I think my boyfiend has a better relationship with my daughter than he does with me!

[baloohoo]

Well, I've known for a while that they adore each other-me and him have been together 10 years since DD was 5. I know i should be thrilled they have always loved each other. She's now a pretty gangly teenager who adores him and they share music interests (go to a see a lot of bands together, share downloads and stuff) plus she sings and writes songs and he's been hugely supportive in getting her venues to play at as well as taking her to festivals. Basically they can see no wrong in each other which would be fine except they can see a lot wrong in me! I'm basically knackered and run ragged most of the time trying to write up a nightmare PhD, work and take care of the household. BF works abroad a lot so the latter falls to me- I have tried getting them involved with disasterous results. I am pretty tired most of the time and quite stressed about the academic work and deadlines I have to meet but the BF's cuddles don't seem to extend to me and if DD pushes her teenage Diva buttons , the BF caves in and manages to undermine me at the same time.
I'm angry and frustrated. neither of them see my point of view and gang up on me by using 'we think' at the start of every sentence which usually ends in ..."you are being [crap]" basically. I am really depressed about this now, my self esteem is in my boots and I view my DD and BF frankly as a pair of complete tyrants to whom i feel enslaved. The main thing which is bugging me though is that this feels completely dysfunctional! Am I being unreasonable do you think?

There are two separate things getting muddled here. It is great that DD and BF get on. It is not great that neither of them help out or show you any affection. You need to address this. Do you think you and BF have a decent relationship without including DD in the equation?

There was a similar thread a while ago.

this article was linked which I found interesting.

Please tell me I am reading this wrong? Your boyfriend will cuddle your 15 year old daughter but won't cuddle you?

i'm so old fashioned.
i wouldn't have had any man living in my house with my daughter. any man who touched her (and i mean any kind of touch, 'cuddle' or not) would have been the first to feel the boiling kettle, the carving knife, the hot iron...
you've got a nice little relationship going on in your house. shame you're not in it.

Am I reading the same thread, he's known her since she was 5 years old?

he should keep his hands off her. if he wants to have hands.

Are you sure your daughter doesnt have a crush on your DP? And he shouldnt be encouraging it, by ganging up on you they are creating a united front against you giving your daughter all the power in your relationship.

I am very suspicious of his motives also.

Please tell me I am reading this wrong? Your boyfriend will cuddle your 15 year old daughter but won't cuddle you?

His name is Humbert?

Sorry but my friends just adopted a two year old. Should the DH 'keep his hands off her' because he is not her bio dad? Because this man has presumably been in loco parentis for TEN YEARS. If the OP is worried about child sexual abuse, she should say, or ask MN to close this thread down.

For the record, I hug/cuddle about ten children who are not my own. They are cousins, friends children and so on. I didn't realise I must be a pedophile.

if she isn't worried about abuse, she should be. she is reporting some very worrying signs.

Mrs TP I totally understand and agree with what you are saying. I'm afraid though, the way the OP is written sounds very creepy to me. She makes it sound as if the two are giggly teenagers in love and ganging up against authority. It was the part about her being stressed but her partner's cuddles not extending far enough that chilled me. Of course it isn't necessarily so that he's an abuser just because he isn't the biological father but the opposite also applies. It doesn't mean he's not just because he helped bring her up. Parents can be abusers, we know this.

There are two lots of creepy posts here. The OP who certainly is either worried or is trying to make us worried.
The other is Lovebunny, who seems to think any touch is sexual. Does that extend to a hand shake? Or the hugs I get from DH's gay friend?

This is a weird thread!

You wouldn't let any man live in the house with your daughter love bunny? Really? That paranoia must be a killer.

What mummytime said

It sounds a bit worrying to me. Not sure, but gut instinct is that YANBU.

Lovebunny you would pour boiling water on any man that cuddled your daughter?

no Bambino81 - the daughter is worth more to me than men

Ditto what mummytime said.

Doesn't make my alarm bells ring although it's sad the OP feels left out. Perhaps you should go to the gigs and festivals with them.

I think it is very, very worrying, OP. Can you come back and talk a bit more about it?

if her birth dad was touching her, and not her mum, that would be a worry, too. get real you people. this stuff happens.

alarm bells are ringing loud and clear to me!

OP your DD may be a 'teen diva' at times, but if she is intelligent and creative enough to write her own songs, she is also smart and empathetic enough to understand when she is really hurting someone she loves.

I think you need to have a talk with her about how she treats you. Most children have a 'good cop' and a 'bad cop' parent IMO but that doesn't mean you treat the 'bad cop' like crap, even if you share fewer interests with them or see them as the disciplinarian.

But you also really need to talk to your DP. Have you tried? I mean alone, not with her there?

Lovebunny, what the f are you on about?

So a dad can't cuddle his child? You are very strange.