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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit fearful about DS playing in the woods?

31 replies

ChickenSkin · 14/04/2012 22:39

DS has made a new friend through mutual school friends. He doesn't go to his primary school but IS going to the same secondary school in September. They're 11 years old.

Since DS met this lad they have been going off on their bikes to a particular park near the other boys' house. Near the park is a field with horses and beyond that, a wooded area and a train line.

I'm not sure why I'm frightened but I am. They can't get on the trainline and I would hope he would be sensible enough not to try (I've told him horror stories of people getting trapped/electrocuted/hit by trains and have also warned him that CCTV covers ALL trainlines and he is at an age where he can be arrested for trespassing) so I don't think he would dare go on the lines. So why am I so fearful? I used to play in the same wooded area when I was younger than him, often on my own. It has little streams, little wooden bridges - the kind of stuff you'd expect to see in a horror film

He went out at 9.30am and didn't come back until 7pm (I kept in constant contact via text message). When he came back he told me he'd played in the park with his friend, been BMXing, fed the horses (big clumps of grass, nothing else), played in the forest, built a dam, been to chippy courtesy of the other boys mum - and when he got in he fell asleep on the sofa!

I'm torn between been pleased he's living a "proper little lad's life" and been frightened something will happen to him

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 22:52

I don't blame you on both counts. It's lovely he's living that kind of life but I would want to see him more regularly than that. Do you know this boy? Do you know he's sensible and trustworthy?

kittyandthefontanelles · 14/04/2012 22:52

It sounds idyllic and terrifying at the same time

OldGreyWiffleTest · 14/04/2012 22:53

There comes a time in every mother's life when she has to take a deep breath.............and let them have some freedom. Although 9.30 to 7pm is rather a long time. Set a rule that he must come back for lunch.

serin · 14/04/2012 22:55

OH God, Chicken skin, I share your agony. I also have 11yr old DS and the exact scenario you have painted.

I want him to be free but I (well both of us) worry so much. Much of it is feulled by memories of my own childhood when I seriously used to play chicken on the main Euston to Glasgow railway line I think DS is a lot more safety concious than I was but then my mother had no idea what we were up to either!

I cant wait for the day he is old enough to join cadets as scouts is just not enough for him. Mind you he brought me home a lovely photo of a blackbirds nest with 4 eggs in today.

overmydeadbody · 14/04/2012 22:56

I feel your pain, it is hard isn't it?

I would say have him come home for lunch at least, to touch base.

I have just started letting DS go to the local park to meet his friends on his own, but only let him go for an hour at a time, then he has to report back home. If he was gone longer than this I would panic tbh, it really is hard isn't it!

Hassled · 14/04/2012 22:56

Idyllic and terrifying is exactly right. I remember spending hours and hours playing in a wood with a stream with my friend at that age (we had a whole imaginary country thing going on) - it's given me memories I still retain. And it gave me resilience and confidence and all the rest - I think you have to just thank whoever invented texting and let him go have fun.

Original poster

ChickenSkin · 14/04/2012 22:59

This is what I mean, I'm torn. Up until recently he's spent pretty much every hour of his spare time on his xbox in his darkened bedroom. Now he's out all day, comes home caked in mud with stories of horses and foxes and dams and I think THATS the stuff he'll look back on and remember about his childhood.

But at the same time I'm thinking woods/train lines - all that's missing is a headline news - and I HATE thinking like that. I really do.

OP posts:

doormat · 14/04/2012 22:59

chickenskin i feel exactly the same but as oldgrey says there comes a time when a mum has to hold her breath and let him go..as long as you explain the dangers etc and have contact through mobile etc, my ds is 11 also and only comes back when he is hungry or needs a no2 lol...twice this week i have had to go walking the streets after dark as he is only allowed on the front after dark...he is now in at 7pm as he was warned lol x

DowagersHump · 14/04/2012 23:00

When I was 10 I used to go out all day with my sister on our bikes - my mum would make us packed lunches. We would play in the woods and the fields.

Why are we so scared of letting our children do that kind of thing now?

I'm not having a go at you, OP, I seriously don't know if I'd be comfortable in your shoes either but am wondering what's changed.

serin · 14/04/2012 23:01

Mine takes the dog with him. The dog has sense

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 14/04/2012 23:02

DS is only 8mo, but I already worry/get excited about things like this!

I would love to think that he'll be out, properly playing/exploring/adventuring etc, but am a panicker and would probably spend all day thinking of random excuses to go to the woods

"oh, what I really need right now is a twig"

"that sunshine is nice, maybe I'll go take a photo of a tree"

As a compromise, I think the poster who said to insist he comes home for lunch and elevenses, three o'clocks and tea is very wise.

