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Original poster

To not be able to get over this and to end a 10 year friendship?

37 replies

Aworryingtrend · 13/04/2012 12:36

I will try and make this as brief as possible, there's so much to say!

I am happily pregnant after 18 months TTC. My good friend knew we were TTC as when she asked me to be her bridesmaid for her wedding in October I apologetically declined as I explained I would hopefully either be pregnant or have a newborn.

I get pregnant and the baby is due in October, a week after friend's wedding. I break this to friend as gently as possible but she starts acting very strangely (I did post on here about someof the things she did) including ringing me especially to tell me about a friends MC at 12 weeks, suggesting I start doing an Ab Blast exercise DVD and insisiting on organising a birthday party for me- when I would be 36 weeks pregnant.

I was due to visit friend for a weekend (to do wedding-related things) and 3 days before we were due to go I started bleeding. Thankfully we had a scan and all was ok but obviously it gave me a scare and I was feeling very vulnerable. I ummed and ahhed as to whether to go but went anyway as I wanted to support her in her wedding plans and also thought it may take my mind of things.

The weekend was an unmitigated disaster- too much happened to go into detail but friend behaved appallingly including starting an arguament because she wanted to organise me a baby shower (I don't want her to), accusing me of putting on weight and not letting me have an extra biscuit, teling me my morning sickness was all in my head and la piece resistance- telling me "not to get too excited about the baby, as anything could happen".

In addition friend also told me her wedding would be 'ruined' if I wasn't there, she will be in tears on the day if I am not there and it won't feel like her wedding if I am not there'.

The weekend ends badly, she sort of apologises but not in what I would call a fullsome way and she continues to text me as normal. I then send a very polite email saying I am having trouble getting over what she has done and I need some space. She rings me and isn't happy but eventually understands she says.

However a week later she then resumes texting me on a daily basis, no mention of anything that happened just chit chat. I still cannot get over what happened but I simply havent the strength to have it out with her again. They are also due to come and visit us in May and I sinmply cannot get past what she has done.

Please help as I just don't know what to do next. I'm sorry this is so long. Thank you.

OP posts:
Sarcalogos · 13/04/2012 12:41

She behaved badly. It is up to you if you decide to 'get over it' or not.

I think I would forgive her but distance myself. If she continued I would not go to the wedding. If she tells you you HAVE to be there again, point out tat only her and her d(to be)h Have to be there...

wannaBe · 13/04/2012 12:43

weddings bring out the worst in people, pregnancy brings out the worst in people.

She sounds as if she was insensitive, but if she apologised then tbh I think that you were a bit petty to then tell her you can't get over what she's said.

JeanBodel · 13/04/2012 12:45

She is behaving very strangely.

Has she had any difficulties in this area? Has she possibly had a MC, or been TTC but not been able to do so? It seems as though your pregnancy, for some reason, is making her react emotionally and therefore behave irrationally.

totallyskint · 13/04/2012 12:46

God how horrible for you.

You mustn't have them to visit in May, you just can't. At this point you need to focus on yourself and your pregnancy which means, given her awful attitude, staying clear of her.

If, in time, she is able to win back your friendship, fine, maybe they can come to visit some time. But not now.

You need to tell her the visit is off. You know the visit would be awful, and you are already feeling stressed by the prospect of it so you need to get it sorted.

You did well to tell her via email and phone how you felt. Stay with that. Email or phone her again, whichever you are most comfortable with, and explain that you are not ready for a visit, that you are deeply hurt and you need more space.

At this point she simply has to back off. Whether or not it affects her wedding plans is her problem and absolutely of her own making.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, she has been beyond ghastly.

margoandjerry · 13/04/2012 12:49

If I may say so, telling her you couldn't be a bridesmaid because you would either be pg or with a newborn so far in advance was a bit odd. Have you both become a bit pre-occupied with your respective big plans for this year?

To be fair to you, you actually would struggle to be a bridesmaid at this point so you were right but accidentally. She'll have to face the fact that you might not be at her wedding and if you do make it you'll either be heavily pg or with a newborn. I've done both and it's not at all fun but if you care about your friend you'll turn up and look excited and make a quiet exit when you can.

It sounds to me as though you are both trying to steal each other's thunder.

redexpat · 13/04/2012 12:50

Well I guess it comes down to how badly do you want to keep the friendship? If you want to then you'll have to communicate to her somehow (letter?) that her behaviour and the things she said really upset you and until she acknowledges it she won't be hearing from you.

