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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think there is nothing wrong with my relationship and to just have walked away

77 replies

tiola · 12/04/2012 18:16

I've been going out with my boyfriend who is 11 years younger than me for 8 months. His sister has always been a little hostile towards me but today she invited me for lunch. After about 10 minutes she asked me to look at her and then asked me what do I see in him. I replied that I love him and his caring natures etc and she laughed and became really aggressive saying I must think she was born yesterday. She proceeded to go on about how I'm 33 and he's 22 and how she wasn't going to let me take advantage of him and wasn't going to let me use him as a trophy boy (I do not in any way think of him in this way). She then said I should end it with him or that she would. At this point I told her I wasn't going to be spoken to like that and got up and walked out although I felt like lamping her to be honest.

They had very harsh childhoods their dad walked out when he was only 4 months old and their mother was often absent down the pub and even abandoned them to go on holiday for a week with some guy. She in many ways raised him and looked after him so to an extent understand her concerns towards him. Besides doing this she qualified as a doctor and he's going to become an accountant and she played a very large part in this.

OP posts:

sleeplessinsuburbia · 13/04/2012 09:08

I have about the same age gap with my DH and met about the same ages. He is the most fabulous partner and father, we want the same things and we're very happy. I was once worried about what others would say but we actually look the same age and I wouldn't give a shit now!

Good luck!!!

alienreflux · 13/04/2012 09:11

really would like to know if you have kids, this may be an important factor in why she's worried, she's probably made masses of sacrifices to do so well for herself and also to make sure he does. so if she sees you as some sort of free rider, this could explain it. explain but certainly not excuse it. you need to tell him, if you havent already done so. but don't come across as 'this is what she said, isnt she a bitch' as she's a huge part of his life and rightly so, as his only real family. just explain and ask him what he thinks? in these situations its often only time that will make her relax. good luck! think ur gonna need it :o

wannaBe · 13/04/2012 09:18

I would wonder what a 33 year old would see in a 22 year old tbh.

And equally I would wonder wtf a 22 year old bloke would see in a 33 year old woman, and my conclusion would be that he was looking for a mother figure.

I also disagree that if the genders were reversed there wouldn't be an opinion on this. 22 year old with damaged childhood getting together with a man eleven years her senior? comment on here would IMO range from concern that she was seeking a father figure to questioning the motives of the man in terms of wanting to exploit a much younger woman than him and take advantage of her vulnerable state.

I don't think the sister had the right to behave the way she did, but I think that concerns are perfectly valid.

oldermummy11 · 13/04/2012 09:25

My DH is 10 years younger than me, he was 19 I was 29/30. At the time he gave me the attention I needed and my previous relationship had broken down so maybe I was on the rebound, anyhow we have been married for the last 18 years and have a DD. I think once everyone was over the shock it was OK and to look at us you can't really tell. It's like any other relationship, good and bad, don't let anyone put you off, if it's right the age difference won't even come into it.

destroyedluggage · 13/04/2012 09:31

Walking away was the right thing to do. I'd have a word with your boyfriend about it and then leave it to him. I wouldn't accept any further invitations from her without your partner being there as well.

How long the relationship would last is irrelevant. It's between the OP and her partner. The sister may well have valid concerns - which she can either keep to herself or discuss with her brother, if she must. She has no business telling the OP what to do.

Helltotheno · 13/04/2012 09:35

I would wonder what a 33 year old would see in a 22 year old tbh.

Err seriously?! I'm older than 33 and there are loads of 17 year olds early 20 yr olds I see that I think are gorge. That statement is a bit silly tbh. Lookswise and in other ways, early 30s is a prime age for women. The attraction doesn't surprise me at all.

And as for your other statement, that if the roles were reversed and the 22 year old were a female, eyebrows would be raised. I hardly think so. Straight off the bat, I can think of 5 relationships I know of where there's AT LEAST 11 years between the woman and the man and nobody batted an eyelid. For a man to be 11 years older is common or garden I would've thought.

OP I would tell your BF. Personally, I wouldn't be prepared to go through all that grief so I'd be asking him to make the decision. Yes of course he's looking for a mother replacement. But we all look in a partner for what was lacking in our childhoods so is it so surprising? It's as likely to work as any other relationship imo.

destroyedluggage · 13/04/2012 09:42

I would wonder what a 33-year-old woman sees in a 22-year-old man too. I would, however, realise it's none of my business and certainly wouldn't go behind my brother's back to be nasty to his girlfriend.

BalloonTwister · 13/04/2012 09:44

My DP is twelve years younger than me at 27.. .our dd is a year old in June and we've been together for 4 years. Age gaps can and do work OP, but you really need to raise this issue with your bf, and make him aware of his sister's comment about ending you relationship.

oldermummy11 · 13/04/2012 09:46

Helltotheno - I'm with you on this one!!!
I feel ashamed of myself sometimes, I look at much, much younger men and think just the same as you. I keep it to myself though!!!

Whatmeworry · 13/04/2012 10:11

I would wonder what a 33 year old would see in a 22 year old tbh.

Its more the other way round.

