Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to find my DH mean and heartless at times

53 replies

sutei · 13/04/2012 19:42

My brother took out a payday loan to cover him until his next installment of his student loan, my sister found out about it yesterday(he left his email open on her laptop). She paid off the payday loan and she is taking him our for dinner tonight because she wants to talk to him and to tell him not to suffer in silence again. When I told DH he laughed and said that he won't learn anything and that by being taken out he is benefitting from his irresponsibility and that my sister is a classic example of a fool and her money being easily parted.
I think that she did the right thing as he is only young (19) and that these companies appear to pray on the vulnerable (although I only know what I've seen in adverts).

OP posts:

SauvignonBlanche · 13/04/2012 21:18

I watched a documentary the other day (Kelly and her Sisters) where a young woman took out a £50 payday loan which spiralled to £900!
Yeah, that'd teach him, wouldn't it?

ilovesooty · 13/04/2012 21:38

If you're 19 and at university you ought to be capable of understanding the pitfalls of payday loans. I think your husband was realistic rather than heartless.

bnad · 13/04/2012 22:07

Your husband is dead right by doing what she is doing she is treating him like a child, what is she going to do if he does it again and the not wanting to him to suffer in silence is ridiculous as it suggests that his problems were caused by anyone but himself and his recklessness and immaturity.

gnoll · 13/04/2012 23:50

I can't believe how uncaring some people can be, would you really leave your own family to drown in debt? Do you think he enjoyed applying for a payday loan or having his sister confront him and bail him out?
I think a lot people must have perfect lives and never make mistakes. As for taking him out, why not she clearly wants to strengthen her bond with him as she doesn't want him running to exploitative loan companies. Should families not stick together?

lisad123 · 13/04/2012 23:53

Imnwoth your dh. His an adult, he needs to learn to budget better and his big sister bailing him out isn't helpful at all.

lisad123 · 13/04/2012 23:54

I also don't think it's heartless. She could have helped him out without paying his bills and taking him out for dinner.

Thetokengirl · 14/04/2012 00:00

Am I being cynical in wondering if he left his laptop open in purpose? Sorry if I am.
I think I'm going to get splinters from sitting on the fence, but whilst I think it was a nice thing to do, I also think he needs some money management advice and needs to know he isn't going to continue to get free hand outs.

SkinnedAlive · 14/04/2012 00:03

Sometimes you just can't budget though. Money doesn't come from no-where and with some courses it isn't possible to work lots of hours and study. If the boy was going hungry for days on end I can understand him being desperate enough to take out a loan like this. When you are cold and hungry all common sense goes out the window :(

blackeyedsusan · 14/04/2012 00:14

he needs to lean to budget and go without the things he ants til he can afford them. your husband has a point.

Whatmeworry · 14/04/2012 09:35

DH is a realist, Sis is an optimist, brother will fall again the next time.

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 10:01

I don't think people realise just how little students have to live on now. They get nothing in the holidays. My son got about £1700 to last from 9th January to 9th May. His rent is £75 per week so rent alone for that period is £1200. Bills are on top - everything - water, electricity, the lot.

I would hope he would have the sense to know not to use payday loans but he's still only very young - yes, people can marry at that age but surely nobody would think that was a good idea?

I think your sister's done the right thing and I hope she goes through his finances with him. If she hadn't, the amount of interest would be astronomical and would have a huge knock on effect on how much he got for next term.

Your husband sounds horrible, tbh.

linioj · 14/04/2012 10:35

YABU he's almost certainly taking her for a ride as he'll probably be out of money again as he will have learnt nothing from this occaison other than his sister is a soft touch and a sucker, the don't suffer in silence line makes me want to vomit. Whilst I wouldn't say that you should relish seeing family members in trouble, you should understsnd that going through experiences such as this will set them up for life.

terreta · 14/04/2012 11:07

Does he have you like a puppet on a string as well OP? He goes go out spends all his money and then sets up his sisters laptop in order to take advantage of her gullability and get some money that will probably be squandered again. Your DH isn't mean mean, he's just a realist whilst your sister and you by the sound of it are fantasist. He's avoid the shock and consequences of his irresponsibility.

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 11:30

Sometimes people just don't have enough money. I was laughing at "He goes out and spends all his money" - he'll hardly have any money ffs.

terreta · 14/04/2012 11:48

If he doesn't have enough moneyy then he needs to increase his working hours or cut down on any discretionary child not run to his like a small child.

terreta · 14/04/2012 11:49

run to his sister

bringmesunshine2009 · 14/04/2012 12:14

He didn't ask her to pay! He hasn't asked for a handout! She did it off her own back! If that's more the fool her so be it, but don't criticise him for something she didn't ask him to do!

bringmesunshine2009 · 14/04/2012 12:14

*he didn't ask her to do. Whoops

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 14/04/2012 12:19

I think for a first time offence, that the financial assistance and gentle education is the best approach, so to be hard from the offset is a little cold.

Oakmaiden · 14/04/2012 12:33

of course, what nobody commenting on here knows is how much he borrowed and what he was planning to do with it....

Birdsgottafly · 14/04/2012 12:54

If she is offering him help with budgeting, then that is the right thing to do.

Only you know his over all finances. We have just had student placements end, some were part funded by family, or was helped by clothes being bought for them, others really struggled and felt for them.

Part time jobs are disappearing in many places, the pubs are closing, many traditional jobs for students don't exsist anymore.

If i had a relative who was trying their best, but struggling, i would always help.

These companies prey on the desperate, i wouldn't let one of my relatives get that desperate, as long as it wasn't for drugs etc.

Almostfifty · 14/04/2012 13:01

For crying out loud, he's 19! He's not aware of all the slip ups there are at that age, it takes years to get yourself that aware.

My eldest took out an insurance policy when he was 18. He was advised it was a good idea, so did it. It was only when we pointed out that we would be the only ones to benefit if he died, and that we'd not really want that, that he cancelled it.

I think the sister's done the best thing. I'd hate it if my sons were in debt and didn't think they could come to us for help. I'm not saying it's right to always bail people out, but advice from family is surely the best way.

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 13:38

Terreta, you say, "If he doesn't have enough moneyy then he needs to increase his working hours or cut down on any discretionary child not run to his like a small child."

I don't know what you mean by cutting down on discretionary children, but even so, do you realise how unreasonable you sound?

Have you been to university and tried to manage on the loan and a part time job?

fridakahlo · 14/04/2012 13:58

I think that what your sister did in this situation was the right thing. Obviously if it becomes a habit then at some point the bailing him out will have to stop but as a one off with a lesson on budgeting thrown in, I think it is a lovely thing to do and hopefully what any family member would do to support a sibling they loved and wanted to see suceed.

Oakmaiden · 14/04/2012 13:59

I don't really understand why so many people seem to think it is morally "wrong" to help out a young family member financially?

Is it jealousy because they were forced to "get by" without help at the same age?

Surely there are lots of 19 year olds being bankrolled by the bank of Mum and Dad who in a few years time will be sensible and financially responsible members of society. Just as there ar 19 year olds who are forced to cope alone (for "their own good"?) who will never learn to be sensible with money.

Flip

1 2 3