to be paying a higher percentage on outgoings than DP?

[Monica2012]

I started another thread re DP's money win, and a few people thought it was unresonable that I paid a higher percentage on rent/bills than DP. I moved in with DP just over 4 months ago. Is this unfair that i'm paying this much?

I come out with £700 per month.

I pay £250 in rent, £20 towards general bills and about £30 on supermarket shop,

so £300 in total.

DP comes out with about £3100 per month.

He pays £250 in rent, £380 in bills, and about £50 groceries,

So I pay 42% on outgoings, while he pays 21%, but he is self-employed, and about £846 of his income is spent on neccesities for his job and tax/NI contributions, so that's 47%.

So I have £400 per month left over from which I have to pay my travelcard, and he has £1674.

But as I said he does take me out once a week for dinner, and takes me away for a night or two every few months.

Am I being taken unfair advantage of?

Okay I have read your other thread now. Clearly you do need more disposable income, as you are running short at the end of every month. So I think you should tell him that it would simply be a lot easier if instead of him having to 'bail you out' every month, you readjusted the rent payments so that you paid X quid less.

It's not really great if he pays for dinner and then you have to ask him for lunch money the next day!

I refer back to my 18/27 percent sums, I think that would be a good argument to bring him about adjusting the rent.

I wouldn't be happy with this personally as a long term thing, but we've been together a long time, have a mortgage together etc. so appreciate it might be a bit different if the relationship is at an earlier stage.

The way we work it in principle is that after household costs & food, we each have the same amount left as 'personal' cash each month. In practice we're a bit flexible as our individual costs can vary (like when DP got an eye-watering garage bill) but it all tends to even out.

Over the years this has meant him paying a higher percentage for a time & now it is me.

I think this is fair because we both do similar hours, similar amounts round the house etc. and so I think we should have the same 'lifestyle' iykwim.

Having said that I do know longstanding couples who view income as very much individual, even if that means one shopping in boutiques and the other in Primark. Works for them clearly, but wouldn't work for me.

They have talked about marriage etc but they are boyfriend and girlfriend I would run at the thought of a joint account at 4 months living together.

Monica, there is really only one issue/question here that matters and that is:

Are you happy with the way things are?

He is taking the piss. You are paying a far higher percentage.

You should be looking at nett income and the percentage of nett income that is spent on the household expenses.

You have £700 nett.

Of that, you pay £300 or about 43%

Your partner has £2254 nett (£3100-£846 that you say is spent on business outgoings and ni etc)

Of that, he pays £680 - or about 30%

That is NOT FAIR

You are contributing 13% more of your income than he is of his!

You need to find a fairer way of managing money. This is not fair. You need to see past the actual number of pounds and see the true figure - which is the percentage of your respective incomes.

I think this is fine. I've lived with 3 men, one of whom is now my husband. In all 3 instances of living together, our money was our own, and we each paid half of everything essential. I've been the lower and higher earner. I see no reason why he should subsidise you - unless his choices (e.g. huge house) made it unaffordable for you. You're outgoings look less than if you were on your own.
I'm not saying that's how everyone should be - it's s couple's personal decision. But it seems perfectly fair to me. When I lived with a higher earner, he paid for more meals out than me - or rather, we probably paid the same amount of times, but he'd cover restaurant meals, me pubs!
I only expect pooling of money when the relationship is very serious - in my case, after marriage.

I have no idea

But can you let me know where you shop for food - as 80 quid a month for two is excellent and I would like to get my food bills down that low - so please please share your meals for the month or let me know where you get the food?

"For richer, for poorer"

We put all our money into one pot and spend it on what we see fit.

I was wondering about the £60 per month food bill too!

Or is that because you eat out a lot? or eat at work or something?

Would also add that we didn't start off with our arrangement until we decided to buy a place together, as at that point we knew we were in it for the long haul, so to speak.

