To think that since he wanted to be a sahp so much that he ought to actually be a sahp

[cockyleeky]

Dh hated work. Has had loads of different jobs but fundamentally hates working for other people. He's an extremely good worker, I know because that's how I met him, he was a long time ago an employee of mine.

I'm not great at being a sahp parent, and like being out at work. So when an opportunity arose to go to work when dd2 was 2 I did so, and he reduced his hours. I wouldn't mind if he gave up completely, but he's not comfortable only relying on one income so he still does 12 hours. His employer has also given him several big raises to keep him because he's very good at the job.

Since he's the one at home our house is a hell of a lot cleaner, and we have a much better diet. He's a bloody good housewife. He also is doing an ou degree, purely for his own personal reasons, it won't help him get paid work, it's just something he's always wanted to do. This is great.

But.....I'm starting to get quite hacked off with the parenting part of it. I returned to work when dd2 was 2, but it has been a case of my hours increasing over time. I'm self-employed so it's a case of grabbing business when I can, and it's going really well.

I nearly always do the school run in the morning unless I'm really busy when he's quite happy to get up and do it. This is usually just in the run up to Christmas, so most of the year he gets to stay in bed till 9. i then go straight to work and work through till about 5ish at the moment (maybe 7 near christmas). My god, the moaning about looking after the girls from 3.30-5. Bearing in mind that he's not seen them till that point in the day, you'd think that's what's expected of a sahp, yes? And god forbid if there are activities to get them to or appointments. He does it all but he gets his knickers in a twist every time.

I just don't get it. He's more than happy to cook meals, do washing, ironing but if I tell him of variations to clubs or he realises that he's got to go to school twice because the girls are out at different times he's really moody.

So now we're in the holidays, and I pay for the girls to go to playscheme almost every day, although we don't really need it, but they do like it. And he can get on with his essays which is fine. But he's been bloody moaning tonight that he's got to drop everything at 2.30 to get them, can't we stretch to paying for them to stay till 5. What bloody sahp gets out of looking after their children till 5pm?

It's not that he doesn't like being around the kids, because I've had a couple of days off these hols and we've had lovely family days out, and if anything he's been more hands on than me. So what's the problem? He moans if they're at home, but moans if they're doing activities because it means he has to get them there.

Loving the person that thinks I treat him like a slave.

I get the kids up and do the school run in the morning. He then gets up at 9 when we've left and usually has some free time, before he gets his studies out. He will do any housework during the daytime, but it's not much since they're all at school. He then sees the children for the first time at about 3.30 and has them for approx 1.5 hours, which quite often involves multi trips to the school, and clubs etc.

This is the bit he moans about. I then come in about 5 when he's cooking, to find him in a right mood. 'God, gardening club came out 5 mins late, I hate hanging around on the playground/ Dd1 couldn't find her coat so had to go in and hunt/ the opticins have said we've got to go back AGAIN next week'. He then sits in silence through dinner because he's so pissed off with his lot.

I just don't get it, it's the tiny crap that gets him SO down. And surely all that stuff is totally normal and expected.

So then I usually sort baths, homework, playing etc while he goes out for a 'walk' and he reappears in a good mood about 7 and will be quite good with the kids even if it's just watching telly together or whatever.

he's being an arse IMO. i probably have a very similar set up but it's me that's part-time (18hrs a week) and my DS is only nursery so about a lot more. i think my H would want to kill me if i was that bloody grumpy about spending time with my kids...

A slave!!? Haha

It does sound like he's getting the better deal tbh

I see no reason why he can't do the school runs at all. Or why he couldn't have the kids for some days in the holidays or go back and forth to school for various things, do appointments, playdates and activities.

I think i'd have to have a talk.

All that 'tiny crap' is the bits where he actually has to do things for others. He has to be at the school at a certain time. He has to interrupt his thoughts for the children.

You have a man there who really thinks he should be able to do exactly what he wants all day long and never have to put himself out for anybody.

ArtexMonkey: 'But you have to do stuff you don't like sometimes ; is this why he doesn't like working for other people?' Yes, imo this is what it has on common with that problem.

It has to be pointed out that I'm more than happy with my lot. I love my job, and am really proud of the fact that something I started very part-time when dd1 was a baby has now turned into something I can support the familt on (more-or-less) and really enjoy my days in the bargain.

Because I'm self-employed I could easily contract some of the work to him and re-jig our hours again. It would be very easy to get rid of his job completely, and for me to be at home more, if he did some of my work. He won't entertain this either because apparently my job sounds a nightmare dealing with moaning idiots all day. This is not how it is at all, and everyone else I know who does my job also loves it, and the customers are 99% of the time lovely.

God he sounds like hard work. How old is he? 12? A sulky whiny little boy. So he really does the bare minimum of childcare. Oh and your leisure/rest time is vastly unequal despite what you said earlier.

Think how the children feel having a sulky father every dinner time. I know how that feels. Pretty awful.

It sounds like you do the lions share tbh. SAHP that doesn't even get the kids ready for school in the morning - he's taking the piss before the day even starts!! He is not at school/studying to benefit the family - he's doing his 'hobby' - entirely different. Then you come home, do homework with them, sort them out - while he goes out for a walk after he's had all day to please himself?? Why isn't he sorting them out with their homework after school/clubs? He's being a lazy git who needs a BIG kick up the backside.

