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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think my boyfiend has a better relationship with my daughter than he does with me!

49 replies

baloohoo · 14/04/2012 21:04

Well, I've known for a while that they adore each other-me and him have been together 10 years since DD was 5. I know i should be thrilled they have always loved each other. She's now a pretty gangly teenager who adores him and they share music interests (go to a see a lot of bands together, share downloads and stuff) plus she sings and writes songs and he's been hugely supportive in getting her venues to play at as well as taking her to festivals. Basically they can see no wrong in each other which would be fine except they can see a lot wrong in me! I'm basically knackered and run ragged most of the time trying to write up a nightmare PhD, work and take care of the household. BF works abroad a lot so the latter falls to me- I have tried getting them involved with disasterous results. I am pretty tired most of the time and quite stressed about the academic work and deadlines I have to meet but the BF's cuddles don't seem to extend to me and if DD pushes her teenage Diva buttons , the BF caves in and manages to undermine me at the same time.
I'm angry and frustrated. neither of them see my point of view and gang up on me by using 'we think' at the start of every sentence which usually ends in ..."you are being [crap]" basically. I am really depressed about this now, my self esteem is in my boots and I view my DD and BF frankly as a pair of complete tyrants to whom i feel enslaved. The main thing which is bugging me though is that this feels completely dysfunctional! Am I being unreasonable do you think?

OP posts:

oopsi · 14/04/2012 22:06

Mrs TP - the way a man can behave with a non-related 2 yo is completely different to what is appropriate with a 15 yo

knowwhenyouhavebeenbeaten · 14/04/2012 22:06

Is there a relationship between you and BF or do you think it has had its day? Its nice that they are close but not to the exclusion of you. Do you think there is anything untoward going on or not?

thebestisyettocome · 14/04/2012 22:07

Where does it say the girl is being 'touched?'

knowwhenyouhavebeenbeaten · 14/04/2012 22:07

From what your op says i am not feeling you thing there is anything dodgy about there relationship, am I right?

knowwhenyouhavebeenbeaten · 14/04/2012 22:09

Ok just read that you feel its totally dysfunctional. Can you expand on this.

Hassled · 14/04/2012 22:11

So you have a BF who is taking the piss (and isn't BF an odd turn of phrase after 10 years together? Isn't he your partner at this stage?) and a DD who is being a fairly typical 15 year old. It's complicated by the fact they have a lot in common, but I don't think that's actually the root of your issues.

Talk to your BF. Tell him how you feel. Tell him his options are to support you or to fuck off, but not to remain and undermine you. You need to regain a bit of control here. And deal with your DD separately - lots of counting to ten, zero tolerance for the really crap stuff - it will be easier when BF has got the message, so work on that first.

Jinsei · 14/04/2012 22:12

There is nothing in the OP that suggests abuse to me though it does all sound a bit dysfunctional if they are ganging up on her.

kittyandthefontanelles · 14/04/2012 22:13

It's not that the dad/ stepdad cuddles the girl. It's that he does that and doesn't cuddle his girlfriend. He seems to invest most of his time and energy in the daughter. The OP feels its dysfunctional, I agree. It makes me feel uneasy.

beeny · 14/04/2012 22:17

Sorry i do know a lot about child abusers in my job description your description of their relationship does not sound right.

DinahMoHum · 14/04/2012 22:19

i think you need to build a better relationship with your daughter and your partner needs to pay you more attention. Why cant you go to the festivals and gigs too?

DinahMoHum · 14/04/2012 22:20

i dont think it sounds dodgy or abusive or risky to the child, but i dont think its a very good relationship for the OP

thebestisyettocome · 14/04/2012 22:24

Beeny.
It's a heck of a thing to say you 'know' about 'child abusers' because of your 'job description ' then infer the OP's dd is being abused given the very limited information the OP has provided.

knowwhenyouhavebeenbeaten · 14/04/2012 22:27

you always get posters who are experts on child abuse on threads like this. How can you possibley tell from the very limited details given.

WhiteTrash · 14/04/2012 22:28

What hassled said.

I think its a bit odd that anyone would suggest cuddling as sexual.

I clearly remember the last time my dad cuddled me, I was 9. Id have loved for him to cuddle me when I was 10,11,12 etc but he never did (NOT because it would be paed emergancy though).

He may not be her bio dad but is acting as her dad.

You definitely need a word in you partners shell like ear, if that was mine and dared undermine me and make me feel shit (btw 'we feel....' etc? Fuck THAT.) He'd be pulling my boot out his arse.

wimblehorse · 14/04/2012 22:31

This thread is odd.
OP's partner has been in her DD's life since she was 5. If he was her bio dad would there be so many responses?
Sorry OP no good advice for you, save to say ignore the paedo implications if you had no concerns over this.

McFluffster · 14/04/2012 22:31

I'm not getting "abuse" from the op but it does sound unfair on you.

I'd be thrilled to bits that the two of them have such a close relationship and not let it impact on problems you two might be having with your own. You have to see them as two completely separate relationships or you will start seeing your daughter almost as competition which is very dysfunctional and probably the vibe other people are getting from your post.

defineme · 14/04/2012 22:34

I see lots of parents with teen kids at gigs and festivals. Often different parents do the things that interest them with the child. I hope my dh doesn't stop hugging dd just because she becomes a teenager. All fine and lovely.

However, showing you no support physically or emotionally is horrid and that needs voicing. As is ganging up on you with the 'we think...' that's a deal breaker for me-disrespectful and vile behaviour.

I know 1 child (I assume you have no other dc?) where the child and parent gang up on the other parent-I find it deeply disturbing, it doesn't allow the child to be a child and it's pathetically immature of the parent to need the child's support in their relationship with their partner.

Do you see a future with this man, is there a good side?

Jinsei · 14/04/2012 22:39

Poor OP, has probably been frightened off by all the "experts" insisting that her dd is being abused.

serin · 14/04/2012 22:44

YANBU, you need to sit them both down and calmly tell them how upset you feel and how you expect things to change.

Proudnscary · 14/04/2012 22:47

I think 'poor OP' was fully aware of how the title and post would be construed

MrMiyagi · 14/04/2012 22:50

Yip, and a man is now accused of paedophilia by "e-experts".

festi · 14/04/2012 22:59

what is your job beeney ? I would find it very difficult to believe any qualified professional with experience of working with either surviovours of abuse or perpertartors would make such a judgment on so limited info.

oopsi · 17/04/2012 09:16

Beeney just said that the relationship SOUNDS wrong.

porcamiseria · 17/04/2012 09:31

what a hard situation. sounds to me like you need to ASSERT yourself big time

WRT you daughter, this is more fixable as obv she is a teen and being a "diva! just dont take any shit from her, and tell her you do not appreciate being ganged up on .

WRT to your partner. time to have a stright conversation. be very brave, sit him down. "do you want to be with me, or are you only with me because of the home/family" be calm, non confrontational but straight. you deserve to be in a loving relationship. If he has gone off it, well then you need to know.

the main thing is for you to realise that (yanbu) and that you deseve a happy home and dont get derailed, you are in your rghts to address this

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