Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go behind my ex's back

36 replies

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 14/04/2012 19:50

and arrange contact between our DCs and his soon to be exW?

She's a nice woman, she's known the DCs for over 10 years, they love her and she loves them. Ex doesn't want her to have contact because he's a petty vindictive twat apparently she's not 'proper family'.

OP posts:
oohlordylordy · 14/04/2012 19:54

I think that is fantastic.

Given your children are still children, and she has been part of their lives for 10years Plus, I'd say that makes her a big part of their lives.

Kids can always use people who love them.

doormat · 14/04/2012 19:55

YANBU... tell your ex to shut it

VodkaJelly · 14/04/2012 19:55

If the children want to meet up with her then you are not being unreasonable. Cutting her off from them is just spiteful when there is a loving relationship already in place.

DartsAgain · 14/04/2012 19:56

If this is a person who can enrich your DCs lives, then go for it. What can he do to stop this anyway?

mynewpassion · 14/04/2012 19:56

You should not get involve in a divorce situation. You could be jeopardize their relationship with their father as this is more important

gordyslovesheep · 14/04/2012 19:57

if she has known them 10 years they are more than old enough to decide for themselves - tell him to cock off - she sounds lovely as do you x

TidyDancer · 14/04/2012 19:57

I would definitely do it if I thought it was good for the DCs (and it sounds like it would be).

If you want to look at it this way, it's nothing to do with your ex who you are friends with, and if those friends have contact with your DCs....well that's for you to decide. Grin

topsyturner · 14/04/2012 19:59

It is totally between you and her .
If you feel it will enrich the lives of all children involved then blardy well go for it , and sod the nob !

Birdsgottafly · 14/04/2012 19:59

If you are sure that the children will not be dragged into their problems, then the children sound of an age were they should have a say over who they regard as family.

It depends on the details of the split and whether this will affect the children's relationship with any other relatives on his side.

BasilFoulEggs · 14/04/2012 20:00

actually he's emotionally abusive to try and cut her out of their lives if they've got a strong relationship with her. I'd ignore him. he can't just expect his dc's to switch on and off their feelings about people according to his convenience.

AgentZigzag · 14/04/2012 20:01

The question is whether it's his decision to take.

Does he have a say over who his children have contact with?

Would you expect a say over who he let them see?

I'm leaning towards it not having anything to do with him, but could it be that just as he's playing games using his children to hurt his ex-wife, you going behind his back might be a step too far intervening in their relationship regardless of what kind of a person he is to you.

You're probably just thinking of your childrens feelings, but it's so complicated that it's about more than just that.

LineRunner · 14/04/2012 20:02

mynewpassion Sat 14-Apr-12 19:56:40
You should not get involve in a divorce situation. You could be jeopardize their relationship with their father as this is more important

I think the children's best interests are being considered here very maturely by the OP.

JustHecate · 14/04/2012 20:02

I think you are wonderful. There is no reason to cut someone who loves your children out of their lives. Be blowed to your ex. Your children deserve to be surrounded by people who love them.

Original poster
SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 14/04/2012 20:04

They do want to see her VodkaJelly, very much so.

dartsagain, he can't do anything to stop it per se, but he has been pretty vile to the DCs when they've asked to go see their step-mum, at least, that's what the DCs have said.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 14/04/2012 20:06

Just to add, If and when he gets a new girlfriend then he will have a say over the children seeing her.

I think the children should have a say over whether they would like to keep in touch with a woman who was effectively in their lives for ten very important years.

HandMadeTail · 14/04/2012 20:06

Re the post from mynewpassion, it's really up to her if she wants to see them.

Let her know you are happy to arrange something, then the ball is in her court. As far as their divorce is concerned, it's none of your business, but no one can say its not hers.

Original poster
SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 14/04/2012 20:06

The DCs are 15 and 13, I should probably have mentioned that in the OP.

OP posts:
Original poster
SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 14/04/2012 20:07

''I think the children should have a say over whether they would like to keep in touch with a woman who was effectively in their lives for ten very important years.''

That's the view I'm taking LineRunner, especially at the ages that they are.

OP posts:
BasilFoulEggs · 14/04/2012 20:09

oh they are well old enough to decide

AgentZigzag · 14/04/2012 20:10

When she was younger DD1 saw someone she wasn't supposed to have contact with behind mine and DHs back.

The guilt she felt afterwards because she knew she wasn't supposed to see this person was huge. It was another trusted adult who let her see the person, and this created a conflict of not wanting to go against them or us, she was stuck in the middle.

I was fucking furious not happy with either of the people involved for putting DD in this position through no fault of her own.

A lot of the posters are saying you should ignore your DH, but like it or not, this will affect how the children feel and not always for the best.

Original poster
SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 14/04/2012 20:12

''Does he have a say over who his children have contact with? ''

Only when they're in his care

''Would you expect a say over who he let them see?''

No, when they're in his care they're his responsibility.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 14/04/2012 20:12

That is lovely.
Yanbu.

Snakeonaplane · 14/04/2012 20:14

YANBU if it's in your children's best interest then why not.

LineRunner · 14/04/2012 20:18

I think at 15 and 13, there is no need for subterfuge. Just a simple, 'Sorry, this is the way it is.'

I don't especially admire like my ExH's latest batty girlfriend, but there's nothing I can do about it and at least I know that she exists, and is seeing my (similarly aged) DCs once a month. When/if they break up, I won't stop the DCs seeing her if they would like to do that. Not my call.

ivykaty44 · 14/04/2012 20:18

I wouldn't keep it a secret who your dc see or don't see.

How lovely that your dc have a step mum that cares for them regardless and wants to see them even after her break up with twat features

Swipe left for the next trending thread