Think he needs to focus on the positives.

I am a sahm with 2 children in school and to be honest it is like groundhog day but I get hours and hours to do stuff uninterrupted. I do pretty much everything, Dh is amazing and loves cooking so takes over making dinner (removes spoon from my hand type) I mow the grass, put bins out etc because Dh makes life easy for me by working and I make life easy for him. It's team work.

Yes there are days when the children are in clubs and I literally drive home, and30 minutes later I drive back but so what? It is hardly a big deal. It really is about focusing on the good stuff and not letting the day to day trivial crap get you down.

I don't think you should extend their holiday club hours. There are many parents out there who also complete their studies with a toddler hanging off their leg, your children sound much older and like they can occupy themselves whilst your Dh studies.

He could be up at 7am and get 2 hours of study in. He lies in every day, you are a bloody saint

He's trying to have his cake, eat it too and have an extra serving later!!

He doesn't want to work more
He doesn't want to have the kids

He just wants to please his fecking self. No deal.

That is true, but I love doing all the homework and stuff when I'm there, otherwise I feel I'd miss out on parenting due to being at work too much.

I'm at work all day today, because it's really busy, and he's planning to take them out all day. He doesn't have a problem with that, it's just the after school slot he can't seem to deal with.

It sounds to me like you both work pretty hard and have worked out a schedule which seems fair to you both.

Could it be more to do with how the time between 3.30 and 5 is planned out for him - and that he feels that he is just being 'told' what to do and who to pick up when? Obviously, if your DCs adore gardening club, that's important and he needs to make sure they get to the activities they enjoy. But if this is a control issue then perhaps ask him to take over organising the after school time with the DCs. For example, fewer after school clubs wouldn't be the end of the world if the DCs get to spend that time with a happy dad instead.

Obviously, if he's just being mardy, this isn't going to help!

Sounds to me that he just doesn't want to be a parent

I think the poster who said he may feel like your employee has hit the nail on the head.

I'm not saying you're treating him badly or working him like a slave, by the way.

His history of hating to work for people may well be at the bottom of this: he just doesn't like being told what he has to do, or working to any timetable other than his own.

That is absolutely his problem to deal with, not yours. I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk about how he feels and what he's going to do about it or this will fester for both of you.

Swop 'DH' for 'DW' and 'he' for 'she' in the OP.
I wonder if there would get a different response if a man wrote this.

I hope not.
YANBU OP.

Is the degree he is doing purely self indulgent or is it to increase his chance of better paid work/ setting up his own business? Makes a difference INMO.

Agree with Tanith. He just wants to do what he likes and doesn't like that being interrupted.You need to talk.

Well hang on. When he agreed to cut back hours it was to be a SAHP. Presumably OP did not agree to him cutting back hours in order to do the housework and start an OU degree as a hobby. If there were no kids in the equation he would still be working FT right?
So his main role is to be a parent. And he moans and bitches about this to the extent he his in a bad mood every evening because his children are inconsiderate enough to need him for 1.5 hours everyday. This is bullshit. The deal includes childcare. If he doesn't like it then he can go back to work but it's a joke expecting you to support him at home if all he is prepared to do is the housework.

Grumpiness is so utterly dispiriting. He sounds like he's behaving like a twanker. Agree with Tanith that not liking being told what to do seems to be key to the problem. I would try and let him get on with it as far as possible and definitely stop rescuing him whenever he's in a strop in an attempt to make him happier- his moods are his own to control. Could you work a bit later a few nights a week and just leave him to it? Then maybe you could finish at lunchtime one day and give him one full day to concentrate on his "work" while you get your fix with the children.

How do you organise finances? If you have separate accounts and don't combine your incomes, then I would suggest that he pays for extending their time at the play schemes, because he is the one who can't be bothered to look after them. Better for them not to be at home if he is grumpy and doesn't want to see them. Poor kids!

It sounds to me like he shouldn't have had children - he wants to do his own thing all day and have it financed by you. The thing is, if you didn't have dc, you probably wouldn't be happy for him to indulge himself all day, while you pay for him. You would expect him to be working and contributing. He gets to sah, because you have dc - the deal is that he looks after them. He's not doing that.

He is reneging on his deal and I would be very pissed off about it. I understand that he doesn't enjoy the time between 3.30 - 5.00. My own dc come home grumpy and tired and that time is very full on - but that's the deal when you are a sahp.

I think that everything is geared too much in his favour and he is taking you for granted - time for him to stop having so much free time and start pulling his weight with the kids - they are more important than his hobby and his leisure time. I feel so sorry for them, having a dad who doesn't want them to even be in their own home. He doesn't sound nice at all.

I agree that he should STFU and get on with it.

But to be fair, I do hate that 3.30 to 5pm slot. It's by far the worst bit of the day, running around to do stuff and then try and get dinner and stuff. I can't wait for bathtime...

If he is the SAHP, then why are YOU making all the arrangements for their activities and clubs and telling him when to pick them up?

Management of this should fall to the SAHP. The logistics' is IMO the hardest part.