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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think there is nothing wrong with my relationship and to just have walked away

77 replies

tiola · 12/04/2012 18:16

I've been going out with my boyfriend who is 11 years younger than me for 8 months. His sister has always been a little hostile towards me but today she invited me for lunch. After about 10 minutes she asked me to look at her and then asked me what do I see in him. I replied that I love him and his caring natures etc and she laughed and became really aggressive saying I must think she was born yesterday. She proceeded to go on about how I'm 33 and he's 22 and how she wasn't going to let me take advantage of him and wasn't going to let me use him as a trophy boy (I do not in any way think of him in this way). She then said I should end it with him or that she would. At this point I told her I wasn't going to be spoken to like that and got up and walked out although I felt like lamping her to be honest.

They had very harsh childhoods their dad walked out when he was only 4 months old and their mother was often absent down the pub and even abandoned them to go on holiday for a week with some guy. She in many ways raised him and looked after him so to an extent understand her concerns towards him. Besides doing this she qualified as a doctor and he's going to become an accountant and she played a very large part in this.

OP posts:

SodoffBaldrick · 12/04/2012 19:51

Personally?

I would speak to him, tell him I loved him and wanted to make it work but that no way was I coming between him and his family and then I would back right off. Right off.

If I'm that important to him, then the ball is in his court. And the sister could have zero grievance with me, and might actually feel a bit guilty about what she'd done, if the result was an unhappy brother.

If he doesn't fight - well, you have your answer.

paticker · 12/04/2012 19:52

She sounds like a loon, just tell her to button it. I reckon she always had a situation of her saying jump and him replying how high, she has probably asked him to end it and he has refused so now she is trying to drive you away.

GrahamTribe · 12/04/2012 19:52

I admire your dignity and restraint. I would have got up and left the restaurant too, but not before I told her to go fuck herself. I guess what matters from here is whether, when you tell your BF about his control-freak sister, he supports you 100% and he tells her to go fuck herself or whether he's willing to be dominated by her, in which case you deserve better. I hope his reaction's the first one.

solidgoldbrass · 12/04/2012 19:57

As to the sister, if you encounter her again, deal with her by being super-polite and saying that you understand she is looking out for her brother but you expect her to treat you with common courtesy. Enjoy your relationship with the man as long as it suits you both - but one thing not to do would be to try and Make It Work if you get fed up with him, just to prove a point to the sister.

Mishy1234 · 12/04/2012 20:07

I don't think you were unreasonable to walk out OP. She was rude and manipulative to trap you like that. She knew it was unlikely you would cause a huge scene (e.g- lambing her one!) in a public place, which was precisely why she chose a restaurant.

From the background you have given I can see why she's cautious. She's obviously made of strong stuff, having had a difficult upbringing but coming out with a very good career together with her brother.

I don't see anything wrong with the age difference at all. The only issue for me (if I were you IYSWIM) would be having children. He might not be ready for that as early as you. I know you're only 8 months in and it's early days and all that, but that's they only reason I can see for being careful regarding the age difference.

I would just let this go tbh and react calmly if she tries it again. Do your best not to be alone with her too. She sounds quite a difficult character!

mockingjay · 12/04/2012 20:07

Examples of couples who are still together despite a large age difference doesn't negate rekite's point - that the chances are good it won't work out. The chances of any given relationship not working out long term are low, add in a big age difference, the young age of one of the partners, and a possibly very controlling sister, and rekite has a point!

OP, I would totally ignore the sister. You know your intentions, tell them to your DP, and see where it goes.

I can see where the sister is coming from though. 22 is very young.

mockingjay · 12/04/2012 20:11

I think people would be batting an eyelid if it was the man who was 11 years older featherbag. I have this situation with my sister (DP is 12 yrs older), and I assure you people were concerned at the beginning.

diablagator · 12/04/2012 20:27

I have a brother who is 21 and would be concerned if he turned up with a 33 year old in tow. He's still very young and has had it tough by the sounds of it. He probably has no model of what a healthy relationship look like and she is used to looking out for him so its is always going to cause problems. I think posters who call her a nutter are out of order also, they sound to have a mixture of brother/sister and mother/son relationship and so she is always going to look out for him and this is no bad thing.

mockingjay · 12/04/2012 20:32

That's not to say you shouldn't stick with it if you are genuinely interested in him OP (sounds like you are!). But I think you should cut his sister some slack, and take on board that she may take some convincing.

wheredidiputit · 12/04/2012 20:36

I would say the chances are as he had a hard childhood he is more grown up then most 22yr as he has needed to.

