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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to date a man because

64 replies

bucketbetty · 15/04/2012 16:49

he can't spell very well, he uses the word 'hun' and he's recently lost his job? I don't want to be a snob, but bad spelling is usually enough to put me off. I'm trying to keep an open mind but it doesn't feel right to bother with a date if they don't fit my most basic criteria. My problem is, I've been single forever and friends keep telling me I'm too fussy. I don't think I am. What do you worldly folk think?

OP posts:

Fireandashes · 15/04/2012 17:37

Unemployed - is he trying to find a job? Anyone can lose a job, especially in this climate; it would be his attitude to dealing with that which would be more important to me.

Spelling - my husband can't spell for toffee (we were advised a few years ago - several years after we'd married - while he was being treated for bipolar disorder that he is most likely an undiagnosed dyslexic). Doesn't stop me treasuring every love letter and thoughtful note he has ever sent me. Just means I offer to proof-read anything important before he sends it.

But that's me. I'm not dating your potential new guy. You are. Only you know what the dealbreakers in a relationship are for you.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 15/04/2012 17:38

Bad spelling used to annoy the shit out of me until I realised some people can spell (me, usually) and others cannot (DH, almost always).

DH's grammar is crap, too, innit? I am halfway through a Masters in Education and Dh has a few crap GCSEs. It used to trouble me a bit, but it was all put into perspective when talking about having kids one day, and he said that he hoped our DC had my brains and his way of thinking . A very workable balance.

If it won't work for you now then it never will. As for the unemployed bit, it depends on why - is he a lazy fuck or has he had bad luck?

JustHecate · 15/04/2012 17:39

poor spelling wouldn't bother me that much. Dreadful grammar would be more of a problem than poor spelling. Someone who said "I were going down the chippy" or "we was sat on the bus" THAT would bother me. I couldn't be with someone with such a poor grasp of the language. I'm sorry, I know that sounds awful, but what's the point of contributing to a thread and lying?

losing a job - that deserves nothing but sympathy. It can happen to anyone and doesn't mean anything (in itself. Of course, if you got sacked because you were flashing at groups of nuns from your workvan, then I wouldn't want to know you)

"hun" would be a dealbreaker. "hun" would get me strapping myself into my chastity belt and swallowing the key.

Shriekable · 15/04/2012 17:43

Sounds like one of my exes. Everything in me was screaming 'no!!!' but I had been single for over 2 years so thought I would give it a chance. I was a bit embarrassed when he met my friends because he came across like an idiot. He wasn't one, he was pretty intelligent, he had just never bothered with qualifications or training. I thought I could help him, but he didn't want helping - he was happy doing whatever work he could find, spending whatever he earned in the pub or the bookies. If you are having doubts I would advise you to steer clear.

catgirl1976 · 15/04/2012 18:08

Spelling wouldn't bother me. The job loss wouldn't bother me (although the attitude with which he dealt with it would) but the "hun" thing would be an issue.

TBH - If you really like someone I think you are blind to their faults. If you have only just met this guy and can reel off several of his and be bothered by them, I don't think there is a spark, do you?

Hippychickster · 15/04/2012 23:25

There are a few things that would be absolute deal breakers for me. They are:

Smoking
No sense of humour
Earns a lot less than me
No chemistry

Maybe unreasonable, but defo the smoking thing would put me off

tiggyhat · 15/04/2012 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

M0naLisa · 15/04/2012 23:30

My DH started calling me babe with in weeks and i didnt mind it, even when we were just shag buddies.
DH cant spell for shit but he is brilliant at proof reading :)

Doesnt matter if they can spell or not, my DH is out of work at the moment due to crappy agency positions that lie when he starts with them. Dont judge someone by their career and spelling. Its personality that matters.

FreudianSlipper · 15/04/2012 23:51

i have never met a man who uses the word hun

yes that woudl be off putting for me. i was really into this guy i was seeing until i saw him put his knife into his mouth, we were in a restaurant too. i finished with him the next day (still had sex that night)

biggest turn off for me is calling themselves a cheeky chap or even worse cheeky chappie

AnyFucker · 15/04/2012 23:54

hun ?

run like the fucking wind

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2012 00:06

Agreed. Hun is just fucking ridiculous. I could tell you a dozen other things about that man (none of which I'd like) just based on that one word.

lisad123 · 16/04/2012 00:07

Glad my husband wasn't so shallow

doctordwt · 16/04/2012 00:14

'Luvs ya hun c ya tmrw @ 8'

'U 2 visigoth cant wait 2 c ya 2'

...you could theoretically reply.

doctordwt · 16/04/2012 00:17

Boyhoo, what a nice gesture from that guy on the dating site.

