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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go behind my ex's back

36 replies

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 14/04/2012 19:50

and arrange contact between our DCs and his soon to be exW?

She's a nice woman, she's known the DCs for over 10 years, they love her and she loves them. Ex doesn't want her to have contact because he's a petty vindictive twat apparently she's not 'proper family'.

OP posts:

twoistwiceasfun · 14/04/2012 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LydiaWickham · 14/04/2012 20:25

I wouldn't keep it a secret - I'd tell him it's happening and he can stop caring about her if he wants, but he has no right to tell other people who they care about, his DCs like her and want her to be part of their lives. If he is less grown up than his teenage DCs then that's his problem, not yours, not the DCs and not the Ex-Ws.

Original poster

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 14/04/2012 20:36

''I wouldn't keep it a secret - I'd tell him it's happening and he can stop caring about her if he wants, but he has no right to tell other people who they care about, his DCs like her and want her to be part of their lives. If he is less grown up than his teenage DCs then that's his problem, not yours, not the DCs and not the Ex-Ws.''

Yeah, I agree with this. My biggest concern is his habit of taking things out on the kids, not by being physically abusive, but by being unpleasant to them and making their visits to him highly uncomfortable. I'm going to take a view that if he behaves in such a way that makes the children not want to see him, that's his problem, not mine.

The DCs are old enough to have a say in who they see, I have no reason to stop them seeing their step-mum. She's not an alcoholic, drug addict, mad axe-murderer. Also, I actually like her, as I said before, she's a nice woman and she's been wonderful to the DCs.

OP posts:

VodkaJelly · 14/04/2012 20:46

You know, this is really refreshing to read, step children who love their step mum and their mum helping to keep the contact. I think you are fantastic SmellsLike, and I wish there was more of this.

oohlordylordy · 14/04/2012 20:49

Agree with VodkaJelly.

LydiaWickham · 14/04/2012 20:54

The DCs are old enough to have a say in who they see, so if he starts treating them like shit, they'll stop wanting to see him. You might need to spell that out to him too - court orders and feet stamping don't work when you're dealing with teenagers.

Original poster

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 14/04/2012 21:10

thanks vodkajelly

OP posts:

knockedupagain · 14/04/2012 21:11

I would keep it a secret. They're old enough to have no problems with keeping quiet about it (since when do teenagers tell their parents everything?).

"I'm going to take a view that if he behaves in such a way that makes the children not want to see him, that's his problem, not mine."

I think it is your children's problem if they end up not having a relationship with their dad. If he'd going to be upset and take it out on them, then it's best to avoid that by simply not telling him. As you know, divorce causes a lot of bitterness, especially in the early days. Parents feel vulnerable, and feel they have to fight to be the winner of their children's affections. But there are often only losers, with the kids worst off. How upsetting for him to fear they may choose a step-mum's side over his. Perhaps when things are not new and raw he will be fine about them seeing her. I'm not saying he isn't a twat - though he appears to have great taste in women, choosing those who care about his kids!

I think you should do what you can to protect their relationship with their dad - so many kids don't see their dad within two years of a divorce. Try not to badmouth him and explain to the kids that he is most likely feeling very vulnerable and scared of them not loving him anymore. And keep quiet about the stepmum visits.

Isaidhangonamin · 14/04/2012 21:55

I wonder if the children would feel caught in the middle and suffer due to the good intentions of the adults around them. DH and I are step-parents to each others DC's and the DC's have their 'other' families too. Right and wrong decisions for their well-being are not always black and white and long term views of the outcome of decisions made have to be weighed very, very carefully. Do not rush a decision. This is my experience. I wish you all well.

hairytale · 14/04/2012 22:12

Yanbu. I think it's lovely. I still have a lovely relationship with my dsd (from a marriage that has now ended).

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 14/04/2012 22:20

There are quite a few posters on here who have good relationships with their ex-step-parents, more so than their actual parents in some cases.

They are old enough to decide for themselves and he will only shoot himself in the foot if he acts himself up about it.

I bet they can't even really remember a time she wasn't in their lives - he's being spectacularly cruel to even suggest they should stop seeing her.

At least their Mum & step-mum have their best interests at heart.

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