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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to tell 'D' FIL to bugger off?

50 replies

KittieCat · 16/04/2012 13:51

So I?d like an honest sanity check on the below. I am simply going to try to tell the bare facts rather than my interpretation of them, although I fear my opinions may be obvious.

We are having a naming day for DS. DH?s dad, stepmum and brother live four hours away and are coming up by train for the weekend (two nights).

My parents live an hour away by car. I have asked them to stay with us the night of the do I?d like dad to be able to have a drink to celebrate. They can?t get public transport home as it?s not easy and would probably take a few hours as there are no direct routes.

We only have a sofa bed which sleeps two people and no room for anything more. DH?s dad and stepmum have booked into a local hotel (nice option ? there was cheaper available) but DH?s dad has asked if DH?s brother (he?s an adult) can stay at ours (note that his dad asked, DH?s brother hasn?t been in touch). DH?s brother cannot afford to come up and has only ever visited us once in the past 13 years, so DH?s Dad is paying for his trip. Train fare is usually about £40 return and hotel bills on top.

We?ve said yes for the Friday but no for the Saturday as my parents are staying.

This has caused a big upset with DH and his Dad.

My parents do tonnes for us as they want to, and they are also able to (they have DS one day p/w so DH and I can both work part time, baby sitting, catering the naming day etc etc). I am very aware how lucky we are.

My parents don?t know about this issue as I know they?d say no worries and simply drive home BUT I don?t want them to as I know they?d prefer to stay. They consistently make life easier for DH and I, and this is their pfb GC?s naming day and, perhaps selfishly, I want them there to celebrate with us without worrying about getting home.

It?s easy to tell which side I?m coming from but the icing on the cake from DH?s Dad was him saying ?I don?t see why Kittie?s parents can?t stay in a hotel??

They could stay in a hotel BUT I?d feel very off asking them to. Unfortunately, DH and I can?t afford to pay for a hotel room to solve the problem (it?s about £100 per night) BUT a triple room for all of DH?s family is only £20 more for the one night, which we are happy to pay. They don?t want to do this though, and are talking about having to shell out for another room and they are not at all happy. To the point that DH's dad has really upset him.

So. . . AIBU by not telling my parents all of the above and sticking to my guns?

OP posts:

elizaregina · 16/04/2012 15:56

I do feel for you - but it makes me feel better too !!!
I have massive probs with PIL and they cloud everything I have done with DH, but not in the future, I have decided enough is enough.

I do say have to say its usually the wife parents who seem to be given precedence though, its rare when its the woman who likes PIL more than own.....with a couple my friends its the wifes parents who get to stay and stuff. The husbands gets pushed out a bit.

with mine as i am aware of this i did try to make things equal but its never enough for my mIL unless she is totally dominating everything as a control freak.

we had an issue recently at a funeral, FIL offered to pay for us all to be one hotel, my idea of hell, so we stayed about 10 miles away in b and b.

FIL then tried to force us to give an uncle a lift. Usually of course no probs, but FIl hotel was actually far nearer to crematory than our b and b. He didn't want to pay for larger people carrier!!! We have toddler in tow too, and I wanted to get my hair done etc.....so we said no, he didn't accept that, and kept pushing and pushing and pushing.

I think we upset whole family by saying "no" but I am glad we stuck to our guns.

I would say no room at the inn, but happy to chip in for a youth hostel!

Families!!!

SlipperyNipple · 16/04/2012 17:41

Just as an alternative view. You are favouring your parents over your husbands. Did it ever occur to you to ask your husbands parents to stay at your flat and ask your parents to stay in a hotel? Then husbands parents would have free cash to spend on BIL.

At the moment PIL have to spend cash on train fare for three and hotel rooms for themselves. Your parents on the other hand just have to pay for petrol.

You are favouring your own parents because you want them there. I get the feeling from the OP that you don't like or are not very comfortable with your PIL.

I try and treat my mother and MIL equally when it comes to the grand children.

TidyDancer · 16/04/2012 18:00

OP isn't favouring her parents, it's just the arrangement that was made first. Though if you want to compare her parents to her BIL, who would you prioritise? The people who have extensive contact with you and your DC, or someone who has visited once in 13 years?

OP, you've been fair. Actually, you've been more than fair. You've offered BIL a bed for the Friday and you've offered to contribute towards the cost of his accomodation for the second night. You didn't have to do either.

Stick to your guns, you've done nothing wrong.

diddl · 16/04/2012 18:03

Well it seems that OP has asked her parents in return for the things they do.

But ILs do live too far away to be of much help.

I suppose I would ask those who were least able to afford accomodation.

mynewpassion · 16/04/2012 18:24

So you will be willing to pay a total of 40 for two nights for a suite with 2 bedrooms on top of what the ILs would be paying for a one bedroom, am I correct on that?

