to expect my 3YO to sleep through the night in her own bed?

[bean612]

She's been getting up virtually every single night for months now, sometimes multiple times (but even if it's just once I rarely get back to sleep for hours afterwards). I'm exhausted, DH is exhausted, SHE is exhausted - and when she's exhausted she is soooo grumpy, which of course just makes everything harder for everyone. What do I do???

My dd used to do this. We just let her climb into our bed and she'd sleep between us. I usually didn't even hear her arrive.

She's only 4 and a half now and has grown out of it, sleeps through in her own bed every night, has for 6 months or so.

I'm glad I didn't bother with the battle. I got much more sleep.

Let her stay in bed with you?

Let her stay in bed with you?

I wouldn't mind at all if this worked for us, but she's a very wriggly sleeper which means neither DH or I sleep properly, and I'm not convinced she does either. I really don't want a battle, but I also know that none of us are functioning properly at the moment and it's not doing any of us any good.

What is waking her?

We co-slept from the beginning, so we would have them in with us.

However, it doesn't work for everyone and it's no good if nobody is getting sleep.

Are there any external reasons? Light, noise, unsettled at nursery?

Other than that, it might just be sticking to your guns and riding it out. I know you're not supposed to, but sometimes a bit of bribery works. Points earned for each full night in bed towards a desirable day out?

I feel your pain. My youngest DC is 4 next month and still climbs into bed with me every night. If I wake, I put her back in her own bed, but the little minx just creeps back in as soon as I fall asleep.

Tee2072/Mishy I wish I knew, I really do. I'm always asking her, and she's very articulate but she doesn't seem to know. Recently she started saying it was too dark, so we've put on a dim nightlight but that hasn't helped at all. There's a trainline at the back of the garden but that's been there since she was born and she's never mentioned that it's a problem (also, we can't really get rid of it!)

She's fine at nursery, usually runs in without a backward glance and seems very fond of the staff, other kids, etc.

We tried a course of bribery - a piece of pasta in a jar for every night in her own bed, 5 pieces = special Peppa cup with built in twisty straw, which she loves, but that took about 3 weeks and was more a case of her happening not to wake up every few nights.

Also, DH and I are thinking about TTC no.2 and that makes it more worrying. How to cope with multiple baby wakings plus toddler wandering in all the time on top of that??

Stairgate on bedroom door worked for us and basically after checking that they were fine and didn't need anything - left them to get on with it.

Sounds harsh but worked for us

Can't really help much but I did wonder about one of those clocks with 'wake up alarm' things on them. ( www.amazon.co.uk/Kid-Sleep-KSMFACP-ClaessensKids-Wake-KidSleep/dp/B004GHEDL0/ref=pd_sim_sbs_by_2 )

Which is a crap description. Basically, we have one that is a normal clock with a little bubble thing off to one side. The bubble has a light behind it and is split in two. The bottom half shows a little girl asleep in bed, the top half shows her awake and riding on a scooter. We had an early waker, so we bought the clock and established the rule that as long as the little girl was in bed, so did our little girl have to be! (We did it by repeatedly taking her back to bed, showing her the clock, and saying 'The little girl is in bed, you need to be in bed'. We had tears but only for a couple of nights.) We put lots of books on the end of her bed, and also said she could look at them but was NOT to get up. Sometimes we hear her padding around in her room collecting new books to look at but mostly she seems to stay put, and I know at least once she has woken up, started looking at the books and fallen asleep again.
It seems to help, having a visual reminder of what she should be doing.

Don't know if that would be any use but might be worth thinking about.

I had the same problem.

Have you considered a 'Gro-Clock'? You can get them on Amazon for about £20 or so.

You read your DC a story (which comes with the clock) and at a point in the story they press a button which makes a moon appear on the clock. They are then told not to get out of bed until 'Mr Sunshine' appears (a big yellow sun appears at the time you set the clock).

I used it with my DD and apart from the odd occasion when she decides she doesn't want to wait for Mr Sunshine, she stays in bed until he appears.

