To get so irritated by my parents?

[hoopyloopy2]

Just spent last couple of days with my parents and feeling wound up and sad that I find them so annoying. Mainly petty things like my Dad's food obsession/greediness (eats too much and talks about food constantly), laziness, & bad table manners and my Mum's oversensitivity and ridiculous over-planning of any situation. But also it's the way they ask questions then don't listen to answers, talk over each other/everyone else and ask the same questions because they weren't listening the first time. All of these traits are getting worse as they get older (they are 68 and 72). Aarghh bp rising as I write this .

I can't blame it on a bad childhood as I think mine was fairly normal - usual tensions I guess, fairly standard stuff. I have never been very close to them, and we're a fairly reserved and not hugely tactile family but nothing I can blame for this intolerance I feel. I can't say I ever really enjoy their company as they just drive me mad, how sad is that when they reaching the end of their lives and I am 40. I am not like this with anyone else and would describe myself as fairly kind and empathetic with other people, warm and loving to my own children - so I am not a monster. I enjoy tiny moments of time spent with them but mainly in recollection rather than at the time. Each visit begins with good intentions on my part to be kind and patient with them, but I spend most of the time wishing it away/burning with irritation, followed by guilt. My sister and brother feel the same as me, so are we all intolerant and cruel? I wish I could find a way to be more forgiving of what are mainly petty irritations .

Idocrazy :I have come to the conclusion that it is life's way of breaking the bond a little, of making sure your ties with your partner and children are strongest; so that your "new" family really has a strong chance of making it; if that makes sense (it does to me!).

Yes, that makes sense and makes me feel sad too!

My parents are amazing. Very young at heart and interesting. I am so, so lucky. But the inlaws! When they stay for a few days, I have to be very busy around the house, because I can't just sit and listen to the constant complaining.

My mum isn't even old (55) and she drives me nuts! Her and step-dad are tight fisted and she constantly says 'oooh thats a bit dear' and will make a statement such as 'I like that colour blue' and then go 'hmmm? Hmmmm? hmmm?' until I respond - IT WASN'T A BLOODY QUESTION WOMAN!

She will constantly tell me how to parent DD and take over (I'm 30 years old ffs) and if I say 'oh DD is getting hungry' she will wait 5 mins and then say 'Oh I think GD is hungry, I really do'

They believe every thing written in the Sun and have not one iota of sympathy or empathy for anyone and the back handed compliments! ' Oh Ifyou, you do look better with make up on/in that colour instead of the black you always wear/now you have lost some weight etc etc.'

Constantly talks about giganet/blueberry's/station players etc like she has a clue!

Aaaaargh - that feels better.

I do love her though

I think most people are either boring or irritating, especially those we are related to or work with.

It's very annoying isn't it.

If you cant :o @ blueberries !!

Hoopy, there is a bit of advice I heard for those who spent a good deal of time with people who have dementia/alzheimers etc where the illness affects their behaviour. It transfers well to people who are getting old and stuck in their ways, parents in general, and, most usefully, irritating spouses!

The pearl of wisdom is that you have to find a way to feel sincerely that their quirks and idiosyncracies are amusing, endearing and delightful. In other words, love them as they are and not as you would wish them to be.

My own parents were quite spectacularly irritating, particularly when taken together, but the above helped me to enjoy being in their company. I wish I'd learned the strategy sooner as they are both sadly dead now, but I'm so grateful that we had better times in our later years and months together.

Good luck!

Can I just use this thread to have a rant about my FIL's arrogance?!

We went skiing last month. FIL has never been skiing, but has said to me in AT LEAST six separate conversations that he reckons he would be really good if he tried. Also he retired from working in the LEA 15 years ago, but EVERY time we go to visit there will be at least one anecdote about a time at work when no one else could solve whatever problem until he stepped in and sorted it out.

DRIVES ME MAD. I do have a very good relationship with my own parents though.

Ooh MrsPepper, are you my SIL? I always feel a bit guilty that my brother, sister and I have allowed unsuspecting people to marry into our family without warning them about my dad...

My DM and MIL both have an obsession with people who have died

They phone and say 'do you remember Mrs X?'. When DH or I say no they them list endless facts about this person, we met them once at the park, their cousin went to nursery with you, they had a dog etc. When satisfied that we don't know them they then say 'well they died'

What's the jeffing point of that???

My dad drives me crackers, he is only in his mid 50s and is mentally sound but he just repeats things lots - I'm convinced it's because he's too lazy to actually think of anything new to say. Now I've had DS he is even worse, every visit - every SINGLE visit he says:

"I think he's going to be a tall one"
"you can just SEE his brain lighting up"
"if only we could keep learning at the rate we do when we're babies"
"his head (DS has a bit of flathead) is looking so much better"
"look at him reaching for that toy - his hand eye coordination is spot on"

It's all nice stuff at least and the first time he said it, it was nice but seriously, I've been listening to these same comments for a YEAR now - I play a version of bingo in my head now when he visits and I tick them all off.

