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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find my DH mean and heartless at times

53 replies

sutei · 13/04/2012 19:42

My brother took out a payday loan to cover him until his next installment of his student loan, my sister found out about it yesterday(he left his email open on her laptop). She paid off the payday loan and she is taking him our for dinner tonight because she wants to talk to him and to tell him not to suffer in silence again. When I told DH he laughed and said that he won't learn anything and that by being taken out he is benefitting from his irresponsibility and that my sister is a classic example of a fool and her money being easily parted.
I think that she did the right thing as he is only young (19) and that these companies appear to pray on the vulnerable (although I only know what I've seen in adverts).

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2012 19:44

I suppose it totally depends on what he's like with money.

I know many students who piss their money up a wall and many who don't.

Is he normally a responsible lad?

SecretNutellaFix · 13/04/2012 19:44

Is it heartless he has a short sharp shock? or that he be allowed to continue falling into a debt spiral?

Maybe he needs lessons on money management, but I do agree that these payday loan companies should not be allowed to advertise as freely as they do. They are legalised loan sharks.

Marilyn1980 · 13/04/2012 19:44

Everyone needs a leg up now and then. What kind of lad is he? did he find himself short of money by spending all his cash in the pub/designer clothes etc, or is he genuine?

If the former then she is a lovely but slightly misguided sister, if the latter then your hubby is a bit mean, I wonder what he'd say if someone offered to help him out of a hole.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/04/2012 19:46

I partly agree with your dh - she should not facilitate his stupidity.

And the dinner is a good time to point out exactly where he has gone wrong.

He is also at 19, plenty old enough to live with the consequences of his actions once she has explained it to them.

Yes, they pray on the vulnerable and it's our job as parents to point out why they are a bad idea and explain exactly what they mean by 1793% interest.

After that it's up to them.

pjmama · 13/04/2012 19:46

He's right to an extent that he won't learn anything if he thinks he's going to get bailed out every time. However, if this is the first instance and your sis gives him a firm kick up the arse and makes it clear that this is his one and only get out of jail free card, then I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

Oakmaiden · 13/04/2012 19:46

I think your sister has done a lovely thing.

It could be that it will never happen again, and that will be that. Or it might be that your dh is right and your brother will now take advantage regularly. But assuming this isn't something that has happened before then I think it is worth giving him the benefit of the doubt. 19 is very young, and if this is his first experience of having to budget etc for himself then it isn't enormously uncommon for him to get it wrong in the early days...

DPrince · 13/04/2012 19:47

I don't think your dh is mean. Just realistic.

Original poster

sutei · 13/04/2012 19:48

Whilst he's not reckless with money some of his loan and wages (he does work a few hours a week) will have been spent on things that aren't essential but isn'y that a part of being a student.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 13/04/2012 19:49

If it's the first time he's done it there's no reason to go in all guns blazing, budgeting is something you have to learn, mostly by experience, but a kindly word by a relative might help.

SauvignonBlanche · 13/04/2012 19:51

I think your sister's approach is good, if this is the first time this has happened.
Payday loans can spiral if left unchecked.

wellwisher · 13/04/2012 19:52

I think your DH is right and I hope your brother will pay your sister back the money as soon as she can. Payday loans are for mugs. As for "oh it's part of being a student" - your brother is old enough to marry, vote and there are men younger than him dying in Afghanistan. He's not a baby.

diablagator · 13/04/2012 19:52

YANBU why would it sensible to let him get in a debt trap, its not going to help his studies is it. Family should look after each other but then I'm soft and regularly give my lil brother money as the thought of him being in hardship is worse then the loss of anything I may be able to buy with that money.

DPrince · 13/04/2012 19:53

No its not part of being a student, imo. Even if it is he does need to learn to stop and your dsis (as lovely as she seems) is taking him to tell him not to suffer in silence isn't going to help. She should be telling him to stop since its non essential and saying 'I have helped you this once but...' She could help him budget better, that would be more helpful.

Hassled · 13/04/2012 19:55

There's 19 and then there's 19, though - some are very mature, some are really still kids. I was very savvy at that age - I had to be - but my oldest was clueless. I think your sister has done the right thing.

norfolkinchance · 13/04/2012 19:57

Has she lent him the money or given him it? Does he get money from your parents or is it just his loan and wages, as if he is getting money from Parents then your sister is being taken for a ride. If not then he's pretty much always going to be struggling for money. I agree though some money spent socialising is essential for his health and well-being as a student, otherwise his life would be sheer drudgery.

Original poster

sutei · 13/04/2012 20:01

norfolkinchance- He doesn't get any money from our parents and I think she is just lending him the money

OP posts:

maggio · 13/04/2012 20:16

YABVU your DH is dead right, how long will it be until he's got the begging bowl out again. He should face up to the consequences of his actions and if that means he suffers then it will ensure he doesn't do it again. Too many people are reckless then blame the evil loan people for giving them higher interest rates, whilst their problems lie closer to home.

rekite · 13/04/2012 20:24

YANBU Everyone makes mistakes and its good to have family who will help you rectify them. My friend bailed her brother when he was a similar age, she made him tell her the username and password to his online banking so she could monitor him and ensure he doesn't do it again. I think this is is the most humiliating thing I've heard someone do to another family member.

Kayano · 13/04/2012 20:27

He is 19...

He
Could be married with a child and mortgage. People play the 'but he is young' card far too much

I'm with your DH and your brother should have been spoken to without being taken out on someone else!

gnesher · 13/04/2012 20:35

YANBU I find it odd when people suggest people should be denied help to teach them a lesson, why would anyone want to just stand aside and let people suffer particulary members of your own family. If she hadn't done this then he'd have to pay the loan and the interest which would leave him with even less money and it would be a distraction of his studies as well as potentially cause him stress and anxiety.

aiton · 13/04/2012 20:47

Does your DH have a heart of stone? Inaction could very well lead to him to getting into a debt spiral, would he,you or your sister be happy to stand back and allow him to get into all the problems that that involves. He may have genuine reasons for his situation or he may have been profiligate but show mw someone who claims to not have made mistakes and I'll show you a liar.

aiton · 13/04/2012 20:56

rekite- Thats awful

MissFaversham · 13/04/2012 20:57

Hmmm. My partner did this for his son (he's 21) on my recommendation. I tend to think like you and your sister. He went and did it again so his dad paid it off once more but took him to the bank and made him set up a standing order to pay it back.

Only reason he paid it off again was due to the fact that yes, these companies are total sharks regarding interest.

Fingers crossed he's learned his lesson huh.

Kayano · 13/04/2012 20:58

The DH wasn't saying that help should be denied, but maybe the sister shouldn't then take the brother out.

Is is sort of like rewarding shit money management

scarletforya · 13/04/2012 21:03

Sorry YABU. I totally agree with your husband. How are people supposed to learn from experience if they are not allowed feel the consequences of their actions?

19 is time enough to learn that if you borrow you have to pay back!!

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