Having said that I'd still be looking for a bit of an adjustment e.g. 50 quid off your rent contribution shouldn't be a big deal for him given the income described, but sounds like it would make a big difference to you?

OP, isn't your £30 in the supermarket per week, not per month? It sounds very low even then.

I think this is bad enough when you're living together but so many people have this problem when they're married. A friend of mine has to pay the bills and food - which of course are going up all the time whereas her husband is paying a fixed rate on the mortgage. I don't understand why anyone would want to live in a situation where they were much poorer than their partner and where they had to keep asking for money.

OP, compare your situation with this one that was posted earlier in the week on Mumsnet.

Similar situations - woman moves into man's house, man is the higher earner.

Blimey, money's just money in this house and always pooled together.

I have always paid 50/50 with the 2 men I have lived with. I was the higher earner in both cases.

It took 7 years of living together before dh and I joined finances.

You sound like you are happy as you are, so maybe there's no need to change things yet. I don't think the specifics of shared finances (joint accounts and savings etc.) are as important as the principles behind it. When you have fully committed to a relationship then IMO all money is shared and significant expenditure is always discussed. For example I earn 3-4x what my wife does, she's never paid a bill or the mortgage because she doesn't need to.

You say that your partner treats you to lots of things, but do you ever get to treat him? Or have a say in what these treats are? If not then I'd ask for a discussion. It certainly is not freeloading to pool finances, as his partner you are a large part of keeping him happy and healthy and therefore are enabling his earning IYSWIM. I think you'd want to have a bit more balance before you got a mortgage and had children. That is only personal opinion though

Have your costs increased as a result of moving in with him ? For instance, were you paying less rent in a shared house beforehand? Is the food bill higher due to buying more extravagant food? If so, you need to explain that you'll need to either move to cheaper accommodation on your own, or move somewhere cheaper together , or you need to reevaluate the bills. I can see why you don't have pooled money in the early days, but as the relationship progresses you need to make sure you find a solution that treats you both fairly.

If you wanted to move out at any point, do you have the deposit on new home etc? Or is this arrangement emptying your bank account totally ?

I think I'd be looking at paying out on the percentage terms once you've lived together for a while. I think this is okay for the time being, as you've only lived together for a very short time. If you said you'd been living together for a year, I'd think differently.

I would not expect to pool my finances or get a joint account with someone I had only been living with for a matter of a few months.

Oh, I don't know. 4 months in is very new still. I think it takes time to come to an easy arrangement, and it is something that develops gradually.

I don't think either of you are taking advantage of the other REALLY though... you are both in a better position financially than you would be alone...

I would find it strange if with you living together one of you had a significantly higher standard of living then the other. If one of you can afford luxuries but the other can't afford new socks. I do think that if you are living with someone in a serious long term relationship then the quality of life is shared. Otherwise its just weird and unequal.

Your incomings are very low (although your out goings are hugely lower then mine and your spare cash is more then i can dream of at the moment). Do you work full time?

If it were me i would probably try to get a second job as a passive aggressive way of pointing out how unequal things are but also how you don't wanting to be going to him cap in hand every time you are a bit skint.

Im a bit confused by your figures as they seem to be monthly e.g your £250 for rent. But your food is only £30 and his food contribution is £50 - do you really mean your food bill is only £80 a month?

If your happy then that's all that matters but living together with a view to marriage for me is a partnership and finances should be joint.

Erm what is the problem here, he earns more than you, he is actually paying more (I'd be looking for half the household expenses from you).

DH and I have always worked like that, and there have been times we have earned the same, he has earned a lot more than me, I have earned a lot more than him. The simple solution if you don't like it is to get a better paid job.

The reason I asked what job you did is because I wonder - could you potentially get a better paid job or if you are part time more hours? You mention travel card - so I assume you live in a city where there may be other opportunities. not really answering your question but it could really help you financially and boost your self esteem too.

Yes, what is your job?

If you work PT by choice, for example, then you can't really expect him to subsidise that.