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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that since he wanted to be a sahp so much that he ought to actually be a sahp

49 replies

cockyleeky · 13/04/2012 20:42

Dh hated work. Has had loads of different jobs but fundamentally hates working for other people. He's an extremely good worker, I know because that's how I met him, he was a long time ago an employee of mine.

I'm not great at being a sahp parent, and like being out at work. So when an opportunity arose to go to work when dd2 was 2 I did so, and he reduced his hours. I wouldn't mind if he gave up completely, but he's not comfortable only relying on one income so he still does 12 hours. His employer has also given him several big raises to keep him because he's very good at the job.

Since he's the one at home our house is a hell of a lot cleaner, and we have a much better diet. He's a bloody good housewife. He also is doing an ou degree, purely for his own personal reasons, it won't help him get paid work, it's just something he's always wanted to do. This is great.

But.....I'm starting to get quite hacked off with the parenting part of it. I returned to work when dd2 was 2, but it has been a case of my hours increasing over time. I'm self-employed so it's a case of grabbing business when I can, and it's going really well.

I nearly always do the school run in the morning unless I'm really busy when he's quite happy to get up and do it. This is usually just in the run up to Christmas, so most of the year he gets to stay in bed till 9. i then go straight to work and work through till about 5ish at the moment (maybe 7 near christmas). My god, the moaning about looking after the girls from 3.30-5. Bearing in mind that he's not seen them till that point in the day, you'd think that's what's expected of a sahp, yes? And god forbid if there are activities to get them to or appointments. He does it all but he gets his knickers in a twist every time.

I just don't get it. He's more than happy to cook meals, do washing, ironing but if I tell him of variations to clubs or he realises that he's got to go to school twice because the girls are out at different times he's really moody.

So now we're in the holidays, and I pay for the girls to go to playscheme almost every day, although we don't really need it, but they do like it. And he can get on with his essays which is fine. But he's been bloody moaning tonight that he's got to drop everything at 2.30 to get them, can't we stretch to paying for them to stay till 5. What bloody sahp gets out of looking after their children till 5pm?

It's not that he doesn't like being around the kids, because I've had a couple of days off these hols and we've had lovely family days out, and if anything he's been more hands on than me. So what's the problem? He moans if they're at home, but moans if they're doing activities because it means he has to get them there.

OP posts:

JustHecate · 13/04/2012 20:43

what does he say when you ask him all this and tell him how you feel?

LingDiLong · 13/04/2012 20:46

I don't get it either. I think he wants to be a 'househusband' rather than a SAHP. What is it that he gets so flappy about? I don't enjoy the after school activities aspect of SAHParenting but it's what I signed up for...

Original poster

cockyleeky · 13/04/2012 20:54

I don't know, he just gets so irritated by things.

The play scheme thing is bugging me because it costs quite a lot already, but he wants to pay for them to go an extra 2 hours every day. That just seems massively unnecessary to me, and I don't like that it's blatantly just to get rid of them for longer. It's not that they're going to necessarily be doing anything exciting at home, or even that I'm there, I just don't like that he doesn't want to look after them at all.

He also tries to get ds (15) out of the house every day, and says he can't concentrate at all, even if ds is in his room. So it's just having them around that he seems to object to, and that makes me sad.

OP posts:

Original poster

cockyleeky · 13/04/2012 20:58

Thinking about it, I don't think he copes with mess, noise and disruption at all well, which is a little unfortunate as a sahp.

But if he wants me to go back to being at home more (which i would do if it made him happy) he's going to have to work more. Which he point blank says he won't do. It's just somwhat unrealistic to attempt to be sahp and expect calm and quiet.

OP posts:

Teeb · 13/04/2012 20:58

Well hang on, he isn't a sahp is he? He's at work part time, as well as a full/part time student, and does the majority of cooking/housework too by the sounds of it.

Thumbwitch · 13/04/2012 21:00

Sounds to me like he just likes being on his own in the house, being able to potter around, do his thing (which happily involves cooking and cleaning) but doesn't actually want to have to worry about other people, including his own DC.

So, not so much a SAHP as a househusband, as someone has said. He's being pretty selfish about it, I believe - he needs to remember that he is a part of the family all the time, not just when he feels like it.

Original poster

cockyleeky · 13/04/2012 21:00

So on average he'll have them for 1.5 hours per week day, plus Saturday mornings. That's a doss for a sahp right?

OP posts:

Kayano · 13/04/2012 21:01

Can you be a sahp and work?

Just asking

TheProvincialLady · 13/04/2012 21:02

The trouble is - he is very selfish. He gets to work 12 hours a week, do the cleaning (1 hour a day max with no children around) and the cooking (ditto), and then spend the rest of the day on his hobby degree. The children get in the way of him doing what he thinks he should be doing.

Original poster

cockyleeky · 13/04/2012 21:04

Teeb, I don't think he's not pulling his weight in terms of division of labour, I just think it's realistic since I'm still at work to look after the kids without whinging every time. (of course he's allowed to whinge when they're doing his head in)

OP posts:

JustHecate · 13/04/2012 21:06

He doesn't work for anyone else because he doesn't want to.
He stays at home because he wants to
He does the housework because he wants to
He's doing an OU course because he wants to
He won't look after the children because he doesn't want to

Part of being a member of a family, hell - part of being a grown up is understanding that you can't live your life doing only those things that you want to. And that you have got to give of yourself.You have to take care of your children, you have to get off your arse and work, even if you don't like it.

