AIBU to want to tell 'D' FIL to bugger off?

[KittieCat]

So I?d like an honest sanity check on the below. I am simply going to try to tell the bare facts rather than my interpretation of them, although I fear my opinions may be obvious.

We are having a naming day for DS. DH?s dad, stepmum and brother live four hours away and are coming up by train for the weekend (two nights).

My parents live an hour away by car. I have asked them to stay with us the night of the do I?d like dad to be able to have a drink to celebrate. They can?t get public transport home as it?s not easy and would probably take a few hours as there are no direct routes.

We only have a sofa bed which sleeps two people and no room for anything more. DH?s dad and stepmum have booked into a local hotel (nice option ? there was cheaper available) but DH?s dad has asked if DH?s brother (he?s an adult) can stay at ours (note that his dad asked, DH?s brother hasn?t been in touch). DH?s brother cannot afford to come up and has only ever visited us once in the past 13 years, so DH?s Dad is paying for his trip. Train fare is usually about £40 return and hotel bills on top.

We?ve said yes for the Friday but no for the Saturday as my parents are staying.

This has caused a big upset with DH and his Dad.

My parents do tonnes for us as they want to, and they are also able to (they have DS one day p/w so DH and I can both work part time, baby sitting, catering the naming day etc etc). I am very aware how lucky we are.

My parents don?t know about this issue as I know they?d say no worries and simply drive home BUT I don?t want them to as I know they?d prefer to stay. They consistently make life easier for DH and I, and this is their pfb GC?s naming day and, perhaps selfishly, I want them there to celebrate with us without worrying about getting home.

It?s easy to tell which side I?m coming from but the icing on the cake from DH?s Dad was him saying ?I don?t see why Kittie?s parents can?t stay in a hotel??

They could stay in a hotel BUT I?d feel very off asking them to. Unfortunately, DH and I can?t afford to pay for a hotel room to solve the problem (it?s about £100 per night) BUT a triple room for all of DH?s family is only £20 more for the one night, which we are happy to pay. They don?t want to do this though, and are talking about having to shell out for another room and they are not at all happy. To the point that DH's dad has really upset him.

So. . . AIBU by not telling my parents all of the above and sticking to my guns?

Cant he kip on the floor or do you have a one bedroom flat?

I think that you have already offered accommodation to your parents and it would be rude beyond measure to withdraw it for anyone, let alone someone you barely see and who hasn't even deigned to speak to you directly about it. And for the sake of £20, which you are even (kindly!) prepared to pay.

I also think it's unfair of your husband to want you to be so rude to your parents when there is a more reasonable alternative for his brother.

Tbh, I'd be saying look, these are the arrangements, we are not uninviting my parents in order to put up your son, if this means that he - or you - don't want to be part of the day, then that's sad and we'll miss you, but it will be your choice.

Actually, I'd stand over my husband with a rolling pin and make him say it

I can see your point and your folks shouldn't have to stay in a hotel, could there be some kind of compromise though, could his brother sleep on the sofa on the Sat?

Let him sleep on the floor.

Tell your BIL that you will sleep on the sofa and he can go into double bed with your husband. That should make him see sense!

YANBU, have you said to FIL what you've said here re seen him once in 13 years and it's not him asking?

Say no, you will not uninvite your DParents. If BIL wants to sleep on the floor (in a different room to your DM&Fs) then I'd say yes to that. If there are cheaper hotels near by, could he stay in one of them.

I think in situations like this, it's first come first served. Your parents asked first, so he will just have to lump it! If it was that important DFIL or DBIL should have been more organised!

We only have a one bed flat, which is big enough for us but not for more than two overnight guests in our double sofa bed at a time. So no other sofa etc.

There is literally no floor space for him to kip, apart from our dining room which you have to walk through to get to the bathroom in the night and is where we put our cats so they don't wake us and DS.

He could pitch a tent, I suppose. . .

Hecate thank you, my thoughts exactly. DH's dad is so adament that we are in the wrong that I just needed to check. DH doesn't want to be rude to my parents but he does feel he should help his brother and is a thouroughly nice chap so wants to help everyone. I, on the other hand. . .

