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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about his ex?????

55 replies

jessieexeter · 14/04/2012 18:06

DHs ex has always wanted more money - now has asked for money for her when DHs 2 kids go off to uni 2012 and 2013???

what's the feeling out there??

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 14/04/2012 20:07

Find out what the legal situation is (I thought it was 18, not 19), but once they are adults (over 18) and have left home, it's normal that any support money is paid directly to the DCs and if they stay at home for uni then what arrangements they make for rent for their Mum is between them and their Mum, not your DH's business.

The only person I know who's dad paid maintenance to the mum not the DCs once they were at uni was because the agreement the parents had was that he'd pay until his DC left full time education, no age end date, but the mum handed over every penny, I understand those agreements are rare these days (annoyingly it meant he couldn't take a year out).

Are you concerned the money won't all go to the DCs?

DPrince · 14/04/2012 20:09

Thanks for that. I see, from sept she doesn't get a say for the older one and from sept next year she doesn't get a say in the younger. Its up to him. Unless she has a valid reason like she has paid for accommodation in advance, then I could kind of see her pov.

RandomMess · 14/04/2012 20:11

Isn't it 19 and in further eductation, if they are in higher education (ie uni) it isn't payable. So I think it's payable until they start at uni OR leave sixth form and decide not to continue with their education (unless they have a summer birthday of course!)

OptimisticPessimist · 14/04/2012 20:28

I think it's 19 to cover those with birthdays early in the school year - for example a child with a September birthday would turn 18 at the start of Year 13 and if the cut off was 18 then for pretty much the whole of Y13 their RP would get no child benefit, tax credits or maintenance for them, despite them still being of school age. The cut off is "19 and in further education" for all child-related benefits I believe.

YANBU though, once they start university any support you want to give should be paid directly to them.

LydiaWickham · 14/04/2012 20:31

Actually, even if the accomodation has to be paid in advance, the bill doesn't come to her, it comes to the DC, so if the OP's DSC needs to pay for their accomodation in advance, then her DH could give that money directly to their DC - there is no reason at all for the mother to be involved any more.

sarahtigh · 14/04/2012 20:37

it is 19 as some students would be 18 say in october but not taking a levels till following june, so maintenance would then be paid to resident parent until end of school year ie about 25th july, he is then no longer in FT education at school

if young for year ie 18 on 29th august so 17 when sat a levels and just 18 when goes to uni payments stop then, the upto 19 is to make sure it covers all year 13 ( upper sixth)

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 20:53

All expenses for a child don't finish when the child's at university, though. My ex pays support until both children finish full time education - as he should. We both wanted them to go to university and knew that they wouldn't be able to manage on the loan available, so it's only fair that he continues to pay just as I do.

OddBoots · 14/04/2012 21:01

Maybe you could arrange something like 70% direct and 30% to her to cover holidays but that would be a decision you make, I don't think there is anything legal to say you need to pay her anything once they have left school unless there is already a court agreement.

Cabrinha · 14/04/2012 21:09

Need more info really. Does she not trust the children with it? Or is it because she'll still be paying to house / heat / feed them during holidays? University isn't leaving home for many - it's more like going to boarding school! She still needs to maintain their home.

chocolatebuttin22 · 14/04/2012 21:19

I would pay the money straight to DC, no reason for the ex to have the money. DC will be living full time at university and will spend christmass, easter and the summer holidays at home. Not many students get half term off.
DC will most likely benefit from the extra money although it most likely get blown on nights out and shopping :)

lovebunny · 14/04/2012 21:21

no money for her.

chocolatebuttin22 · 14/04/2012 21:28

Cabrinha If a mother cant house/feed/heat her children for the holidays then thats shocking. there is nothing to maintain whilst DC are at university, unless shes charging for the dusting of cobwebs!!

