to be paying a higher percentage on outgoings than DP?

[Monica2012]

I started another thread re DP's money win, and a few people thought it was unresonable that I paid a higher percentage on rent/bills than DP. I moved in with DP just over 4 months ago. Is this unfair that i'm paying this much?

I come out with £700 per month.

I pay £250 in rent, £20 towards general bills and about £30 on supermarket shop,

so £300 in total.

DP comes out with about £3100 per month.

He pays £250 in rent, £380 in bills, and about £50 groceries,

So I pay 42% on outgoings, while he pays 21%, but he is self-employed, and about £846 of his income is spent on neccesities for his job and tax/NI contributions, so that's 47%.

So I have £400 per month left over from which I have to pay my travelcard, and he has £1674.

But as I said he does take me out once a week for dinner, and takes me away for a night or two every few months.

Am I being taken unfair advantage of?

Crikey - I am amazed at some of these responses. I guess a lot of it depends on how you end up in the situation you are in and maybe what your expectations in life were before that.

I moved in with DP 3 years ago and paid half of everything until our DD was born (gave him rent equivalent to half his mortgage); my salary was around 2/3 of his but I have been brought up to absolutely always pay my own way. I struggled during mat leave as he paid everything for the household - I understand why in the logical way but I do not like being dependent on someone else, no matter how good the reason.

Prior to that I lived with someone else, owned a house with him and we ran a company together - we were very financially entangled but I knew I was putting in an equal share. I suppose because we had very little money it made things a lot more straightforward!

I now work part time and have been recently made bankrupt as my business went under. The Receivers have decreed that the "fair" system is that we pay bills in proportion to our income - he takes home around £2k and me around £1k, so I pay a third of the bills and he pays two thirds. My disposable income is now £0 for the next three years, whereas he will have around £1500 left over every month as usual, much of which will no doubt be spent on mountain bikes and computery bits as usual. And I have absolutely no problem with any of that. Our lifestyles are similar and I am used to having no money to spend on random junk - I can even put in towards a week away as a family holiday from my BR allowance. As long as I have enough to cover basic living costs without worry then the world is a happy place to be and the rest of it is window dressing.

When I come out of bankruptcy, we will probably go for the joint account, all money in together system, but that will be after six years together and (at least) two kids - and by then even I will possibly be ready to do it!

If you are reasonably switched on, fully understand where all the money goes and don't feel taken advantage of then you are doing what's right for you.

The most important question really is whether you are happy with the arrangement? 4 months seems very early (to me) to be having a "completely" joint account, unless you have been together but living apart for several years already.

I earn more that DP and we have been living together nearly 2 years. We have a joint account which we both put the same set amount into each month and that pays rent, bills, food shopping. The rest of our income is our own. DP would not take more from me (I have offered), so when choosing a flat to rent we made sure it was one we could both afford half the rent of. I think, OP, that one of the problems in your case is that the flat was his beforehand and so whether or not you can afford it was never a consideration. Also I'm going on holiday with DM in a few weeks, and I think if we completely shared our finances then he would be more annoyed at some of his money going towards that; or I would feel guilty about spending "our" money on that, anyway. So I think it can be good to keep some separate.

Additionally, my work involves lots of nights, evenings and weekends, whereas DP works monday-friday around 8-5. OP, do you work similar hours to your partner?

Obviously things may change (and would at least be rediscussed) if we ever manage to get pg...

I couldn't live like that Goldrill. If my dp was in your position, I'd be giving him half of my disposable income, so we were the same. I'd certainly not be happy seeing him have nothing of his own, while I had £1500 left over every month. I would expect him to share with me too.

jennifer you would be doing you both a huge favour if you discussed it before you got pg. After you've had the baby, is no time to discover you have very different opinion wrt money and sharing of it.

I understand Karma, and DP has offerred to share money equally etc, but I couldn't do that! It was my business which failed, it's me who accepted a lower salaried job - these are all my responsibility and the financial position they leave me in is therefore my responsibility too.

If he starts jetting off to the sun for a fortnight every year or similar I may change my mind!

Hmmm, I see your point, Karma. We have discussed it up to a point already. Basically would continue doing what we're doing (and baby stuff would come out of the joint account meaning both our contributions to it would increase), unless either of us became unable to afford it. In which case we would be moving somewhere smaller / cheaper and one of us may well end up paying more. Problem is, although I would be happy to share money with DP, he is not keen on depending on anyone else (his upbringing sounds very similar to yours Gold) so it would be a matter of drastically reducing costs first. Also, although babies are "expensive" it is hugely variable and there are lots of ways to reduce costs (eg buying things second hand).

Maybe the food budget is fairly low because they eat out often?