Ah, thanks babybythesea and KazzaRazza, but we already have a GroClock and it makes sod-all difference! The only thing it's been useful for is the nightlight option (not that that has made any difference to the wakings). She might well see that it's still 'star time', i.e. night-time, but she doesn't give a stuff. Sigh.

I think if you don't want her coming in your room you have to be quite tough about it, i.e. bring her back to her bed straightaway EVERY time she comes in with a firm "we all need to be asleep now, you need to get back into bed". Otherwise you could try making up a small bed in your room - maybe a mattress on the floor - and tell her she can come in but not to wake you up. A friend did that with her DD who came in every night and it at least meant everyone managed to sleep, she didn't sleep through in her own room until she was about 7 though.

Is it worth trying to make as little eye-contact with her as possible when she comes in - don't say anything, don't engage - just carry or walk her back and put her into bed. Repeat ad nauseum. Every single time she comes in - no eye contact, no words, just put her back into bed. You'll probably have a few hellish nights where you get barely any sleep, and where you may well spend pretty much all night doing this...

...but, the rule of 3 should eventually kick in. Terrible first night, bad second and third night, and then after that, hope for the best.

This isn't foolproof of course, but worth a shot? 3, maybe 4 or 5 hideous nights, and then the possibility of improvement?

This technique relies of utter commitment and tenacious consistency, though. If you give up half way through the third night in a desperate fit of exhaustion, then you might as well not bother doing it at all.

This is just a suggestion, as my 3 year old is a good sleeper, as is his younger sister. They weren't always - but utter consistency was the key.

It's hard to be detached and unengaged, especially when you're desperate for sleep, and especially when that's not how you are with them during the day. But they have to learn that night time is for sleep. They need sleep. You need sleep. Night time is for sleeeeep!! And a few nights of this, along with lots of the usual love and reassurance during the day, will get the message across. She will learn soon enough - if you're utterly consistent - that there's no fun or reaction or anything to be had from coming into you during the night.

My DD used to be the same and we tried SonofBaldrick's approach. Worked for us.

We do sometimes let her in with us if she wakes up crying from a bad dream, but she has to be inconsolable.

Oops, SodOffBaldrick's approach, that should be.

I'm awake at nearly 3am with DC2 BTW. Sadly I don't seem to have the answer for getting babies to sleep through.

Oh yeah, all the usual caveats apply - if she's ill or had a bad dream or whatever, then obviously she should be comforted, and everything should be postponed 'til another time.

It's probably even worth explaining to her what's going to happen. Sit her down and say that she need to learn and understand that night time is for sleep, and that she, mummy and daddy all need sleep to be happy and healthy. As from tonight, every time she wakes up, she will be immediately returned to her own room in order for everyone to go back to sleep. Every time she comes in, she will be returned to bed to sleep until she learns and understands that night time is for sleep (keep repeating the 'night time is for sleep' mantra). Tell her that you will do this for however long it takes her to understand that night time is for sleep, even if it takes lots of nights. Give her lots of cuddles.

Let it sink in. Then DO IT!!! If she knows you mean total business before you even embark on it, she might even comply sooner than anticipated.

Thank you - and sorry you guys were awake so late!!! I think all of you are right about the very firm taking back to bed approach. I kind of knew that we were going to have to go down that route but I guess I was avoiding it as I know that she will SCREAM the house down for the first night at least. But you have made me realize that it needs doing, for all our sakes - her nursery staff said she was really grumpy yesterday, shouting and throwing things - that'll be cos she was up for nearly 2 hours during the night then...

And SodoffBaldrick I was wondering about telling her beforehand too, and I think it's a good idea. She's easily old enough to understand and I'd like her to know in advance what's happening because it seems really mean to one night be sitting in her room with her for a few mins, then the next night suddenly just putting her back to bed and saying a firm goodnight, without any warning.

My two year old the same from the day we turned the cot into the cot bed. He had been an amazing sleeper up until that day. He didn't get upset being put back into bed but kept coming into our room up to 6 or 7 times a night. We were exhausted. Our door frames are an odd size so couldn't get a cheap (non-permanently fixed) stair gate or anything.