I'm going to stay at home because I want to, but I'm not going to look after the children, you'll have to do that, but I'm not going to take care of the resulting drop in income, you'll have to take care of that too.

He's not sounding like a nice guy, tbh.

mynewpassion · 13/04/2012 21:07

No, he's not a SAHP. He's a PT worker and going to school. That's almost a full-time job same as the OP. He also does most of the house cleaning and cooking.

He's doing alot so he's not selfish.

Teeb · 13/04/2012 21:09

I think as these threads always come down to, its more about how much free time each party gets. So if you add his 12hours at work (does he have a commute?) 12 hours childcare while you're away, studying time (10 hours maybe?) cooking and cleaning can be anything from 1.5 to 5 hours a day.

If you work both of those things out between the two of you and it seems drastically uneven, then maybe have a sit down to see where you can even things up and work to your strengths.

JustHecate · 13/04/2012 21:10

I think it is selfish to say that I will only do those things that I want to do. I think that's the very definition of selfishness!

trixie123 · 13/04/2012 21:11

How many adults do you know who get to stay in bed until 9am on a regular basis, regardless of whether they are a SAHP or WOHP or whatever. That alone frankly makes him seem like a somewhat self-indulgent person let alone the rest of it.

Original poster

cockyleeky · 13/04/2012 21:14

None of that is the problem. I reckon we both have about even amounts of free time.

He does a hell of a lot including all the stuff he doesn't want to do. It's just the fact that it puts him in such a bad mood that annoys me.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 13/04/2012 21:15

I agree with JustHecate. Selfish is cherrypicking the bits you do want to do and whinging about/refusing to do the bits you don't want to.

mathanxiety · 13/04/2012 21:16

Wants to live in his own little bubble, do as he pleases and ignore the fact that there are three DCs if I counted right...

He can't have his cake and eat it.
If he wants someone else to do the children's stuff in the afternoon then somehow or other it needs to be paid for.
Keep at him on this tack and hopefully he will see reason.

Or maybe he is engaged in resenting what he sees as some sort of employer/employee relationship, with you as the employer and him as the employee and the DCs as the annoying clients..
If that is the case he needs to go and sort himself out and there will be no resolution to this until he gets to the bottom of his ego problems.

Original poster

cockyleeky · 13/04/2012 21:16

See, i'm quite happy for him to get up at 9. I get to sort the kids out in peace, and it's a luxury that I don't begrudge him because there's absolutely no reason for him to be up.

OP posts:

TartyMcFarty · 13/04/2012 21:20

I hate him based on the OP alone. Sorry, he sounds like an arse.

mathanxiety · 13/04/2012 21:22

He needs to sort out why he hates working for other people. Taking care of young children is the closest anyone is going to feel like working for other people you will get without actually having to clock in and wear a uniform.

I warn you, it is often a massive problem to sort out.

mathanxiety · 13/04/2012 21:23

sorry very clunky sentence there; should be 'closest you will get to feeling you are working for other people'..

Inertia · 14/04/2012 00:21

I'm the one in your DH's position here (didn't hate my FT job but it wasn't financially viable with child care costs). I work PT 5 days - works out at about 20 hours- and take responsibility for household stuff. I do all the cleaning, meal planning/ buying, most cooking, and everything else. But part of the arrangement is that I also take on responsibility for the children, because my DH's job means that he's often not here. My PT job is low paying but fits around the children's school.

I take them to school and pick them up (DH will sometimes take them if working from home as it's very close and the DC sometimes ask him). I'm amazed that you're happy about your DH lying in until 9am! In our house, if we all have to be out at the same time we help each other with breakfast / coralling the DC. And I do all the ferrying about to clubs. And in the school holidays, the DC are here. My household chores would be done much more efficiently without the Dc around, but paying for them to go to playschemes would cancel out the benefit of my being in a job that fits around their school terms.

I must admit I do moan to DH if it's been a trying day with the children ( I never have them from just 3.30 to 5 though!) . But your DH should accept that the ferrying DC about comes with this role, and get on with it. And TBH shouldn't he be figuring out the logistics of pickups anyway, rather than you sorting it for him?

WRT playschemes- what if they do go from 9 to 5, but only on a couple of days? That way he does get 2 or 3 full days to work.

minimisschief · 14/04/2012 01:14

i dont get your point. he still works does all cooking and cleaning and you want him to actually do everything?

doesnt work like that love thats why many people whine on here when they are sahp that they arent slaves

mathanxiety · 14/04/2012 05:35

Well I was a sahp once, and my nights consisted of feeding and settling insomniac babies and toddlers; days consisted of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and taking care of babies and older children, including two school runs at separate times in the morning and afternoon (so four trips in total), plus activities in the afternoons, plus supervising homework. It certainly worked like that for me.

Who are these sahps who just get to do the sah and perhaps the part-time job part while someone else does the P bit?

The majority of women that I know who can find part time work while the DCs are in school (the holy grail of jobs) also do everything that the DCs need doing all afternoon long, as well as all the housework, cooking, cleaning. Most of the main breadwinners are gone from before for 12 hours between commuting and working, and a lot of people I know have main breadwinners whose jobs means travel too, on top of the pt jobs and the full time sahping. It absolutely does work like that for most people .

I am a single mother now and I am still doing it all.

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