If that is the case, the ILs should accept. I just think the way everyone (ILs, DH, and the OP) went about this probably was not the most tactful and caused resentment. OP wants her parents. ILs feel pushed out. DH is upset that his parents and brother are being pushed out by OP.

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2012 18:32

It's not a suite with two bedrooms, mynewpassion - it's a triple room.

TidyDancer · 16/04/2012 18:34

"DH is upset that his parents and brother are being pushed out by OP."

Correct me if I'm wrong, OP, but I didn't get that impression at all. The way I read it, DH's dad has upset him (by laying it on thick, or by being rude, IDK as it sounds like he's done both), and he wants to help his brother but not at the expense of being rude to his ILs (which he would be doing if the invitation to stay was taken back).

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2012 18:37

I think you're right to have your mum and dad to stay at your house. They've done a lot for you and have put themselves out a lot for you, too, though I'm sure they don't see it like that.

Do you have a friend attending the naming ceremony who has a spare bed for the night?

Does your BIL really want to come anyway? If he didn't come to see you when you were childless and able to socialise with him, is he likely to want to come to a naming ceremony? Have you seen him at your in laws throughout the last 13 years?

mynewpassion · 16/04/2012 18:39

What's a triple room? a bedroom with a small living room space?

mynewpassion · 16/04/2012 18:40

I meant to say a bedroom with an outer small living room?

TidyDancer · 16/04/2012 18:41

It's a hotel room with space for three people to sleep in. Like a double room would be for two people, etc.

mynewpassion · 16/04/2012 18:45

So a room with three beds? I can see why the ILs would not want to do it. I mean if the OP doesn't want to her parents to share a room with BIL, how can she expect her ILs to share one with him?

Why don't ILs and her DH pay half at the local B and B/motel if its cheaper than the hotel that ILs are staying?

TidyDancer · 16/04/2012 18:52

Because they're his parents presumably, and it's only two nights. If he wants to go to a naming day of a child whose parents he's seen once in 13 years, I would think it was an okay arrangement tbh.

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2012 18:58

Well the ILs are related to the BIL, so that's why she felt that might be doable. Having said that, I'm not sure whether the step mum is BIL's mum or not.

A triple room would contain a double and a single bed.

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2012 18:59

What's wrong with the BIL paying for himself? He's a grown up - why does his dad or his brother have to pay for him?

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2012 19:00

In the end, it's easiest if the BIL doesn't go. He doesn't sound bothered anyway and there's no solution to the problem.

Montblanc · 16/04/2012 19:01

Agree imperial, any adult that expects their parents to sort their lives out doesn't deserve many favours IMO.

Original poster

KittieCat · 16/04/2012 19:02

slipperynipple PILs are always welcome to stay and, given the distance, they get priority. They would have been welcome to stay but they booked the hotel as they often do when they come up.

I would have felt differently had they asked to stay.

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 16/04/2012 19:06

Remind them of your offer to give 20 pounds to have a bigger room OR BIL could sleep in dining room WITH the cats and passing loo traffic. His choice.

Original poster

KittieCat · 16/04/2012 19:28

TidyDancer you're right. Certainly not my intention to push anyone out.

I know the triple room isn't ideal but BIL can stay with us on the first night so it would only be for one night. It is also a lot cheaper than a £100 per night room, which we simply can't afford at the moment. Given that he can't afford to pay for his own room it's a compromise.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 16/04/2012 19:38

You're been totally reasonable, OP. You've offered more of a compromise than you were obligated to. If BIL/PIL choose not to take you up on your kind offer, then that's their issue and their choice. You shouldn't have to bend over backwards to correct a problem you didn't cause.

PatronSaintOfDucks · 16/04/2012 20:11

OP, just give the poor guy a couple of blankets and find a corner on the floor for him to sleep. It's only for one night. Let him sleep with the cats. Nobody is going to die. To be honest, you are really blowing this out of proportion.

Original poster

KittieCat · 16/04/2012 20:11

Thanks again all for your time, perspectives and support.

Ain't Munsnet great.

OP posts:

mumofthreekids · 16/04/2012 20:43

I think the problem here may be that the OP is seeing giving her parents the sofa bed as a "reward" for all the help her parents give her. But it may be that the ILs would love to help out more if they lived closer, so they see the contact that the parents have with the OP and their GC as a "reward" in itself, and this as another bonus on top of that. So they are feeling very second rate and that the OP always puts her own parents first.

Not necessarily saying you should change the plans as I agree that the BIL sounds like a pain, but just trying to give another perspective on this.

ivykaty44 · 16/04/2012 20:46

there is a website called sofa surfing- would that be any use to the borther for cheap accomodation for the night - sorryto post without reading all the thread just trying to be of help

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