I read the op as her parent's will already be on the sofa bed, presumably in the living room(that's where my sofa bed is!). I wouldn't want my son-in-law's brother kipping on the floor next to me if I were them.

OP - YANBU

Certainly don't think you should tell your parents as that would make them feel very uncomfortable. I also don't think your parents should have to go home if they'd rather stay, you wouldn't put someone who makes no effort ahead of them.

TBH I can see both sides to this. It sounds like DH's dad is making the attendance of BIL possible and at no small expense. He probably wants his boys to share the occasion, but can understand why he might not want to share his room - though that would be the simplest suggestion!

If BIL is really too strapped for cash to pay for his own hotel room then he isn't coming unless someone else picks up the tab - I can see why your FIL thinks you might want to share that load by getting the room while he gets the train fare, as it is your babies naming day.

However, I can also see that you wouldn't want to pay for the room for someone who makes no effort and you can't do that for all the guests so why him.

Maybe your FIL just hasn't looked at it from your POV - that your BIL is not an expense you welcome given he isn't seemingly arsed about being involved (no visits usually, no call from him) and the do is probably already costing you. have you explained that?

I think he is being quite unreasonable, you have offered a solution of paying for his triple room. However if he is totally unbending it would be a shame to ruin the day - can you call BIL and discuss issue? He is the problem, maybe he could be the solution, maybe he isn't fussed about coming, or maybe he could go in cheaper hotel?

You are willing to help him though - you are willing to pay the difference in hotel accommodation between your parents in law being there and them being there with your brother in law.

It's not even that you're saying tough shit, not my problem - you are offering a reasonable alternative and willing to pay for it.

You aren't being unreasonable.

Have you got any good friends/other relatives who would be prepared to put up your BIL for the 2nd night?

Your poor DH, caught in the middle!

You are not being unreasonable!

Stick to your guns (politely - no need to over elobarate or get narky).

Your parents sound wonderful btw.

haha. I've written all that but actually Justhecate said it better!

In perspective, what your father in law is actually asking, is that you kick your parents out so that his son can sleep over at yours. He is rude in the extreme!

Are you in a city? I can often find hostel beds (in shared rooms) for less than £20 in most largish cities, look somewhere like here. If BIL is relaxed about such things would he be prepared to stop in a hostel?

But absolutely don't uninvite your parents!

Yanbu

Might be easier if bil stays at home.

I wouldn't be paying towards a hotel for him, nor would I be going back on other arrangements.

YANBU - parents trump brothers and sisters imo.
I think you have offered a fair alternative in paying the difference in hotel accommodation. The fact that bil has not contacted you directly regarding accommodation for the event would also affect my decision. Could he travel up and back in one day?

Do you think that your parents would prefer to be in a hotel?

If so, suggest it.

YANBU. Your FIL sounds like a twat.

YABU. If you can't afford an extra £100 for a hotel room, why on earth is it reasonable to expact your BIL to pay it?

At least offer him to crash on your floor. Even perhaps your bedroom floor, since you're happy for him to share a room with his married parents, which is probably not an ideal arrangement for them. So why not with you? You are after all the hosts.

OK-back to the OP.

YANBU to leave things as they are & not tell your parents.

It´s entirely up to you who stays over at your house.

You have no room -it´s up to BIL to sort himself out or ILs to sort him out.

YANBU, stick to your guns. The guy has had 13 years of NOT visiting you, he can either NOT visit you again, or he could bunk in with his parents.

You have been more than fair.

Remember the time honoured MN phrase 'That doesn't work for us' repeat as necessary....

Thank you all very much for your responses.

I am glad in the extreme that I'm not being unreasonable. I will sit it out and heed the advice to repeat the MN mantra "that doesn't work for us." I will also remember that "no" is a sentence.

I'll also pass on the hostel info to DH to share.

aussiecita there isn't room for him on the floor in our room as we share it with DS and his cot. Not only that, but I doubt very much that he'd want to be woken up by DS and my getting out my norks for a bf in the early hours as sometimes happens!

Thanks again for making this visit to AIBU a good one.