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AIBU?

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Original poster

To strongly dislike one of my DP female friends?

32 replies

bluetea · 15/04/2012 15:22

Before I met my new partner, he was married and had lots of shared friends with his wife. Once divorced, they have both remained friends with the friends, although they dont see them at the same time. I have met most of his friends and get on well with lots of them. However there is this one couple who I just cannot get on with. The wife of this friendship is best friends with my partners ex wife. On the few occasions that we have met, she has told me that she is best friends with the ex. I said, oh, thats nice! Im not too sure exactly what it is that she expects me to say!! She really grates on me. She is not welcoming, friendly or nice to me in any way. It really annoys my DP that I dont get on with her, even though he knows how she treats me and what she has said. He doesnt want to rock the boat, as they are the head of the group of friends. We have a few social outing coming up soon and they will be there. I always feel left out. She intimidates me. My DP can see how much she upsets me, but he says that I have to let it go and get over it, move on. I really cant stand her, and dont want to go where she is, but he does. I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 15/04/2012 15:25

He sounds like an arse tbh. He expects you to put yourself in a highly uncomfortable position with a woman who seems like an utter cow because of his social standing with these people?

ivanapoo · 15/04/2012 15:29

She doesn't have to like you.

You don't have to like her.

Don't be intimidated by this woman - you have just as much right to be there. She's not worth your thoughts or efforts. Focus on the people who will be there that you DO like.

AutumnSummers · 15/04/2012 15:30

Head of the group of friends? Head? What the Jeff? sounds a bit like your fella's playing follow the leader here. Tell him to get a grip.

Original poster
bluetea · 15/04/2012 15:33

thank you for your replies. Ivanapoo, you are so right. Should I just smile, be polite and move on to another person in the group? This might show my DP that I am not being rude, but it may show her that i have no time for her. The thing is, everyone loves her........

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/04/2012 15:35

'Head of the group of friends' made me chuckle Grin

It really annoys my DP that I dont get on with her, even though he knows how she treats me and what she has said

What has she said?

AutumnSummers · 15/04/2012 15:36

Blue that's a good idea. Don't waste your energy with this woman.

jennifer86 · 15/04/2012 15:37

YANBU to not get on with her. From the sounds of it, she is good friends with his ex-wife so it's understandable it would be difficult for both of you to get on. Maybe she thinks that if she was more friendly towards you she would be betraying her friend, in some way? And you don't have to be friends with everyone, it is ok for there to be some people you don't like!

What you should do about it, though, is more difficult. Do they always socialise as a group? Or would you be able to socialise with a few of his friends without her there every time? It would be awful if you ended up never seeing any of his friends as a result of this, and that could put a big strain on your relationship. So you probably need to come up with some sort of compromise, or maybe get to know one of the other friends a bit better... Then if you arrange to go to a social event with the group then you can focus on that person being there and getting to socialise with them, rather than worrying about how you are going to manage / be civil with this woman. If the group is a reasonable size then you should be able to spend more time with other people rather than her without it becoming awkward or noticable to others in the group.

HTH

ivanapoo · 15/04/2012 15:38

Yeah I would probably kill her with (fake) kindness... As soon as you see her there go up and be all "Oh HI xxxx, SO good to see you again, hope you're well?" and then trot off to speak to other nicer/better people before she can answer.

YouOldSlag · 15/04/2012 15:38

Sounds as if she has decided not to like you out of lolyalty to your DP's ex, which is not your fault and very unfair on you.

Give her a wide berth. Your DP can get as het up as he likes, but it's up to you who you like and don't like, not up to him.

I bet if you got hold of your ex's best mate and insisted your DP be friends with him, he might see sense! (hypothetical).

Seriously, your DP is being unreasonable and unsupportive.

manicbmc · 15/04/2012 15:40

I don't get why she would be disloyal to the ex wife by being nice? It doesn't sound like the OP was the reason for the break up.

AutumnSummers · 15/04/2012 15:41

And it doesn't matter how everyone else feels about her either. You might feel under pressure to get on with her but there's really no need to do anything other than the obligotary pleasantries when the group first meets up.