How old is this relationship? I think it seems pretty fair that until there is some sign of commitment from you both you want (engagement/new baby/marriage) then it is fair that you each pay your way. I think it will help with your self esteem too if you know you are paying your own way within the relationship and not 'freeloading' from a man.

Income is entirely based on you individually. If you want to earn £3,000 a month then retrain or set up your own business. No one really owes anyone any favours.

He is paying considerably more towards bills etc. The fact that you are asking infers you are feeling hard done by. I think paying £300 for the month out of £980 is perfectly generous of him,along with paying for meals out etc.
If you are really struggling,tell him. If he could knock £50 off for you,that may help a lot but perhaps not make such a difference to him. He may feel he is already subsidising you.
It is certainly too early for joint accounts.

I read your other thread first and from that, did think you were being taken advantage of and he was ensuring he was seen as the 'good guy' by ensuring he could provide you with the treats, come to your rescue when you needed money but in reality was facilitating that environment where you were dependent on him financially.

Having read this though, I feel somewhat differently. I think a lot of this comes down to how long the relationship has been for/how serious it is.

If the situation was reversed, and I was earning a significant wage and my partner moved in with me was earning significantly less, I don't think the point it becomes my responsibility to ensure equality in earnings is at the point they move in. I think the fact he pays the majority of the bills is generous, and whilst I agree with posters who say that he has benefitted from you reducing his rent - I think you also said you are better off from this arrangement than you were previously and the point is that if he had moved in with you, a similar outcome would be predicted because that is what happens when people colocate - 2 rental payments become 1 shared one.

I think the worrying factor here is that you are sometimes left without money and need to rely on him, this makes me uneasy and is potentially creating reliance on him and therefore I would suggest speaking to him and perhaps agreeing that you will no longer pay £20-30 towards food a month to ensure you have your own financial dependence.

However, that does beg the question, if you are now better off financially, how you managed before you lived with him? You have both maken choices that have got you to where you are today ie: as someone said previously I imagine you work part time hours to earn £700 a month so it would be unfair for him to subsidise that.

Personally, whilst i think when joint decisions are made, ie: someone is a sat parent, then I absolutely agree that money should be a joint fund, and if you get to a longer term situation you will need to have this conversation to ensure there is equality in financial distrbution.

But for the time being, until marriage/children/mortgages become involved, I think you are not being taken advantage of. If i had moved in with someone and was paying 90% of the bills, more than half the food bill, paying for all our social events, and after just 4 short months they brought up that i was taking advantage and wanted half my lottery win- i would tell them to take a running jump.

It sounds vry much at the moment that you are two individuals cohabiting rather than in a family unit so at the moment I see no issue with this contribution, in fact he is being quite generous. I think the issue yyou you need to address is not his contribution but what it is - he should allow you to pay less money in order that he does not have to help you out throughout the month, and you can treat yourself --- this is likely to support your financial independence and self esteem much better than your current situation,

"You should an equal amount of leisure/free spending money left each week/month."

but for this to happen OP'S DP would have to pay everything. How much is your travelcard OP? £400 left over each month sounds like a lot but if you are still ending up short (as you mentioned in other post) then i would talk to him about only paying a bit less so he doesn't have to "treat" you all the time. Maybe say it's bruising your ego rather than tell him he's ripping you off

I would like to know how you two only spend 60 pounds a month on food.

If this was a longer term thing, I'd be thinking that you are paying too much - your joint household income is £3800, so bills (rent, food, tax, NI, utilities) should be met from that. Of the rest, you both take a third each disposable and a third goes into long term savings.

However after only 4 months it would be a bit soon to me to be joining finances. When I was in a similar situation with DH, when he moved into my house I did not want or expect contributions to the mortgage. He paid half food & bills only. Then again, I didn't put him on the house deeds either! I was (still am) the higher earner. Now all income goes into the one account and all expenses come out of the one account - we started that after we were married though.

I was in a similar stuation when my DH worked and I was a full-time student. Although he paid in double what I did, he had a much larger income it was a lower proportion for him, and he had more leftover money. But I didn't feel taken advantage of. Living with him, I had a much better lifestyle than my contribution would have ever provided me with on my own, or with someone who contributed the same as I did. As long as you've got a comfortable amount left over at the end of the month (and imo it looks like you do) I would not feel taken advantage of in your position. Now the tables are tuned and I earn more than he does, and I don't mind at all.

I would highly recommend getting a joint account into which the wages go and bills come out. We also have private accounts, into which we transfer money based on how healthy the joint is looking. I use mine for all the little personal things and gifts that are nothing to do with DH. We give ourselves the same amount, regardless of who earned it. I only ever look at our joint income total when looking at money, I dont even break it down to who earned what anymore.