7.30, has a 40 minute drive each way to work, and gets a 30 minute lunch break which he usually spends in a local park with a book. When he got home at 4.30, he fannied on did some bits in the garden (which he enjoys), then I asked him to please take DS for a while just to give me a break as I desperately needed to just sit and not have to do something for 10 minutes. I also asked DH to do bathtime at 6. Cue massive strop on part of DH with 'when do I get a break?'

AIBU to ask him to take over childcare for 60-90 minutes a day? I don't insist he do bathtime every night, but do think he should want to do it tbh, as it's really the only time he gets to spend with DS during the week. This is a genuine AIBU by the way, my head's hurting so much and I feel so utterly drained I can't trust my own reasoning.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask him to do the bath thing every day to be honest, sometimes a break doing anything other than something child related is exactly what you need especially on the days you are not working.

Unfortunately I know many many of my friends who have a similar issue, they have left it to carry on and on and it can get extremely stressful and also damaging to a relationship.

You must say something before it becomes a massive issue!!

I think that if one parent works and other is at home, the one at home should do pretty much all childcare, but in your case if you're also working full time, then I think chores outside work time should be split 50/50.

I think some people are quick to criticise guys in this scenario. When you're out out at work, it does seem that the parent at home is having an easy time. Your DH is probably just isn't aware how much there is to do

It's easy to become a martyr. I'm guilty of this. Sometimes it's best to let things slip a bit so people see how much is done by "the housework fairies" while they're out at work. It's easy to take it for granted if it's all done for you

Hang on, redwine, are you saying that if you're a parent at home your job is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but if you also have a paid job you're let off doing more than half the childcare outside paid work hours? Something fishy about that...

Oh, and DH is a SAHD and I'm at work FT. Funnily enough, I worked out a long time ago that I've got the easy bit.

Hi Downandoutnumbered - Sorry I meant that I think that a SAHP should do pretty much all the household chores, I was meaning more cleaning, cooking & stuff. I think that parenting should be more evenly split. I guess it depends (1) how many children you have and (2) if they are at school. In this case OP is having a hard time with a teething child, but I am sometimes surprised that SAHP expect WOHP to do a lot of household chores

We've had a chat now that DS is asleep, and I've just gotten out of the nice hot bath DH ran me. He accepts that looking after DS, especially at the moment, is harder work than he gave me credit for, but I still don't think he 'gets' it. Still, I have a couple of weekend shifts coming up when it'll be just DH and DS literally from breakfast to bed, so maybe it won't be long before he does 'get' it!

FWIW, while I was on ML I absolutely did not do all of the household chores, nor was this expected of me! DH was working outside the home, I was employed to look after our child. If I had time, I would (of course) do cleaning, washing, etc. and most days managed to do at least something in the house, but I hated being stuck in the house with DS so would spend most days when it wasn't raining out walking. I still do this on my days off. Most of the household tasks get done at the weekend when we can juggle childcare and housework between us.

I guess it comes down to what you think is the job of a sahp. To me, it is primarily about caring for the children. Of course, I will do housework because I am physically here, during the day and my dh is not and my dc are of an age where it's possible. If I had a teething baby, I would absolutely be spending my time looking after the baby and trying to help him. That would mean the house work is unlikely to get done during the day.

However, the housework would still need to get done, so if I physically couldn't do it, because I was dealing with the baby, I would expect dh to help me when he got home form work - it's his house too.

I would certainly expect dh to spend time with the dc, once he got home from work and help look after him. Particularly if he was getting a full nights sleep and I was not.

You may want to ask him about his desire to bond with DS, and point out that only by spending time together at an early stage will they find that connection. For men I think there is a special side of yourself that you only find when taking care of your infant child.

OP, I hope the upcoming weekends do help your DH to "get it". But IME, a day is not enough. They can easily juggle through a day being "funny daddy", ignoring the housework and just trying to keep the DCs happy/amused. Chuck in a few up-and-down nights with feeds and teething, and the housework, and then they might be somewhat closer to "getting it".

Although my DH is still in front of his work computer downstairs at the moment, I would in a heartbeat rather be doing that than trying to get our baby to go back to sleep for the umpteenth time, with the prospect of another disturbed and fretful night ahead.

OP, on nights when you are due to get up for work the next day too and your little one is unsettled, who gets up to him?

In theory, DH does, although this only started happening last week after I realised my shifts are twice the length of his and if I fuck up because I'm tired the consequences have the potential to be rather more severe than if DH does! In practice, due to DH's ability to sleep through Armageddon, I'm the one that wakes up, and usually end up seeing to DS. But not tonight! Oh no, tonight if I wake up and he doesn't, I'll be kicking him in the kidneys nudging him gently to get up, see to DS and switch the monitor off while he's doing it!

I think the idea that the SAHP does most/all the housework is hilarious. Theoretically, that would mean that when I have a baby, I go from working 8 hour days and off at the weekends with half the housework to do then to working 24/7 with all the housework and no time off. My DH on the other hand goes from working 8 hour days and off at the weekends with half the housework to do then to working just 8 hours with no housework. Eh? He works less and I work more? Hell no. In our house, we both work and we both do housework. I prefer hanging with DD and DH prefers baby avoidance tasks so that is normally the balance. However, if I have had a bad day with her or something, I get 'time off'. He does almost every bedtime and I do all the ill overnights.

Can anyone explain why, when men reproduce, they suddenly acquire a full time housekeeper?

MrsTP when I was a sahm, it took me about two hours a day tops to do the housework. I then had the privilege of playing with, walking out with and looking after the baby. I found it a delightful and welcome change from 15 years of very hard graft in the City. So, I replaced 8 well 12 in my case hours of work with 2 hours of work and the rest of the time was my own to manage and do what I had always wanted which was to be a mummy.

Sounds lovely. I still really don't understand why men suddenly don't have to do any housework. I was a SAHM not a housewife/cleaner.