Can I have some perspective before I tell my neighbour to piss off

[pud1]

i live in an apartment block of 12 flats with communal gardens. I get on with all the neighbours but the women next door is driving me insane. I will give you some examples of what she is like
On a weekly basis she gets up early to put every ones bins out. A few weeks ago I was outside at about 7ish to find her going through my bottle bin. When i asked her what she was doing she started having a go at me about the cardboard in my bottle bin. I explained that I had put it there to keep it dry and I was planning on pulling it out for the bin men as it would not fit I the small paper box we have and I didn't want to have to drag soggy cardboard out. She then proceeded to lecture me on the fact that it should not be in the bottle bin in the first place. In the end I politely told her that it was none of her business.
She often pulls my Dds aged 2 and 4 for doing things like putting there hands on the Walls in the hall way. I know kids hand can be sticky and dirty but they have had clean hands on these occasions and have never marked the Walls. Tbh she has had a go about so many little things I have lost count.
Then today my Dds were playing outside with 2 friends and I had let them chalk on the path. I was on the phone when she came over an dtoldnthem to stop chalking as it makes a mess and then had a go at one of there friends for leaving an Easter egg box on the floor. He was sat next to it and ha d not even finished eating it. I had drawn a hop scotch grid and she picked up the stones they were playing with and chucked them in a bush. I was sat about 10 yards away but was on the Phone. I put the phone down and asked what was wrong and informed her that it was only chalk and I would clear it up when that had finished playing.

What annoys me about her is that she adresses the kids and not me and her manner is quite frightening for young children. She makes me feel that I have no right to let the kids play in the communal garden. I am aways polite to her because I don't want to be fighting with the neighbours. When she is not having a go we chat and she is perfectly nice but then she turns. She makes me feel like a pushover as I just let her have a go but I am close to snapping.

You need to REALLY tell her...she's bullying you and if you ask me your mistake is in even discussig what she was doing in your bin...personally I would have slammed the lid on her hands and told her to get off my property before I called the police. She could have been looking for personal papers?

Don't chat to her...or if you MUST then stamp on any bullying as soon as it begins....stick to phrases like "Back off now....talk to ME not them." If she approaches the kids again, step up to her and say "
It's not your job to tell them off...move away."

We had a neighbour like this. She made us living there hell. My mum and dad were very relieved when she got a new home.

Urgh, YANBU, tell her to piss off

I know I am being a wimp which is so not like me. I am scared of confrontation with a 68 year old women but her manner is so belittling. Will you all come round an tell her to bugger off

I would go and draw all over the pavement and wait!! Stand up very tall and look her in the eye when you talk and away when she does, just a little as in look inot the middle distance....this will give the message that you are in charge.

You have to be careful not to escalate this.

Fact is the woman is like she is, so meeting like with like isn't going to make her any different, it could make it worse.

I would keep any dealings I had with her as bland as fuck, no need to upset yourself because you've done nothing wrong.

Just say general but assertive things to her, make it clear (as you seem to have been doing) that while she is entitled to her opinion she has no authority over you or your children. You can choose to change whatever it is you're doing that she says is upsetting her, but she can't make you.

There was a thread not long ago about someone getting uppity about children chalking on the path, I was surprised by the amount of people who don't like it, I thought it was a normal and nice thing to see children doing.

You need to tell her to fuck off yourself, she's a 68 year old woman, what's the worst the nosy old cow can do to you?

She has no right to bully you or your children, she only does it because they are too young to fight back and you are too passive, bet she doesn't lecture the local scumbags...

I know she is a bully. She is always ultra nice to my oh. I wish she would have a go at him as he would have no problem with telling her to fuck off

She won't though because she senses that he will not tolerate her bullshit. Could you get him to politely tell her the next time he sees her to 'please stop the fake smiling you are nasty to my partner and young children and you owe them an apology.'

I know that for a nice, quiet person it may seem impossible to stand up for yourself but you would feel so much better if you could muster the courage to say it yourself to the bitch. Maybe you could build up the rage over how her bullying affects your children? Might help with building aggression.

And what if being aggressive with the woman just results in her being even more aggressive bobble?

How does that help the OP live near her?

I would go to local neighbourhood police officer and say she is intimidating and frightening your children.

A visit from the police may cure the old bag.

She's 68, what's she going to do? Judo chop?

draw a big penis on the front of her flat. Failing that just tell her to sod off!

Tell her not to speak to your children again.
Tell her to stay away from your bins.

You don't have to shout, or get aggressive.

She's a bully.

Agent She's not exactly a threat though and she's not been agressive yet..just intimidating and bullying...OP...you nee to tell her to back off. She'll keep doing it otherwise and if your OH tells her then she'll go crying to the police about him harrassing an old lady.

Someone doesn't have to be physically aggressive to make a person living near them really stressed out bobble.

Look how the woman is making the OP feel now just by going on at her, ramping it up will...well...ramp it up, why would you advise the OP to make it worse?

Agent but the only way to stop bulllies is to quash them and I say this having been there and done it. If the OP trusts the authorities to sort this out then it's going to carry on as the woman has only done vague things...things which are upsetting but not crimes (apart from the bin thing!)

agent: I wasn't suggesting a fight, just a simple 'fuck off, mind your own business/leave my kids alone'. For gentle people, they need to build internal aggression because their natural reaction is to be passive, it's that passiveness which prevents op from standing up for herself, allowing herself to be angry enough will help her overcome that problem.

Hmmm. Well. I am not sure I agree with advice to tell an old woman to fuck off or speak otherwise roughly to her because she can't 'judo chop' you. Not being at risk of being 'judo chopped' should not define how we treat others, IMO.

She sounds like an elderly woman who is trying to exert some control over her immediate environment, control which perhaps she does not have in other areas of her life.

Perhaps you could speak to her and explain that you are meeting the regulations laid out for both the communal gardens and the bin men and would therefore appreciate her respecting your right to quiet enjoyment thereof. Further, although she may not realise it, her rebuking your children or ending their games physically is both inappropriate and intimidating and she should address remarks concerning genuine transgressions of the garden rules to you alone. Thanks for her understanding. Cup of tea? Lovely.

I know what you're saying Mary and bobble, and it's the first thing I thought of posting too.

But we don't live near this woman, and have to carry on living near her, but the OP does.

You hear these awful stories of people 'at war' with their neighbours, there really is nowt as funny as folk when you're a few doors down from them, some of them go to extraordinary lengths to harrass and bully their neighbours.

So anything that can stop a situation from getting to the point of no return should be tried before the Big Fuck Off IMO.

PosiePaques Im going to pinch your [Stand up very tall and look her in the eye when you talk and away when she does, just a little as in look inot the middle distance] next time I have a confrontation :o

With this woman I might do that - or I might opt for the scare (PA?) tactic of mentioning Alzheimers to her in a worried tone as she seems so very paranoid about little children which is ,of course, irrational ...

And as Mama says, it shouldn't matter, but the way it comes across if the woman was telling another person about it does mean something.

An older woman being berated by a younger one might make some people not ask what's behind it and just make assumptions about the situation favouring the 'poor helpless' older woman.

I think the only reasonable thing to do would be to draw a massive cock in chalk on the path.