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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get so irritated by my parents?

46 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 14/04/2012 17:52

Just spent last couple of days with my parents and feeling wound up and sad that I find them so annoying. Mainly petty things like my Dad's food obsession/greediness (eats too much and talks about food constantly), laziness, & bad table manners and my Mum's oversensitivity and ridiculous over-planning of any situation. But also it's the way they ask questions then don't listen to answers, talk over each other/everyone else and ask the same questions because they weren't listening the first time. All of these traits are getting worse as they get older (they are 68 and 72). Aarghh bp rising as I write this Angry.

I can't blame it on a bad childhood as I think mine was fairly normal - usual tensions I guess, fairly standard stuff. I have never been very close to them, and we're a fairly reserved and not hugely tactile family but nothing I can blame for this intolerance I feel. I can't say I ever really enjoy their company as they just drive me mad, how sad is that when they reaching the end of their lives and I am 40. I am not like this with anyone else and would describe myself as fairly kind and empathetic with other people, warm and loving to my own children - so I am not a monster. I enjoy tiny moments of time spent with them but mainly in recollection rather than at the time. Each visit begins with good intentions on my part to be kind and patient with them, but I spend most of the time wishing it away/burning with irritation, followed by guilt. My sister and brother feel the same as me, so are we all intolerant and cruel? I wish I could find a way to be more forgiving of what are mainly petty irritations Sad .

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 14/04/2012 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spidermanspiderman · 14/04/2012 17:59

And they will only get worse as they get older - aagghhh!

Sparkletastic · 14/04/2012 18:00

Goodness all the traits you describe are exactly those of my ILs! I think these issues are amplified as family gathering revolve around meals often. I can put up with mine more easily either in my home or out somewhere. I also drink heavily when ILs about Wink

Hebiegebies · 14/04/2012 18:01

About to start an almost identical thread! DM arrived a few hours ago and so far has
Finished my sentances
Parroted any responses I've given dd about her questions during the Grand National
Got worked up at the news
Angry that the Grand National going to sky next year (she has sky)
Not worn her hearing aid and asked for most things to be repeated, including bits of the TV I had to talk through while answering her last "what did they say?"

Only together til Wednesday.... Watch the news for a family fatality in the south!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/04/2012 18:08

You may well love your family but you don't have to like them! Grin

TBH, I don't see why you have to feel guilty - I assume you don't spend the entire time scowling, yelling and making their lives miserable? It sounds as if they just wind you up, they're not particularly awful, just irritating?

I bet when you were a child there were times they felt irritated by you - now maybe it's your turn.

Also, can you have some Wine? Wink

Original poster
hoopyloopy2 · 14/04/2012 18:24

Thanks all, relieved it's not just me and drinking is definitely already employed as coping strategy. LRD I think the guilt is also a selfish premonition of how I will feel when they are gone - know I will wish I had tried harder with them. And also horror of making my own DCs feeling this way later on. Envious of people who have a genuinely uncomplicated, loving relationship with their parents. How do you do it?

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/04/2012 18:42

Oh, I do know what you mean. My lovely granny was also - God bless her - one of the world's most irritating people. I did do a lot of biting my tongue mixed with a fair amount of 'goodness! I've forgotten the sugar/cake in the oven/way to the bathroom, I must dash out!' and returning when I'd pulled a face or two in private.

But I reckon as long as your parents do know you love them - and I bet they do - it's ok to be irritated a bit. If they've been married all this time I bet they get irritated with each other's little habits too, right?

LentillyFart · 14/04/2012 18:48

Huge sympathies from here OP. My Dad, bless him, is the loveliest man. Kind, generous, wouldn't hurt anyone. Unfortunately he's become obsessed with what things used to cost anywhere from 1958 - 1980 but particularly favouring the early years. He can remember to the penny how much the weekly shop was in 1962, how much his grandmother's house cost in 1927 (just why!!!), how much it cost to fill the tank on his first car - it just goes on and on. Sometimes I have teethmarks in my tongue and I'm afraid I'm going to snap soon!

LindyHemming · 14/04/2012 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldraver · 14/04/2012 21:01

OP... My parents obsession with food ie describing every single meal they have eaten out and what all the people at the meal ate as well.... drives me apeshit. I do now say "I DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU ATE" or what people I have never met have eaten.

My folks are also obsessed with having the tv on very loud... quite often two tv's on in adjacent rooms one for my Mum one for my Dad, they talk to me about the characters in soaps as though they are real even, though I will try and tell them I dont watch said programme.. My Dad particularily can only concentrate on one thing at a time so while he watches tv you get very little interaction with him. I think for me the all time low was when we visited after not seeing them for a few months, DS tried talking to him and he was so engrossed with some scuzzy family on Jeremy Kyle, he didnt notice DS at all. I dont expect them to drop everything, but I sometimes wonder why we visit

Eglu · 14/04/2012 21:07

I'm almost 35 OP, and I am starting to get irritated by my parents. Little things they've always done that now get on my nerves.