Frankly it sounds like a major cock up on her part, and she would have to have been a really good friend beforehand for me to continue the relationship with her.

ENormaSnob · 13/04/2012 12:51

She sounds like an absolute arse hole imo.

LeQueen · 13/04/2012 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 13/04/2012 12:57

I agree re telling her you couldn't be a bridesmaid because you would either be pg or have a newborn.

Actually, it sounds to me as if she has perhaps been having issues ttc/had a miscarriage maybe hence her reaction. I am always a bit Hmm about people who claim they will have a baby by x date or be pregnant by y event, because life just isn't like that and in a world where an awful lot of people struggle to conceive the reality is that pregnancy and babies rarely happen as we plan them.

Bogeyface · 13/04/2012 13:00

You seem to be playing "my event is more important than your event" and both losing.

As far as she is concerned, her wedding trumps your baby because....well its her wedding! She is disappointed that you arent going to be her BM and is probably jealous and thinking you are stealing her thunder.

As far as you are concerned, having a baby is a far bigger event than getting married, and she should be supportive at this time in your life, but you dont seem to get that it is your baby and isnt the most important thing in everyones elses life too.

She shouldnt have said what she did about miscarriage etc (but I too wonder if she has had issues in that area herself, seems an odd thing to say otherwise) but regarding the biscuits etc, perhaps she was trying to be funny. You need to try and be less sensitive and put it down to a lack of understanding from someone who has no idea what its like to have a baby.

Bridezilla V PFB, its never going to end well! Forgive, forget and move on.

RandomMess · 13/04/2012 13:01

Most women look forward to their wedding day being all about them and their dh and she had in mind this with you their supporting her. You clearly (and understably) have been and now are focused on having a baby by then.

She has behaved appallingly but I think through disappointment and having her limelight a bit stolen?

Please try and forgive her - the friendship may have to change but we're all human and all make mistakes?

Original poster
Aworryingtrend · 13/04/2012 13:05

Thanks everyone for your input, it really is valuable as yes I have been wondering how much I may be blowing things out of proportion due to my hormones.

The reason I declined being a bridesmaid was that we were due to start Clomid the month after, so whilst I didn't want to count chickens, the chances of being pregnant were quite high (the problem was that I wasn't been and Clomid makes you ovulate). I should have said that she and I live 4 hours away from each other which would have made dress fittings tricky if I was heavily pregnant/had newborn.

My friend hasn't had any TTC or MC issues- in fact she always declared quite stridently she didn't want children, although know she has met her fiance they plan to start TTC straight after the wedding.

I honestly don't want to play 'my event is bigger than your event', really I don't. I'm not like that in fact of the two of us i have always been the very placid drama-free one. I just don't want to be treated the way I was when i was feeling so vulnerable and to have it brushed over. I think if I had had a proper apology plus the space I asked for I would be getting voer it by now, but its the fact she has disregarded those wishes that is really stressing me out and wonder about the future of our friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aworryingtrend · 13/04/2012 13:08

Should have said "due to start Clomid the month after she asked me to be BM..."

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/04/2012 13:10

I really don't think she has any concept of how vulnerable your feeling, she's not had fertility treatment, she's not been pregnant, didn't previously want children.

Perhaps she thought the idle chit chat was a way of smoothing things over.

I think it's a huge element of ignorance/thoughtlessness on her behalf.

Losingitall · 13/04/2012 13:14

She sounds a bit jealous to me!

Rezolution · 13/04/2012 13:15

Aworrying Put yourself and your treatment before everything else. Give it your best shot, whatever happens. Fancy dresses and other people's weddings pale into insignificance next to a successful pregnancy.
I remember going to my cousin's wedding under very difficult circumstances (for me not her) because I didn't want to let her down. Within a year they had split up and within another year she had dropped me. Put yourself first.
And good luck with Clomid. Thanks

Safire · 13/04/2012 13:16

I don't get this 'thunder being stolen' stuff, OP isn't even going to be at this wedding! Honestly I have been bridesmaid a few times and in my exerience the bride expects full on commitment from you, bridezilla or not, it really is all about her where the bridesmaids arre concerned and quite rightly so IMHO, after all isn't that what they're there for, to suport her selflessly? (According to the bride anyway :o. I think OP did exactly the right thing to let herfriend know well in advance that she would not be able to offer that commitment and that should have been the end of it. She can't be the only available friend, surely? Everybody's life doesn't stop just because you're getting maried fgs, likewise if you have a baby. Friend needs to get over herself.

