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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Attending relatives 80th birthday party

31 replies

WhyAlwaysBoris · 16/04/2012 12:37

Dh and i just invited to his relatives 80th birthday party in Scotland in a few weeks. We just lost our first child at 20 weeks in the PG, so we are naturally a bit fragile. Handwritten on the bottom of the invite is "i know about your current cirucmstances but it is my 80th!! so come anyway".
I have massively taken offence and am refusing to go, my DH thinks we should. AIBU??

OP posts:
BonkeyMollocks · 16/04/2012 12:39

I am actually with you on this.
It seems very insensitive and selfish.
I would just tell them that you are just not up to it at the moment for obvious reasons and leave it at that.

Sorry for you loss, I hope you are all ok!

Mrsrobertduvall · 16/04/2012 12:44

Maybe they just want you there even though you're obviously feeling sad.....I think they've just been a bit clumsy with their wording.

Sorry to hear your news.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 16/04/2012 12:46

We recently received an "invitation" to attend FIL birthday meal where we were told "not attending is not an option". We did not attend.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 16/04/2012 12:46

OP YANBU. Huge sympathies at this very sad time.

Anomaly · 16/04/2012 12:50

Sorry to hear about your loss.

YANBU they seem to think that their turning 80 is so important that it is more important than your current situation. It would have been better if instead they had acknowledged you're not exactly feeling like partying but that they would still love to see you.

Send your DH on his own if he still wants to go and you can manage without him.

Original poster
WhyAlwaysBoris · 16/04/2012 13:06

thanks for the support everyone, to be honest i do think they probably just worded it really badly, but still feels a bit pressurised to go...

I'm worried about my DH go on his own, he's a grown up and can cope of course, but we always try to put on a united front about things and i don't want to let him down when he's feeling just as miserable as me. Then again if it was one of my relatives and i said i didn't want us to go he'd be happy to avoid it, i'm sure.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 16/04/2012 13:09

Sorry to hear of your loss, but I'm with MrsRobertDuvall. It reads to me as if they are wanting to acknowledge your sad loss but didn't quite know what to write, and the way they've worded it has come over a bit wrong. I'd far rather someone acknowledged a loss, than not, (because they were worrying about the wording). It's up to you if you go or not, but I think you shouldn't take offence about the wording, take it in the spirit it was written.

StealthPolarBear · 16/04/2012 13:09

I do think this was meant kindly but very badly worded. Although..."it is my 80th" comes across as very selfish.
Do what suits you. Sorry for your loss, that must have been extremely hard :(

ENormaSnob · 16/04/2012 13:12

I would be massively offended and upset tbh.

Yeah dick head, your 80th is so much more important than what's going on in my life Hmm

habbibu · 16/04/2012 13:17

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our first baby in 2005, and what I remember really clearly from this time is just utter rage and fury at anything and everything. fwiw, I think that the invitation is tactless at best, but at this stage it isn't really relevant whether other people think you're being unreasonable - you feel the way you feel, you're both in horrible pain and you don't have to be completely balanced and rational right now.

I went to a wedding about 2 months after we lost dd1. Coped, but with a fair amount of crying in toilets, I have to say, and we left early.

If it's any consolation, dd1 would have been 7 this year, and although I still miss her, I've made my peace with her loss. It helps that I now have her wee brother and sister to keep me company!

Spuddybean · 16/04/2012 13:17

I am so sorry for your loss.

I suppose this depends on what the inviter is like usually - if they are well meaning and a bit clumsy at expressing themselves then i may try to take it in a kind but badly worded way. If, however, they usually re self absorbed twats then i wouldn't go and i'd tell them why.

I hope you are feeling better soon..