HappySeven · 14/04/2012 21:31

I'm kind of with Cabrinha. Uni is only 30 weeks a year which leaves 22 when they will still be living at home. Assuming she helps them at Uni too why shouldn't their father pay towards their living costs (food) during holidays?

chocolatebuttin22 · 14/04/2012 21:39

I think what DF wants to do is up to him. I dont think the ex should be demanding money. If she had DC's best interests in mind then I would agree with Cabrinha, but seems as if the ex wants a new pair of shoes and matching handbag!!!

RandomMess · 14/04/2012 21:40

There is no responsibility for either parents to fund their dc through uni at all - not fees, not accommodation, not holidays etc etc

If their dad wants to contribute to their education he can with £ or a bed in his home during the hols, so can their mum if she chooses too.

I don't not think it is any longer the previous NRP to contribute to the previous resident parent because the children are adults!!!!

niceguy2 · 14/04/2012 21:43

Given the kids are adults, the simplest solution is to just put some money directly into their account on a regular basis.

If they are at uni then they will deffo need the money and as a caring dad he should realise he can't just wash his hands of his responsibilities even if legally he's under no obligation.

As for the ex, she can go suck eggs.

AnitaBlake · 14/04/2012 21:52

No-one paid my expenses when I was at Uni, I'm paying off the loans even now, 13years after I graduated. My dads maintenance for me stopped on my 19th birthday, as did my mums child benefit and other benefits for me. I'd moved out some months earlier.

I think its for each parent to decide if and how much they contribute to a childs higher education. I worked my way through Uni, and even now, that's certainly not unrealistic.

There's nothing (I assume) stopping the DSC from staying with their dad during holidays? Or at their own accomadatiion, a lot of non-halls student tenancies are for the whole year, not part of the year, so staying in the town they are studying at is a realisitic prospect.

clopper · 14/04/2012 21:53

My ex pays a small amount direct tothe kids as they are at uni. When home in the longer holidays they usually go back to their old part time jobs and they contribute a small weekly amount towards food if they do sufficient hours. It is quite expensive having 2 adults back in the house again and they often like to have specific foods. I would not expect any money for myself, but we have shared the costs of university accommodation deposits and so on equally. I would hope that he will continue to support them financially if they need it at certain points in their lives, perhaps paying towards weddings or house deposits as I will if I can.

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 21:54

RandomMess, it depends on the deal when you get divorced. In my case it was agreed that payments would continue until university was over.

And for those who say students don't get half term - they get reading weeks.

Also, Random, when a student applies for finance, his/her parents' income is taken into account. Although there's no legal obligation, there is a moral obligation given that the student's grant is based on parental income.

It depends on the relationship between the parents. For me, despite what happened to cause the divorce, it was vital to keep enough good feeling and trust so that both were supporting the children until they had a degree.

RandomMess · 14/04/2012 21:59

If a parent refuses to support a child despite the fact they should that can be taken into consideration.

I agree there is a moral obligation to support your children if you are able to do so but I do not agree that maintenance should be paid to an ex to provide a room for children if you are able and willing to offer them one in your own home.

Sadly I don't think we will be able to financially support our children at all through uni beyond offering them a room and hopefully food!

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 22:10

It's not taken into consideration, though. Students fill in the form and state their family income. Their family has to produce evidence, ie P60s. If they don't, then no grant is allowed.

If you don't give your children some money, they will have to work. If they do that, I'd advise them to look a week or so before the first term starts, as a lot are looking from the first day. Or, preferably, get a job in Asda or Tesco, who have an agreement whereby students can work at home during holidays and in their university town during term time. It's about time more employers did this.

chocolatebuttin22 · 14/04/2012 22:32

It all comes down too what your DH wants to do. He dosent have to support his children through university, but if he does want to then that his choice not the ex's.
She is not entilted to any finacial support from your DH. She's remarried has he own DH to support her.

sashh · 15/04/2012 07:33

she's remarried -and no money worries!!

So does that stop your DH being a father?

blondiep14 · 15/04/2012 07:40

Same as Elk.
When we went to Uni my DF paid us an allowance straight to us.
We paid my DM 'rent' etc when we were home.

CrunchyFrog · 15/04/2012 08:25

Who's paying the fees?

Accommodation?

Travel?