About 6 months later we went on holiday for 16 nights and he didn't get up once, a couple of weeks after that we stayed at my mums for 7 weeks as had lots of building work done and he didn't get up once.

We put him in with DS1 as we thought maybe he didn't like sleeping alone but that made no difference so we realised it could be the cot bed. It was a really nice one with a brilliant mattress but on holiday and at my mums he was in a normal bed. From the day we got the proper bed he never got up again!

During a normal sleep cycle you have periods where you are not as deeply asleep as at other times. Most people get themselves back off to sleep without any awareness of their sleep cycle. some people, however, do wake up properly and find it hard to get back to sleep. Not explaining it very well, but I think it happens with my dd (4 yrs old). She struggles to resettle herself.

Often I have to go into her room and help her resettle. I have said to her that if she is not tired, she can look at her story books, in bed, until it is time to get up. Sometimes she does that and then falls back to sleep again.

DS used to do this and we did take him back to bed (sometimes 100+ times a night). We went to a sleep clinic where we were advised:

• stairgate on our own door (so DS could go to toilet and alert us to genuine issues)
• a 3 year old can put themselves to bed - so don't keep taking him back
• The first time he gets up ascertain is something is genuinely wrong (and not an excuse/no particular reason). If nothing is, calmly say that it is bed time and he has to go back to bed.
• subsequently ignore and carry on ignoring.

The first night we did this, DS ended up sleeping on the landing, but he was sleeping through in his own bed within a week.

bean612 you have my sympathies - I don't have any advice to offer I'm afraid as am currently in the same boat, except with DC3 on the way in Sept! Three year old DD, every single sodding night .

Have been reading this thread with interest to see what is suggested...she now expects me to get in her bed with her, where I inevitably fall asleep.

I refuse to let her in our (double, can't afford to replace with larger) bed on the grounds that she isn't going to be able to do it when baby arrives, like the idea of letting her have her own sleeping space in our room but I know for a fact DS nearly 6 will try it on with this as well! stair gates on room doors have been climbed over, we did away with them before she was even 2 as she was launching herself off the top of them. The logical, firm, taking her back to bed approach leads to crying and screaming to the point of making herself sick, so pointless.

Have taken DD to doctors with DH at his insistence, as it was driving him nuts. We were told by the GP that it was pretty normal and we should just go with it, she would grow out of it eventually!

Do let me know if anything you try next works, I'm willing to give anything a go

In the same boat and my DS is 9!! It's a bloody nightmare and we have tried everything...........sick of it now but just dont know what the answer is. He goes to bed in his own bed ok, takes ages to drop off sometimes thought, and he wakes EVERY night wanting to come in with us. We let him because he will just cry and cry if we refuse (we stayed firm for 2 hours and he still kept going getting louder and louder) and sometimes at 3am I just wanna go back to bed!

Vicious circle! Will watch this with interest.

My DD was a terrible sleeper, it didn't really improve until she was about 7! I used to encourage her to "think of something nice" then one inspired evening I made up a little story about how she had her own ice cream van and would drive around all the nice places we had visited with her bears and toys, stopping whenever she wanted for an ice cream. From then on I encouraged her to think about this when she woke up and have an "adventure" in the ice cream van before she came in to us.

I don't know if it worked, or whether it was coincidental with her growing out of it.

I would do everything you can to check there are no external issues - bed, curtains, blackout blinds/linings, too warm/cold, snuggly pj's, bed bear, if there are blankets try a duvet and vice versa...

Talk to her endlessly about how mum and dad need their sleep, how you would like to go to the park/for a bike ride/play ball if only you weren't so tired. She might begin to understand. But none of that worked for us!

Some are just like it - although you may be lucky and she'll grow out of it quicker than ours did.

7, olgaga?? Betty - 9??? Dear lord, you're amazing, how are you not both dead? Oh dear, I'm a bit depressed now. I really wish I could just go with the whole co-sleeping thing, but (a) I simply can't sleep properly with her in our bed and (b) that would open up a whole world of trouble once (if) there is a baby in our bedroom waking up every few hours to feed...