That's the spirit - standing shoulder to shoulder with one's dating comrades.

tartanchatterbox · 16/04/2012 00:40

hey, I married an engineer who spelled brilliantly. I am a teacher so can't help correcting grammar etc. but we ended up separating. 13 years on I am dating a lovely guy who loves me and my four children. We are moving in together in May. He says "me" instead of "my" ALL the time - "me hat, me coat", but i just accept it as who he is and get over it. He is worth it!

daffydowndilly · 16/04/2012 07:37

I think spelling aside, calling me "hun" would be enough to turn me off. Obviously I am a snob, or old...

AutumnSummers · 16/04/2012 07:44

You sound very high maintainence. It would probably be better for him if you rejected him. No-one wants someone shoving job ads or dictionaries in their faces every two minutes and you sound like the type that wouldn't give the man 5 minutes peace til he'd passed a spelling test and job interview. What if he (or any man you chose) lost a new job or lost a job down the line?

Seriously, best let the guy move on.

Megatron · 16/04/2012 07:54

Move on, you clearly don't fancy him at all.

If you did you would just ask him not to call you 'hun', the fact he's recently lost his job would only may you have sympathy for him (assuming he's looking for another one) and you wouldn't care about his spelling.

DH is a surgeon and can barely spell him own name.

It's good to know what you want in a relationship but perhaps it may be better to let this man find someone who would not be put off by his spelling.

Rinkan · 16/04/2012 08:21

I think that a person's attitude to the importance of spelling is an indicator of character- not good or bad character, but it shows what they care about in life- you clearly care and so should hold out for someone who shares your values. Though if you are compatible in other respects e.g. Health and fitness, politics, religion, favourite TV, level of curiosity about the world etc then maybe it's surmountable. FWIW I had a great ex who was as much of a spelling and grammar pedant as I am but in the end we couldn't really get past his vegetarianism..

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 16/04/2012 08:55

The spelling would bother me, because it's something that I'm particularly funny about. I wouldn't mind if he said things like "we was going" in casual conversation, as long as he could get it right in a formal context; different registers for different audiences, and all that. "Hun" would get right on my tits, but an ex called me "Babe," which I felt I should mind, but didn't.

The unemployment; as someone upthread said, it would depend on his attitude to it. My DP was unemployed when I started going out with him, he'd recently been made redundant and was working very hard on finding a new job, which he got. If he'd been unemployed for years and didn't want to work, I would have taken a different view.

Everyone's dealbreakers are different, and there are lots and lots of men out there. If this one doesn't make you feel that you really want to see him again, you don't have to!

Spuddybean · 16/04/2012 09:05

You can't fancy him that much if it bothers you. Let him find someone who is nicer likes him more.

2 out of the 3 long term DP's I have had are dyslexic, terrible spellers, extremely clever, funny and entertaining. I love getting txts and emails from them with random words and having to decipher what they mean.

DP has 3 masters and is working on his phd, he is a guest lecturer at uni's - i proof read his cv on Sat and apparently he is a guest lacquerer! We both laughed when i said 'wow on top of all this you can do french polishing too'.

Spelling isn't important in a relationship, but being able to love someone without nitpicking is.

BusinessTrills · 16/04/2012 09:05

I recently told my brother than if he was thinking of doing online dating he should probably try to write "you" rather than "u".

BusinessTrills · 16/04/2012 09:06

Anyone can be temporarily unemployed - have you paid any attention to the job market at the moment? How they react to it woul be very important to me though.

Original poster

bucketbetty · 16/04/2012 19:00

Spuddy, thanks for telling me I'm not very nice. That's really made my day!

OP posts:

AnEcumenicalMatter · 16/04/2012 19:26

My DP was unemployed when we got together, having just jacked in studying for his MSc half way through the course when he decided that it bored him and he didn't want to do it anymore. He also can't spell for shite.

However, he has an amazing brain for maths and science. And, having arsed around for a few months, enrolled in an MSc in a different subject, flew through it with the greatest of ease and walked into a very well paid job with excellent prospects where he has earned several promotions and is highly regarded as an expert in his field.

'Hun' would have been a dealbreaker though

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