Scholes34 · 16/04/2012 13:18

I'm sure they didn't mean to offend, so don't be offended. Perhaps it could be an opportunity to have a mini-break on the way there or back.

porcamiseria · 16/04/2012 13:23

Oh bless your heart OP. I think they are from a different generatoin, so dont take offence

that said, if you dont want to, dont go

xxxxxxx

porcamiseria · 16/04/2012 13:24

and lovely to see what habbibu wrote

you WILL move on, but rght now the searing grief must be, gosh Sad

Original poster
WhyAlwaysBoris · 16/04/2012 13:24

habbibu sorry to hear about your dd1, and you are right, a LOT of things do make me angry at the moment..thank you for telling me about your ds and dd2.

spuddybean i think you are right, to be honest i have only met this person once before at my wedding, where she generally caused chaos by swapping all the namecards on the tables around before the meal so that they didn't agree with the seating chart as she wanted to sit with different people, if it was one of my friends i'd probably have taken the wording better...

i think the replies have made me see that i'm really using the wording as a way to get out of going, which makes me think i probably should go after all

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 16/04/2012 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/04/2012 13:29

It's badly worded, but I would try not to take it as personally offensive. It does sound like she just wanted to acknowledge that you would be in a bad place but was still very much hoping you would come to the party.

Spuddybean · 16/04/2012 13:29

oh dear then OP it sounds like she only see's her own needs above others and probably not the best person to be around at the moment.

If you aren't ready then don't go. Treat yourself to something else, actually nice, to do instead. My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

DeWe · 16/04/2012 13:36

I'm sorry for your loss.

I would just take it as her meaning that as it's 80th she doesn't have a party every year, the next one (if there is a next one) would be in 10 years time. It sounds poorly worded, but I don't take it as self absorbed.

I think if I'd been in your aunt's position I would have really worried about whether to invite you (and upset you by seeming to be being frivolous) or not invite you (and potentially hurt you). I'd have probably done similar: written something on the invite to indicate that we understood if you didn't come, but we'd love to see you, trying not to put you under pressure either way. I'd have also probably worded it wrongly too, as I'm not very good at thinking of the right thing to say.

Go if you want to, stay at home if you don't. I don't expect she'll mind much either way.

Spuddybean · 16/04/2012 13:42

Dewe have i missed the bit where OP said it was her aunt? i thought it was a relative of her DH who she only met once, when she was a selfish pain at her wedding.

allotmenteer · 16/04/2012 13:58

So sorry for the loss that you and your DH have suffered OP.

DeWe is spot on. Clumsily put maybe but the acknowledgement of the difficult time you are going through was there. Be gentle on yourselves - only go if you want and feel able to.

We lost DGS recently and it is only when it happens to you and those close to you that you understand the importance of words and how they are actually used.

Riddzy · 16/04/2012 14:03

((Hugs OP))

I would be really offended too. The "...but it's my birthday"! sounds like something a child would say.

In time you can let it go but if I were you I'd politely decline and go off somewhere, just the two of you.

EldritchCleavage · 16/04/2012 14:07

I'm so sorry, WAB.
What habibu said. And also, is it a good idea to go and see someone who is clearly tactless and possibly (thinking about the namecard thing) a bit self-absorbed? Because if she decides to deal with this topic during your visit it might be really awful for you both.

LydiaWickham · 16/04/2012 14:10

You know what, it's ok for you to be selfish right now. If you don't want to go, don't. There will be a room full of people, they'll say hello to you and spend a few minutes talking you, then it'll be on to the next person. Saying you're not up to travelling right now would be a good way out of it.

Send a gorgeous card and gift. Get your DH to call them and wish happy birthday.

Mummy2FE · 17/04/2012 09:10

I think maybe Aunt wanted to acknowledge your loss- her intention being good, however went about it in an inappropriate way in terms of wording and doing this via an invitation. I do think that the intention however was possibly well meaning. Somebody made the point earlier about the generation thing and that is valid too.

You should not feel pressure to go to the 80th however OP. At this time it is completely acceptable for you to do only what you are comfortable with and who you are comfortable with.

So sorry to hear about your loss. Look after yourself.

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