Original poster

ChickenSkin · 14/04/2012 23:03

I wonder that too Dowag, why does it seem different now? The very same woods he's playing in is where I used to go as a 10 year old girl exploring on my own. Nobody batted an eyelid. I love seeing him muddy and exhausted when he comes in but a small part of me wants to say "you know what DS, here's a new xbox game, go upstairs and play on it and I'll know you're safe" Of course I never would. I want him to be happy and be out in the fresh air exploring and socialising. I just wish I could attach a permanent CCTV camera to him lol

OP posts:

Bluebell99 · 14/04/2012 23:03

I really wouldn't be happy for my children to be out for that length of time but I admit to being quite protective overprotective and fortunately for me my kids are still home bodies. However I would want my child home for lunch and certainly not out till 7. My nephew was flashed at over the common when playing out when he was about 11. First my sister heard about it was when he was really late home and was at the police station giving an interview! He was a couple of hours late before the police rang her!

Original poster

ChickenSkin · 14/04/2012 23:06

That's frightening BlueBell

I'm going to compromise and tell him he needs to come home at 1pm. See another thing is that the park is quite a distance from our house. It takes him about 15 minutes to get there on bike.

OP posts:

TeaTeaLotsOfTea · 14/04/2012 23:06

He's got his phone he can ring you in an emergency.

we have the same set up here except the train line is in the opposite direction of the woods but it is a single line that you can cross with about 2 trains a day.

There's loads of fields woods playing field canal river etc. luckily enough with it being a small village DS see's at least 1 person he knows. Usually the parent of a child from school.

I let him go, he only has to come back if its really raining, he has his phone and if he's hungry he'll come home. Usually he's starving when he gets in.

serin · 14/04/2012 23:07

Thats it chicken skin! Invent a spy camera that can be attached to them! we could tell them its a head torch!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 14/04/2012 23:12

I've got a 12yo and I had the same sort of worry.He went off to the park but the boys he was with were ones I knew and they were quite sensible (as far as 11 yo boys can be )

He's got his phone. Make sure it's charged, on, credit topped up and he keeps it safe.
TBH the novelty will wane off after a while.He'll be back to school. Then he'll have the next lot of holidays for Whitsun.

At least he's off his X-Box for a while.

And you're given him a chance to get savvy before he starts Secondary.

overmydeadbody · 14/04/2012 23:13

15 minutes by bike! That's, like, over a mile away, I hope I am as brave as you when DS is 11.

I am rather embarrassed to admit this, but last week I asked DP what he knew about trackers and if there was some sort of tracking device we could insert into attach to DS so we could see where he was via our laptops at all times. DP just looked at me like so I shut up. I would secretly still want a tracking device on him though

zippy539 · 14/04/2012 23:15

Another one here that feels your pain OP. We've just moved from the middle of the city to a small village and DS(10) and DD (8) are spending every day out on their bikes with local kids - roaming the streets, park and the houses/gardens of random kids who I couldn't put a face to never mind a name. This is exactly the idyllic scenario I imagined before we moved but at the same time it SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

What has changed between when I was a kid (and used to spend all day out) and now? For me it's the increase in traffic (which kind of equates to your train fear?). I'm (only just) dealing with it by making sure the dcs have a mobile phone between them so I can plague them with 'check-in' texts and insisting that they're home for lunch so I can start the afternoon knowing that they're alive.

I hate myself for worrying but at the same time I'm genuinely delighted that they are having some real freedom. I suspect that all we can do is put the safe-guards in place (as you have) and suck it up. :)

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 15/04/2012 01:03

It doesn't get easier. That's not what you wanted to hear.

My DS phoned me on his way home, I was walking back with DD.
He was mucking about with a mate (different school uniform).
I could hear a woman's voice saying "Are you okay, is he bullying you?"
and my DS saying "Yes, I'm ok thanks, I'm phoning my mum."

You could imagine what I was thinking, hearing that. I didn't know who my DS was with. They met up in the park, by chance.

But I'm glad the lady asked him. He might not have been OK.

But they have to bite the bullet and get independant.

TheSockPuppet · 15/04/2012 01:27

dowag, maybe the reason is that now the media has advanced and is now far more accessible to a point where it is difficult to escape, we hear about so many more incidents involving children that we may not have heard about before and that causes parents to be more anxious?

HalfPastWine · 15/04/2012 03:27

Have him carry one of these in his pocket. At least you'll know which vicinity he's in!

tracker

Ozziegirly · 15/04/2012 05:13

The only thing that has changed since we were children, is that we're the grown ups now. I used to play out and had the idyllic country childhood but years later my mum told me that she would worry about me all the time but didn't want to curb the fun.

MrFunnytheEasterBunny · 15/04/2012 09:12

I don't think it gets any easier, when I went to uni, my mum used to text me on my brick of a phone and panic when I didn't reply because I was too lazy to carry my phone on a night out and in fact even now, when I go to visit my parents, she worries if I don't ring her when I get home, and I am 30 this year!!!

Mums are just born to worry, we just have to accept it and deal with it somehow. Not looking forward to my 4yo getting bigger and wanting to go out to play

amillionyears · 15/04/2012 09:20

One thing I would add to the op, it can be a bit safer in numbers.Though they do all have to meet up and separate afterwards. My boys used to be in the woods with several friends.

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