My PILs genuinely stress me out because although they are nice people they flap so much around DS, spend all their time criticising everything and everyone and are so bloody negative. They came to take DS for a walk this morning which was lovely of them but it started out with MIL saying "it's cold out there, we'll need a hat/ gloves/ coat and we'll take a blanket" - I dressed DS warmly and put him in the pram and FIL strides over and declares "the poor lad is completely lathered... There's steam coming out of his ears" - basically criticising me even though I'd followed to the letter what MIL had asked for.

My PILs are always doing this and usually in a really passive aggressive way e.g. Like they're giving my DS a voice (he can't talk yet) so instead of saying something to me outright they'd say "well he (DGS) says... I don't reckon much to this". Drives me bonkers. I'd much rather if they have a problem with my parenting they just came out and said so.

Phew. Sorry about that!

Also my MIL has this really irritating habit of saying 'jeeeeeeeeesus' under her breath about 100 times a day, basically whenever something has annoyed/ irritated or otherwise bothered her in some way. So, in the space of a single visit you might get:

"Jeeeeeeeeeesus" (forgot to pack the baby wipes)
"Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus" (I admit I haven't booked the car in for a service yet)
"Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus" (DH says Morrisons didn't have any broccoli when we went to get some for tea)

It really, really really annoys me. It's so PA as well. The WORST thing of all is that DH has somehow picked it up and started doing it too so I have to listen to it at home as well now. Gah!

I don't have a SIL joanofarchitrave ... but I think you should apologise to yours now!

This thread is making me chuckle!

Well I feel similarly irritated with my mum and am always left feeling guilty that I've undoutably let it show.

She doesn't listen and is always just waiting for her turn to talk. She will literally interrupt you mid- sentance to talk about something entirely off topic.

She is the queen of one upmanship.

apparently If I have any skill as a parent it's because she was an excellent mother herself . Not that she would ever compliment my parenting.

She has always been like this....I just get less and less tolerant of it.

My folks (dad and stepmum, nan and stepgrandad) visited yesterday afternoon. This thread couldn't have come at a better time.

I feel guilty that I just don't enjoy spending time with them at all...but I don't. They are all so relentlessly negative in their own ways: dad is angry all the time and monologues endlessly about the state of the nation; stepmum moans about her health; stepgrandad is at least inoffensive enough, but prone to repeating everything he says at least five times; nanna has become a passive-aggressive martyr who, every time I see or speak to her, says of my DC "ooh, we're missing them grow up" or "ooh, they don't know me, y'see" or even just "I miss 'em, see...I just miss 'em ". It drives me fucking BATSHIT.

They are good, decent people. They love me and they adore my children. They also think the world of DH. But they are not fun to be around, and they rarely ever consider my point of view.

My inlaws, on the other hand, are wonderful. Been on holiday with them, will happily chat on the phone for hours, look forward to all our family gatherings. They're ace. I count my blessings tbh.

Bender your family do sound very trying. It's a good thing you have such fab inlaws. The opposite is true in my situation and the relentless negativity gets to me too.

My PILs could win 10M on the lottery and would STILL be moaning about everything - how much tax they have to pay, how things cost more than they expected, how it's sooooo hard to invest it. Honestly, they could find the cloud in every bloody silver lining. I find it particularly galling as they have no real problems at all (fairly well off, retired, close to both sons, grandchildren, both in excellent health) whereas I have had a really shitty few years (cancer diagnosis for a start) - it makes me wonder if they realise just how lucky they actually are.

Thanks to you all, I thought I was the only one who thought like this about my parents and in laws. My mums latest classic was to ask my teenage daughter in a crowded restaurant in a loud voice if she had started her periods yet!

It sucks, doesn't it? The thing is, there are good solid reasons why my family are so down on life - abusive people, broken homes, grinding poverty, failed chances, not to mention my mum's suicide and my brother's illness and death a few years ago. So you know, I do get it. But I don't want to live like that. All this shit has affected me too, but I am trying my hardest every day to leave it behind because life is precious and wonderful and amazing. I want my children to go out into the world with a sense of wonder and curiosity, not filled with fear and resentment. And I want to enjoy my life, to be happy and love lots. Surely that is the point?

I also don't want to have to listen to my dad ranting on about being stuck in traffic when he refuses to take a less traffic-stricken route to my house, ever again

Sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis, that is shit. Best of luck in kicking its arse! :)

Zeno thanks for your advice. I will certainly try as I would far rather not feel this way as I really do want to enjoy their company and not feel so guilty. It's reassuring though that I am not alone. How scary though that we will no doubt all end up as irritating to our own kids.

Dad used to be very judgmental and was continually being depressed at the 'state' of Britain.

I 'banned' him from reading the Telegraph one Lent and he now reads The Week, he is happier, more accepting and positive, he tells less stories of bad things and he is sooo much easier to spend time with

The daily fail and the sun are probably as bad!?

Oh god, my mother irrates me (my dad doesn't though, poor man cannot get a word in edge ways).

When I show her something new I have bought, she will ask how much it has cost, she always does that sucking in teeth thing - for gawd sake mother... move with the times and how much stuff costs. She will then and she always always asks this - "what kind of material is it?" Why does she have to know eh? What flaming difference does it bloody well make.

She also repeats what she told me on the phone.