Megatron · 15/04/2012 15:41

'The head of the group of friends' eh? Is it a gang or something?

Tell your DP to man up and support you or frankly, he needs a kick up the arse. Then when the opportunity arises tell this woman that you did not split her friend and your DP up and that although you don't expect her to 'like' you just because you are with your DP, you do expect her to show you some civility.

Original poster
bluetea · 15/04/2012 15:42

She has said things like, ' don't expect us to get on, I am 's best friend after all.' When she found out that I am pregnant with his child, she said to me, 'how do you think 's going to feel?' 'make sure that you tell her about the baby.'
She says that I have to take the ex's views and feelings into account. WHY???!!!

OP posts:
manicbmc · 15/04/2012 15:45

Surely that info would be up to her ex to pass on? She sounds like some power crazed hag to me.

AutumnSummers · 15/04/2012 15:45

???

I'd reply "well she's YOUR friend so how she feels about it is YOUR friend's problem."

Definately, DEFINATELY, keep her at arms length. Why is your DH so submissive to this woman? Obviously it's her perceived position as head of a gang. he needs to man up and stand as an individual. Does he seriously expect you to respect him if all he does is cower before his cronies?

Original poster
bluetea · 15/04/2012 15:47

Wow, thank you all for your replies. I am new on here, and it is so nice to know that there are people out there who i can talk to. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluetea · 15/04/2012 15:52

I think the reason that he is so submissive is because she tends to control who is invited to certain functions, as they all seem to happen at her house! he doesnt want to loose this group of friends, even though I assure him that we wont, sooner or later, I think she will end up hanging herself with her own rope! It has been noted from another couple how she treats me, and how they eel it is unfair. We have been invited to a wedding overseas, it is her brother in laws wedding, and the ex will be there and obviously so will she be. this will be the first time that i meet the ex. It will be especially difficult with both of them there together. The other friend has already made it clear that he is worried that it may well be the 2 girls on one side, with me and my DP on the other. the friend doesnt want that to happen.

OP posts:
Angelico · 15/04/2012 15:52

I am Shock that she said this to you and your DP has said nothing. He sounds pathetic. Try and socialise with a few people at a time without her. Get to know others in the group so you can ignore her apart from basic civilities.

And tell your DP to grow a pair - she needs challenged if she speaks to you like this again. "How do you think **'s going to feel?" Cheeky bitch! I'd be saying, "I don't know, it's not really my problem, is it? It's something I'm sure DP might like to discuss with her."

She sounds like a classic playground bully.

Garliccheesechips · 15/04/2012 15:53

ROFL at head of group of friends.

Seriously OP, you don't need anyone's approval.

Angelico · 15/04/2012 15:55

And trust me, people like this quite often get hoisted by their own petard. There's nothing to stop you inviting the nice couple round on their own to get to know them, just resist temptation to badmouth the woman. Don't be afraid to invite 'the gang' to your place or arrange a few nights out. The real sheep might stay away if queen bee doesn't come but the nice peeps (ie the ones sick of her being a control freak) will come along and they will probably be the ones who will become your friends.

forehead · 15/04/2012 16:02

I think that your dp is the problem. What a wimp. He is prepared to allow a 'friend' to intimidate his partner. Where is the loyalty to you?

Original poster
bluetea · 15/04/2012 16:09

You are so right about my DP. I think i need to challenge him about the situation and why he feels that he has to pander to her. I want him to stand up for me. To be on my side.

OP posts:
Megatron · 15/04/2012 16:11

He needs to be on your side. I had a bit of this when I met DH but ironically his ex wife and I got on fine (and are really good friends now) but a mutual friend of theirs was awful. Stand your ground. You are his partner now, you are having a baby with him. She needs to piss off.

AutumnSummers · 15/04/2012 16:19

Let us know what he says. his replies will show you his level of respect for you and what position YOU are in his weird little heirarchy.

Original poster
bluetea · 15/04/2012 16:41

I will try and broach the subject with him tonight. It will be very interesting now to see what his response is, as you say, not I have other perspectives on the situation. For ages, I have thought that it was me being unreasonable, but hearing other views on it, it has made me realise that i am not.

OP posts:
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