OP, distance yourself if ou feel you must, I know I would.

namechangingagain · 13/04/2012 13:17

I think you may feel differntly after the baby comes and you shouldnt make any decisions now, there is a chance hormones and pregnancy are coming into play, there is a chance they arent.

Make your decision after baby arrives and not before.

xx

Chubfuddler · 13/04/2012 13:19

I couldn't get past the harping on about other peoples mcs and wanting the op to take up aerobics in early pregnancy. Sounds almost like she wanted you to have a mc so you wouldn't be pregnant at her wonderful wedding. I'd dump her.

ivanapoo · 13/04/2012 13:27

Why don't you want a birthday celebration/baby shower incidentally? If a friend tried to organise one for me I would think it was a nice thing to think of, certainly not a reason to end a friendship!

Re biscuits I think she's either trying to make a joke - I have done this with pregnant friends before (with bumps) - made lame jokes about how they must have had a big curry last night (I'm hilarious me)

Or, you have put on an alarming amount of weight and she is rather tactlessly pointing it out because she is concerned for your health?

Re: MC, maybe if this happened to another friend it really freaked her out and she is scared of it happening to you, and not realising she could actually really upset you by mentioning it. She sounds quite young, or immature.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that she's probably stressed, being a bit selfish and thoughtless as a result and can't fully appreciate what it's like for you at the moment. I certainly don't think she's an arsehole or a bad person from what you have said.

If you actually like her, give your next meeting a go, go into it with a positive attitude, show your friend some love and I'm sure you'll get some back. Noone is perfect.

Lambzig · 13/04/2012 13:30

It is a tricky one. First of all congratulations.

Its horrid to feel so vulnerable. Like you, I was ttc for ages and spent my whole pregnancy terrified.

I also blush to remember being quite miffed that a friend of my DH and his wife said they would love to come, but...about accepting our wedding invitation as their baby was due the week after (they came and she was 39 weeks pregnant - what a trooper) because I was a bit wedding obsessed and just didnt understand.

The problem is that people say the most awful things about miscarriage to you without meaning to be horrid at all - I had it from clients, relatives and friends who would tell the most awful stories, none of malicious.

Her saying her wedding would be ruined without you is actually a compliment to your friendship, even though it feels like bullying at the moment.

It sounds like she is making the effort. Maybe you can just try to resume the friendship and keep her at arms length a little bit so that you dont feel too vulnerable.

ivanapoo · 13/04/2012 13:31

Also want to add - I think she might be projecting her fears onto you.

Eg she is scared of putting weight on, maybe during pregnancy

She is scared of the thought of MC

She is scared no-one will want to throw her a baby shower if she had one/ she doesn't feel she's getting enough bride attention

Original poster
Aworryingtrend · 13/04/2012 13:35

Chubfuddler- you have said exactly what the little voice in my head has been saying for weeks. I haven't dared voice it to anyone else even DH but yes when I look at her actions and words everythign points to this and I know this is why I can't move on.

Ivan I do really want a babyshower and birthhday celebaration- I just don't want her to organise them! As by the time she insisted offered to do these, she had already been acting so strangely that I didn't feel comfortable having her do this.

OP posts:
hellymelly · 13/04/2012 13:36

Is she childless? She sounds jealous and rather threatened by the pregnancy. Maybe she is secretly scared that your friendship will change (it will, but not insurmountably). I agree with Ivan that she also seems to be throwing her issues (weight etc, I mean, no biccies..wtf? ) onto you. I would keep a bit of distance, but also try to ask her why she seems to be dealing with things so badly. Is she usually very needy of attention? Is she feeling your baby will take the focus away from her wedding?

swallowedAfly · 13/04/2012 13:38

i would say bluff your way through the friendship for now - big things are happening with both of you and i reckon it's worth holding out till after the baby is born and after she's married and you are both on more of an even keel and seeing how things are then.

i'm a bit trigger happy with friendships - have just written people out of my life on numerous occasions for things i thought i couldn't get over and put principles ahead of friendship i guess. try and give it some time - this may be a hiccup.