I think anyone who believes other family members will not say anything about a 22 yo going serious with a person 10 years older is being very naive.

I wish the OP would come back and answer re the children issue, to me it is the real watershed issue.

wannaBe · 13/04/2012 10:16

but it's one thing too look at someone and think they're gorgious, quite another to embark on an actual relationship with them, no?

Let's face it most 22 year olds are not the most mature creatures especially in relation to someone eleven years older than they are.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/04/2012 10:19

If you genuinely love him she should be able to see that, and be happy for him. It always baffles me to hear stories like this because I think if you love a friend or a memeber of your family, surely all you want for them is someone who will love them and treat them well. If a sister (or anyone) doesnt feel like that towards her brother, then I would think its more about her own issues than you or your relationship.

She would probably have a problem no matter who he was with. You just need to decide if you are prepared to share your man quite so much with a sister who seems to think she owns him.

StrandedBear · 13/04/2012 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FallenCaryatid · 13/04/2012 10:27

'surely all you want for them is someone who will love them and treat them well'

The sister feels that the OP wants a trophy boy, so she doubts that she will love him and treat him well. So she's thinking with her heart and not her head. She's risking the relationship with her brother because she feels she has to say something, he could well tell her to mind her own business as it's his decision who to be in a relationship with.
OP, do you socialise with mutual friends? Or your friends? Or his friends?
Do you go out as part of a group, or are you in a couples relationship that excludes others?

YouChangeWithTheWeather · 13/04/2012 10:28

How can the sister end her brother's relationship 'for him'?

How old is his sister, if she's already a qualified doctor?

Whatmeworry · 13/04/2012 10:58

I wonder what this post would look like, written from the sister's viewpoint. And what the reactions to it would be on here?

aiton · 13/04/2012 11:57

Its obvious why she would be concerned, despite what some say the age gap does throw up a load of potential problems. She also feels the OP's intentions are not good and thinks she is using him as a trophy boy which may be true or she may be used to seeing the worst in people as well as being fiercely protective of him. Whilst I wouldn't condone what she did I can see why she did, as it happens I think the OP handled it quite well by just walking away, getting involved in a row or "lamping" her would have made things much worse. You do need to talk to him about though, although it does need to be done delicately because he probably has strong feelings. This relationship has many potential pitfalls and will need work but if you think he's worth it OP then go for it and good luck.

FallenCaryatid · 13/04/2012 11:58

I wonder if the OP is going to bother returning and clarifying a few points that have been raised.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/04/2012 12:10

I don't see why it's obvious she woudo be concerned. My dh is ten years older than me and it's never been a problem, so why should it be a problem just because it's the man whose younger?

I also know a couple where the man is 15 years older than the woman, and the woman is 23. The only problems they have experienced have been other peoples perceptions. They adore each other and make a gorgeous couple. Her family are more than happy with it, simply because he treats her very well and it's obvious that he loves her. Not as a trophy,but because of who she is. I can see why people may be concerned if she was particularly immature but she has her head well screwed on and knows exactly what she is doing, so it's wrong to assume that she is somehow vulnerable just because of her age.

sleeplessinsuburbia · 13/04/2012 13:59

Some people look for worst case scenarios(sis), others look for positives(op).

If they're in love the op won't care what anyone here says. It would have been terrible if I listened to people who told me our age gap was too big and it wouldn't last. It actually helped me see how supportive and loving my friends and family are, they have only wished us well!

sudka1 · 13/04/2012 14:12

I met my husband at 18 and is 16 years older than me. My family weren't convinced until we got married. Luckily for me they looked at our relationship and how happy it made us - not our ages. 15 years and 2 beautiful children later we are stronger than ever. Age gaps do work.

Mumsyblouse · 13/04/2012 14:21

I'm with CalinDana, it's not ok for a sister to go round threatening to break up her brother's relationships. Yes, she might be concerned, worried about the age gap, but surely the sensible thing to have done would have been to had a nice lunch in which she rather subtlely spelled out her concerns rather than act all Eastenders.

This course of action by the sister will throw her brother and the OP together as star-crossed lovers, even if they are not.

You can't interfere with the adult relationships of others, even if you think them wildly unsuitable (which I don't agree a 22 year old man and a 33 year old woman are anyway).

AutumnSummers · 13/04/2012 14:25

the woman is clearly a bit dim. Judging your intentions based entirely on your age? Presumptuous at best, a bit psycho at worst.

FallenCaryatid · 13/04/2012 14:34

Presumably the sister has more information than the rest of us.
Like children involved? Series of failed relationships on the part of the OP? Knowledge of what it is like to come from a dysfunctional and abusive family, and how that makes you vulnerable to being exploited? The OP says that the sister practically raised her brother, so she probably is behaving like an over-protective parent.
We have a fragment of the story, presented to us by a complete stranger as the truth. There's a lot more to any situation than that.

alienreflux · 13/04/2012 18:15

indeedy fallencaryatid, and it looks like we're never going to bleeding find any of it out either!! mind you if i had a 22 year old bf i'd probably be too busy shagging to come on mn and update!!

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