Whatmeworry · 12/04/2012 20:39

Do you have children already OP? That is where IME famly get most concerned.

diablagator · 12/04/2012 20:49

whatmewoory- Thats another good point

unuat · 12/04/2012 21:07

YABU instead of just walking off you should have told her to get fucked. You need to talk to him as it seems you don't have much of a future with the wicked witch of the west interferring.

terreta · 12/04/2012 21:24

I agree with rekite I don't think most relationships with large age differences last and his sister is just seeking to protect him as she has done throughout his life.

Whatmeworry · 12/04/2012 21:31

I agree with rekite I don't think most relationships with large age differences last and his sister is just seeking to protect him as she has done throughout his life.

True dat. But everyone believes theirs will.....

terreta · 12/04/2012 21:39

Agreed Whatmeworry but if his sister is quite rationally minded which her career suggests then she's going to see that, throw in her protectiveness and you get what the OP received.

Lueji · 12/04/2012 22:40

TBH, and you know what your relationship is like, I'd be more worried if he saw me as a surrogate mother.

If not, then I guess that time will have to prove her wrong. There's probably nothing you can say that will change her mind.

Losingitall · 13/04/2012 07:54

I think you were extremely restrained. Speak to your partner, tell her to butt out.

FallenCaryatid · 13/04/2012 08:11

I agree, he's an adult and can make his own choices, but as my DD is 21, I feel very sympathetic towards the sister's POV, however illogical and over-protective she is being.
She has obviously been the one reliable constant in his life for years and has also had a very damaged childhood. If you are going to gain her support, you need to obtain her trust.
You could ignore her and try to marginalise her, but she is a huge part of his life and a choice for him would be very difficult and have a very long-term impact.
Toy boy? How is he supporting himself whilst he becomes an accountant? Do you already have a child or children?
Only time will tell, but I also agree with the posters who are saying that it would be unwise to add a baby into the relationship at this point. 8 months is an eyeblink, and at 22 he still has a lot of maturing and changing and experiences to do and to have.
You were very mature and dignified in your response to his sister OP, but I'd expect that in a woman of 33.

CailinDana · 13/04/2012 08:20

I can't believe some people are defending the sister. The OP's DP is a grown man, entitled to make his own decisions. The sister might be concerned, but there are mature ways of dealing with that, such as talking to her brother about it and maybe sussing out the OP in a subtle way. But to wade in and order her to break up with him? That's just way beyond the line.

OP, have you talked to your DP about this?

FallenCaryatid · 13/04/2012 08:31

He's 22, with a very confused and abusive background. I don't think anyone is denying that he's an adult and can make up his own mind.
Interesting that we don't know how much older than him the sister is.
I'd be a bit worried if my DD was in a relationship with a man 11 years older, I wouldn't interfere unless I felt he was abusive, manipulative or exploiting her inexperience. But I'd be waiting to pick up the pieces.
We know nothing at all about the OP or her previous relationships, perhaps the sister is wise to be protective, perhaps she is over-reacting. Who knows?

CailinDana · 13/04/2012 08:36

I wonder if people would be as sympathetic to the DP's relative if it was a brother rather than a sister? I just think her behaviour was totally unacceptable, no matter what her justification for it. If my sister (who I know loves me dearly and only has my best interests at heart) did something like this I would struggle to forgive her.

lisad123 · 13/04/2012 08:49

I wonder if the op has a child/ren already? Maybe it's more of a concern for his sister about that.
His very young and sister is clearly protective but she went about it very wrongly.

pictish · 13/04/2012 08:56

It doesn't matter a jot what anyone, including his overbearing sister, thinks of their age gap relationship.
Their involvement with one another is the decision of the two adults involved, and no-one else.

OP - I'd tell your boyfriend about the confrontation asap, and leave it with him.

I certainly wouldn't put myself through any more contact with the sister until she can apologise and behave herself.

FallenCaryatid · 13/04/2012 09:00

You mean she could be one of those 5 children by different fathers with a flatscreen TV and living on benefits types that so often come under fire by many on MN? OP, if you are I'd keep very quiet about it and continue to present yourself as an older woman in a blissfully happy relationship with a delightful younger man and a possessive and irrational sister. You'll get a lot more sympathy and understanding that way. You have started off well by using paragraphs and punctuation correctly. Always a sign on MN of The Right Sort of Poster.

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