to expect my 3YO to sleep through the night in her own bed?

[bean612]

She's been getting up virtually every single night for months now, sometimes multiple times (but even if it's just once I rarely get back to sleep for hours afterwards). I'm exhausted, DH is exhausted, SHE is exhausted - and when she's exhausted she is soooo grumpy, which of course just makes everything harder for everyone. What do I do???

My 3 year old daughter stays in bed all night because I bribe her with lollipops. If she gets up in the night I remind her that she won't get a lolly the next day. Awful and can't go on forever I know, but it works and she brushes her teeth afterwards. Old enough to understand, and loves lollies.

wont help your little girl but might make you laugh try "go the f*ck to sleep" by adam mansbach, i believe samual l jackson does a reading on you tube.

Never helped mine go to sleep but made me feel better and a little less alone

Bribery .... also I posted on this and I got some very helpful advice about sleep cycles and trying to break them. So I started messing round with her bedtime. 30 mins earlier, 30 mins later as the cuddles, bath , book routine was not working and the waking/ screaming was doing my head in , it got to the stage where we were getting 5 - 6 hrs of broken sleep as she would doze in my arms then wake 30 mins later.
It took about 14 days but it has worked for us.. We also gave her back her dummy , often I find it held in her hand sometimes in her mouth however it is only for 'bed' use and thank heavens she does sleep now. When she does wake she calls out , not screams and so far in the last 14 days she has finished up only once!
Bribery we did a star chart and as her elder sister got her 'prize' so she cottoned on and we have to get her her prize soon. - However it is a magical prize that will vanish if she goes back to old habbits.
GOOD LUCK - you have my deepest sympathy.

(a) I simply can't sleep properly with her in our bed and (b) that would open up a whole world of trouble once (if) there is a baby in our bedroom waking up every few hours to feed...

beans The trouble is, you aren't getting any sleep anyway! I did it so that I could get some sleep. If your DD can come into your bed and feel welcome it might help to relax and reassure her. If you can, and have the space, why not invest in a big 6' bed - especially if you are planning to have another. Could your DH go into another room? Not permanently, obviously, but mine had to occasionally if he had an early morning/lots of driving/long day ahead.

It seemed awful at the time but we were both at the end of our tether and I suspect a lot more people do this than ever let on. I found the whole "mine sleeps through the night" thing competitive and tedious, and I've met mums who had an easy time with their first child and think they'd cracked it, only to have an ongoing sleepless nightmare with their second, wondering why nothing seemed to work.

You have to bear in mind that children are as individual as adults are, and some will sleep better than others - no matter what you do! DD is now 11 and is still a light sleeper, dreams a lot, wakes often, needs a dim nightlight - but no longer bothers us unless she's ill.

Yes it was terrible sometimes, and I often felt like the walking dead. Thankfully those days are over, and now they're over, you do look back and realise that in terms of your own life span, it's only a short time.

I really feel for you though!

How is DD at getting to sleep in the evening?

We had similar issues with DD1, but she also reached a point where DH had to stay with her in her room until she fell asleep at bedtime. I was (and remain) convinced that the two are related. I think, as someone said, we go through phases in our sleep and that DD had forgotten how to put herself back to sleep.

So, instituted a two pronged attack.

1. a star chart for each night she slept through/went back to bed. Each star presented with great solemnity jusy before bedtime the following day. The plan was to get X and then get a prize, but fortunately DD1 was too little at the time to need that and just liked the stars!

1. DH started a gradual withdrawal at bedtime. So, the first night he left for 2 mins to "go to the loo", then came back till she was asleep. This built up to 4/5 mins. Then about 10 mins to "help mummy with dinner" ETC. It took a total of only 3 weeks to reach a point where he could say "I'm going now" and DD be fine. And, frankly, after 10 days he could leave with a promise that he'd come back, but she'd be asleep by the time he did.

Anyway. Worked (mostly) for us. Actually, haven't put stars on the chart for ages, although still congratulate her on "sleeping really well".

Good luck.

No solutions here, but wanted to offer some sympathies as my DS who is 3.5yrs is the same. Wakes up around 2-3am and wants somebody in his bed (bizzarely he doesn't really want to come to our bed, he likes his own bed, but wants somebody else there with him!). So DH goes and sleeps in his bed. They both sleep soundly together, so it's not a big problem for us. Also we have DD (20months) sleeping with us in our bed, so I get to stretch out with her when DH leaves the bed in the middle of the night!

Thanks all. Bribery has never really worked with her, she's not that responsive to it - she's more focused on what she wants at a specific moment than worried about what she might be losing out on a few hours/days down the line.

As for going to sleep - she does go to sleep on her own, after bedtime stories and or songs. She's usually so whacked she falls asleep almost immediately, so it's not as though she's used to us getting her to sleep at the start of the night (I know the theory is that if they can get to sleep on their own, then they can get back to sleep on their own. That's the theory )

Olgaga, I do appreciate what you're trying to say, and I'd be a lot more receptive to giving co-sleeping another go if we weren't thinking about baby no.2. I don't want to get into a situation where she is used to sleeping with us and is then kicked out and into her own room again when baby arrives - that would seem incredibly unfair and open up a whole world of trouble, I think. And yes, I know in theory we could all 4 sleep in the same room, but honestly, with baby waking up all night for feeds it would just mean we are all disturbed and not sleeping, especially if the (at this stage very hypothetical) baby is like DD was (and still is) - ie. cries a lot at night, won't settle easily, etc.

Another thought I've been having is about her bed, since basically this problem started when she transferred from her cot to a toddler bed about 7 months ago. Am I being bonkers to think that a different - bigger? cosier? - bed might make any difference? Obviously I don't want to start spending money if that's just a ludicrous, clutching-at-straws idea, but I'd be interested to know if that's made a difference for anyone else's DC?

Bean - my DS is the same. We have tried bribery and much as he wants the reward, he cant quite do it and the need to come in with us and feel secure is greater than his need for the gift...he wants to do it, he really does, but he cant quite seal the deal.

Not sure about the new bed TBH. DS old bedroom was the biggest bedroom in the house and had a massive bay window - he said that he was scared of the window so we moved bedrooms around (he not has the bedroom with the ensuite and walk in wardrobe which is still mine tho) but it didnt make any difference, he just finds something else to be scared off...he constantly moves the goal posts with what would make him feel better.

However, last night was the first night in a long long time he went to bed fine, was asleep by nine and stayed in his own bed all night. Let's see if we can do it again tonight fingers crossed...I wont hold my breath!

Good luck, let us know how you get on.

I'd let her come into your bed, even if she wriggles. It will save you a lot of trouble and nerves. She is probably nervous about the baby and needs reassurance.
A really big bed helps

Vess I'm not actually PG, far from it! Just thinking ahead. Too far ahead, perhaps.

Betty, that's brilliant! Long may it last... Last night here was 3.15am wake-up but back to bed without too much fuss until 7.15 am. That is a major result for us, too. But like you, I think holding my breath would result in pretty swift asphyxiation