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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be incredibly pissed with daughter losing Kindle and hiding the fact for a week

57 replies

Chicky2 · 12/04/2012 21:58

My DD who is 11 was taken to Eurodisney by her grandparents the week before Easter. They travelled by coach and it was an long journey, so she took her kindle which was a birthday present in August. She managed to leave it on the coach, she probably realised she'd done this as soon as she got back (she also left her Mickey Mouse ears on the coach) but she kept quiet about the Kindle until yesterday when I asked her where it was as I hadn't seen it for a while. Now we're trying to track it down with the travel company, with little success unfortunately.
I feel there has to be some sanctions/ punishment for this, as she is so airy fairy with her belongings it drives me to distraction, but what would be reasonable?

OP posts:

LadyWidmerpool · 13/04/2012 03:54

But the PE kit wasn't a present.

You wouldn't punish an adult for losing a piece of their own property so why punish a child? No replacement, no sanctions - it was hers, she didn't take care of it, now she doesn't have it. It's a life lesson in taking responsibility.

mathanxiety · 13/04/2012 04:10

Children aged 10 to 12 would forget their heads if they weren't attached at the neck. I am in the thick of that phase right now with DC5. Homework dramas due to forgotten books are neverending. She wails 'But I FORGOTTTTTTT!' when I start reprimanding her, and still doesn't see that forgetting is the entire problem, and not the excuse. This is my fifth time to go through this. Apologies for the rant.

It's too late now for punishment, and surely loss of the kindle is punishment enough anyway. Don't let the GPs replace it.

Never let a child under 14 take anything of value with them anywhere.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/04/2012 05:31

The PE kit is a great example. It is essential and has to be replaced. The kindle isn't essential and doesn't need to be. She will learn IF she then doesn't have a kindle and her Hunger Games and maybe the GPs don't spoil her so much.

sashh · 13/04/2012 05:59

I agree with the 'she's already been punished' side. If you lost something would you expect to be punished?

Goldenbear · 13/04/2012 07:16

Loosing the item is punishment enough! It was a gift to your daughter not you. Adults loose things and the only consequence is the loss of that item. I think there's something very mean in using your position of authority as her mother to add to her upset over this. She didn't tell you for a week because she was scared. I would hate to think my daughter couldn't tell me the truth over the loss of a material possession- it doesn't bear well for the future when she may have real problems that she won't seek your help on!

On a side note you sound pretty ungrateful yourself. Your parents take your daughter to Euro Disney and you're 'always upset with them'?

Original poster

Chicky2 · 13/04/2012 08:09

Don't open that can of worms Goldenbear, my parents are always spoiling her, it's become an issue, we'll say she can't have something, give DD her due she takes that, but then GPs hear about it and rush off to get it for her. The DS that got broken was a gift from them, after me and hubby had said she couldn't have one as she wasn't responsible enough to look after it.
The Euro Disney trip was lovely for her, but they do spoil her terribly. I wouldn't be surprised if they bought her another Kindle!

OP posts:

ClaireFromWork · 13/04/2012 08:21

What will you do uf they buy her another Kindle?

ClaireFromWork · 13/04/2012 08:21

MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain · 13/04/2012 08:24

Slightly OT, but give Amazon kindle support a call and see what they suggest -they were very helpful when I called. Now you have de-registered it, the new 'owner' can register it to their account (I had to get a previous owner to de-register an ebay one with broken screen before I could do anything with it, ebay wouldn't even entertain me when it was registered to someone else's account, and because of screen I couldn't get any details from it or register from the kindle itself etc) - Amazon may be able to trace/block it if someone else does try to use it ...

Mrsrobertduvall · 13/04/2012 08:34

You need to sit down with your parents and tell them your dd is not responsible enough to have anything expensive.
You need to sit down with your dd and tell her that if she'd told gps about the kindle, something could have been done and possibly the kindle recovered.

And make her go to the library.
Is she yr 6 or 7?
She'll have to up her game at secondary school.

Goldenbear · 13/04/2012 08:42

A lot of grandparents like to indulge their grandchildren- how exactly is that her fault? It isn't!

You sound like you're punishing her to prove something to your parents, they don't listen to you about providing these gifts, you will make your point heard, that it is spoiling her by punishing her, demonstrating to your parents that you are indeed correct about it spoiling her because she has become so complacent. You just sound like your taking back the control in a perverse way as I know many people whose first thought regarding their parents taking their child to Euro Disney would be, 'that's very kind' not, 'you're spoiling her'!

McFluffster · 13/04/2012 08:44

How annoying.

I'd also say that losing it was punishment enough. I don't replace non essential things my children lose and if I have to i.e. in the case of the P.E. kit they get bog standard replacements from Asda/Tesco etc wherever possible as I hate paying out twice for things.