I thought it was just me. I was blaming it on pg hormones with DC3. DD is now 9 months so can''t blame it on that any more. I think the problem is that I'm getting intolernat as I get older. But also that my parents are getting slightly more annoying as they get older too.

Glad it's not just me.

LentillyFart · 14/04/2012 21:22

Euphemia - I like your style! My old Daddy is very fond of "When I was in the rag trade..................." - errrrr yeah Dad, you were a zip salesman in 1959 for 6 months! Grin

Is extreme provocation a defence in law?

lovebunny · 14/04/2012 21:25

seems fair enough. parents are annoying. i know. i am one.

LentillyFart · 14/04/2012 21:29

Me too lovebunny - me too and my son frequently tells me to get a grip and join him in the real world when I feel up to it! It's a generational thing isn't it - if I said that to my Dad it wouldn't end well Grin

kickassangel · 14/04/2012 21:29

my parents are becoming increasingly like this. as they get older, their lives become less busy, and even the smallest thing in their lives seems to be huge to them.

So I get blow by blow accounts of meals they ate, you know xxx from when you were at pre-school together (who?), you'll never guess what xxx said etc etc.

Then I try to talk about things in my life, and they often smile & nod as if they're indulging a child. In fact, they very much treat me like a naughty teenager.

I find it hard, but then they can and will help me if ever I need them, so although they are extremely irritating, they are also very supportive, so I just focus on that (and go out often sometimes when I stay with them)

kickassangel · 14/04/2012 21:31

oh, and my dad has started to say 'during the war'. He never watched Fools & Horses, but I try hard not to laugh.

LentillyFart · 14/04/2012 21:33

During the war -

You've just reminded me - I was asked today "Whatever happened to that tall skinny girl you used to hang around with. Can't remember her name. You know - tall and skinny. What was her name again?"

I'm fifty fucking two ffs - it could have been any one of a zillion people from 1965 onwards!

GracieW · 14/04/2012 22:01

Mine irritate me.

I irritate my DC's.

I am sure they will irritate their DC's.

and YANBU.

Whatmeworry · 14/04/2012 22:05

YANBU. I think it's something to do with familiarity breeding contempt.

Family breeding contempt.

I felt the same, and then my dad died. That's when you realise you must just let it wash over you, they are not here forever.

Original poster
hoopyloopy2 · 14/04/2012 22:51

Whatmeworry I am very conscious of that but still can't seem to let it wash over me. Makes me feel small and petty when I should be enjoying the time i have with them. Hence my post.

oldraver YES the blow by blow acct of every meal out is one of my Dad's classics. And as for the relative merits of different brands of ice cream/chocolate/curry - he can talk for hours.

OP posts:
eandemum · 15/04/2012 00:41

What about quoting from the daily express as if it's the gospel truth!

My mother has also discovered a new hobby of doing the family tree, each visit gets me an update of new discoveries but also including the old info just in case I have forgotten anything.
I have a tube of Bonjela in bag at all times for the blisters I have from biting my lip!

PoppyWearer · 15/04/2012 01:45

YANBU.

I used to think my Dad walked on water. It changed once we had DCs and I realised how infantile he is himself. We went on holiday with my DPs last year, far-flung overseas, on what was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime for them (who had never been further than Spain before). Their small-mindedness and criticism of our parenting was infuriating. The never-ending demands for a cup of tea drove me insane! Now I have to manage their visits to us so that my DH sees them as little as possible and I try to leave them to play with my DCs whilst I get on with other stuff. How sad is that?

Yes, it's getting worse as they get older, and my PILs too. They're going to be a nightmare in their 70s/80s.

Shanghaidiva · 15/04/2012 02:02

YANBU
My mum is not too bad as she still works part time (she is 70) and mixes with younger people so does not obsess about minor irritations of life.
My pils, on the other hand, drive me nuts usually within 10 minutes of their arrival. We live in China so don't see them very often, but some of their classics are:

  • blow by blow account of everything they ate and drank on the plane - yes I have been on a plane before
  • calling me young diva and asking me if I can touch my toes - wtf I am 43
  • referring to my dh as my lord and master
  • details of all their neighbours - have never met them and don't care
  • telling me that banning burqas in France is a good idea as there could be a paedophile under there - this I had to leave the room for.
  • details of everyone's operations.
Idocrazythings · 15/04/2012 02:23

I have come to the conclusion that it is life's way of breaking the bond a little, of making sure your ties with your partner and children are strongest; so that your "new" family really has a strong chance of making it; if that makes sense (it does to me!). That and the mantra "they get funny when they get older" helps!

Tee2072 · 15/04/2012 08:05

My mother's favourite thing to discuss is the price of gas (she lives in the US). How much she paid this time, how much she paid last time and how much the BP on the corner is more than the BP on the other corner.

One time, when we were all visiting, there was an article about 'how to tell you're getting old' and the number one thing? You talk about the price of gas all the time.

My brother put it in front of her place at breakfast. Grin