HellonHeels · 13/04/2012 08:47

While I can see it's annoying that she seems irresponsible, haven't you wondered why she waited a week to tell you? No doubt she was in fear of you and your reaction - with good reason, going by your post here. Is that really the relationship you want with your daughter?

IMO she's been punished enough by no longer having the kindle or her books.

DaisySteiner · 13/04/2012 08:53

I'd be more worried about why my 11 year old child felt they couldn't own up to losing something, than anything else tbh.

Original poster

Chicky2 · 13/04/2012 08:58

I haven't punished her, have you not read that bit, I'm trying to find a way that will get across to her that she needs to look after things better. I'm at a loss how to do it, so asked for advice, she's not had a bollocking or been in any trouble, but as the kid is a one girl Bermuda Triangle and loses nearly everything I'm at my wits end.
And as for the waiting a week, don't we all bury our heads in the sand and hope it'll go away.

OP posts:

DaisySteiner · 13/04/2012 09:08

Yes, sometimes, when I dread the consequences of something. You punished her for accidentally dropping her DS last year, something which could happen to anyone yet you chose to punish her for it.

I don't get why you think that some form of sanction will do a better job of getting through to her more than the loss of the item itself. And she's just a child - to a certain extent things like being more responsible and careful with belongings come with experience and maturity. A Kindle on a coach trip was too much responsibility for an 11 year old, so no reason to punish/sanction/whatever you want to call it.

wellwisher · 13/04/2012 09:10

YANBU but I think the loss of the Kindle is punishment enough. Do your parents know? I would insist that they don't buy her a replacement...

ClaireFromWork · 13/04/2012 09:29

I really feel for you OP. My DD is like this too. She's younger than yours but in her own world, drops stuff, forgets stuff, loses stuff, spills anything liquid etc etc. it's infuriating and I worry for her as she's moving up to Juniors next term and at our school it is very much like a secondary school (classes in different rooms therefore needing to take what you need with you etc) and she's going to really struggle.

TattyDevine · 13/04/2012 09:35

I'm with the others who think it is punishment enough - basically, I'm a big believer in "natural consequences" where applicable and its served me well so far though I don't have teens/tweens yet. It is imperative that the GP's don't buy her another one though, you need to make that clear with them.

The beauty of this is its not something she "needs" for school like a piece of school uniform, or her glasses, or anything like that - that's tricky because you have to replace important items like that, but this does not ever really need to be replaced.

Nothing will teach her to gather her belongings more than something she really liked being gone forever. And the lesson about "time is of the essence" with regards to coming clean and ringing up travel companies etc has probably also been demonstrated.

janelikesjam · 13/04/2012 09:40

I know its annoying but it can't be helped, bet she was upset too. Even adults lose things. Why wouldn't she tell you straight away, was she bit frightened to?

HellonHeels · 13/04/2012 09:40

But you say you do want to punish her:

I feel there has to be some sanctions/ punishment for this, as she is so airy fairy with her belongings it drives me to distraction

Is DD upset about the loss of the kindle? Is she much interested in material items?

Original poster

Chicky2 · 13/04/2012 09:48

Not punish so much as try and instill in her that she needs to take more care of her stuff. She does have the attitude that Mum will just get her another one, which we obviously have to do when it's PE kit or her train pass that she loses. She's in year 7 now and has been in trouble at school as well for losing/misplacing stuff and I just despair about how to get her to be more mindful of her things. I was hoping someone would have a magic trick that would sort it all out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chicky2 · 13/04/2012 09:50

The other issue is that there are a lot of books on the Amazon server that have been bought and paid for and can't be accessed without a Kindle, bloody nightmare!

OP posts:

homeaway · 13/04/2012 09:51

IMO there are more important things in life than losing a kindle. Yes you are bound to be cross but it was hers to lose in the first place. My dd (18) has a habit of losing things but through life's experience is getting better. She bought herself a new ipod 2 years ago with her money and promptly dropped it and smashed the screen, it still works and she still uses it every day. I would be so sad if my kids at that age could not tell me that they had lost something . Everybody can lose things even the most organised of people . It is just a possession , she had fun with her grandparents and she will cherish that memory for a long time.

Emmielu · 13/04/2012 09:54

Why should the GP's replace it? You let her take it with her on holiday didnt you? Maybe she didnt tell you to start with because she didnt want you being angry with her until you tracked down the Kindle? Maybe she doesnt like the awkward "its all my fault" feeling. Dont replace the kindle, maybe suggest she saves up for it? But do suggest calmly that she looks after her things. She may just be a clumsy girl.

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