to be worried the way my Mum's new partner treats my younger siblings

[fokily]

My mum has met a new man about 6 months ago and he moved in around 2 months ago (I was surprised with the speed as she'd been single for 8 years). He seems to have turned both my brother and sister into his personal servants. A couple of days ago whilst I was there my brother had to wash his car and when he'd done it he went out to inspect and he didn't think he'd done a ood enough job and so made him do it again. Meanwhile my sister was ironing his shirts and cooking dinner in the kitchen. Dsis is only 15 and my brother is 13. After dinner they were both expected to clean the kitchen floor as well as make him a sandwich for him to take to work the next day.
Its not just the level of chores its the way that he speaks to them, its almost with contempt. My mum on the other hand thinks he's brilliant and that he is helping them as they both have "brattish" qualities and apparently their behaviour has improved immeasurably since he moved in. I just can't help feel that the arrangement and atmosphere is very unhealthy though.

"I just can't help feel that the arrangement and atmosphere is very unhealthy though." Hmm... and if they move out asa they are old enough and have no further relationship with her and her partner she will see how unhealthy it was.

However - what do they feel about it? Expecting children to contribute is one thing - expecting them to do the lion's share is quite another.

And i can't help thinking that if they were 'brattish' according to your mum, enough for her to say this, she should have been the one to address it, not her new bloke.

but we don't know what the arrangement is. For all we know he may be paying them a fortune to do these things. Do you really think that if they were bratty before they would suddenly change because a man moved in and started demanding they wash the floors and make the sandwiches?

The OP doesn't really have a scooby though does she, she's already said she doesn't live there so she has no idea whether they do this because they want to or whether they are bullied into it. If her mother was single for 8 years it seems unlikely that she would just get with any man who came her way and so potentially tolerate what the OP is suggesting the man is doing.

You need to have a word with your mother

alarm bells are ringing for me.

YANBU

If some bloke my mum had shacked up with demanded I act as his personal servant I'd have told him to swivel. Even at 13/15. No, especially at 13/15.

The only thing that make me think twice and do what he said was if I was genuinely afraid of him or incredibly insecure. He'd have to have some kind of hold over me. Not saying that your mum's partner is harming them but if your brother and sister were really that bratty they wouldn't even contemplate being skivvies to this twat.

yes they need to be doing jobs to learn how to look after themselves but it should be cleaning up after lunch, hoovering the house and making thier own sandwiches. They are not to be used and spoken to as his servants - but should also be learning to be helpful towards people in genral. How do they feel abou it?

I suggests your mum and new dp watch an episode of super sweet 16 and educate themselves on actual brats lol.

Desperately is right, a real would kick up a right fuss at the thought of doing their own chores nm anyone elses.

LoopyLa that's a great post - I felt really sad for you but good that you and your mum are still close.

I was a single mum for 5 years and I can understand the excitement of meeting someone who wants to take on a "fatherly" role.

OP, has your mum convinced herself they need a strong father figure so she's turning a blind eye to the bullying aspect. I wonder if your mum may think they are more of a "family" now than when it was just her at home. That way she can believe all this is good for your brother and sister. I don't know if she can be made to see it's too much too soon?

He sounds like he enjoys power over all of them. Have you spoken to your siblings? Are they happy? Does this guy bring anything good to your lives?

Maggio- I don't live there no but that doesn't mean that I don't know what is going on.

I've managed to re-arrange things so that I can take them for a meal and the cinema because the more I think about it the more it doesn't sit right.

I'm glad to hear you're doing something OP. Please come back and update us what your sister and brother say. They sound to be lucky to have a sister who cares about them.

YANBU I'm glad to read that you are going to talk to them about it.

"I'm close as anything to my Mum, if someone had interjected, I'm not sure we'd still be close.."

Loopyla, why are you close to your mum when she allowed you to be treated so badly by her partner?

do they seem ok about it? Do they seem scared or do they seem to like him.

I wouldnt make too many assumptions from that post. Maybe speak to your mum if youre worried

Dozer good question and a fair one!

My mum was completely & utterly heartbroken when my dad left and while she put on a brave face, she lost weight and just "functioned", rather than lived. When she met my stepdad, he fed her up and they had some good times together and they married. She found someone who she could share her life with & a companion, although it was never going to be the grand love affair my dad was for her. She started to live life and, although he was an utter bastard, I think (to this day) that she was either blind to it or not strong enough mentally to deal with another confrontational situation.

I don't hate or resent her for it. I saw how broken she was and I can't imagine the pain she was in or how deeply my father leaving hurt her.

When I told her about the self-harming and how I felt about my stepdad, I could see how horrendous the truth was for her to hear. I made my peace with it then and with her and we moved on. As I said, she's still with him now but they do seem to have a better marriage than the earlier days. He has no power over me anymore and therefore he can't hurt me. It's also taught me a lot about how I want to be a parent (now expecting my first) and as they say, what doesn't kill you!...

So so sorry for hijacking this post, it wasn't supposed to be about me!!

LooyLa- I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. If you don't mind me asking how does your brother feel about it

paticker he's the type to not talk about feelings and is very much the 'stiff, upper lip' type of person so I couldn't honestly say. Having said that, he doesn't really talk to my stepdad very much at all now, so I'd imagine he doesn't hold many warm feelings towards him! He gets on fine with mum though.

YADNBU I've heard of this sort of thing happening before and it is damaging to the children affected. I'm glad you are going to try and do something. Good luck OP

I could not imagine being close or forgiving if my mum put a bad stepparent before her kids - sorry, that is bad parenting in my book. Op, let us know how you get on.

YANBU crikey it sounds toxic, he's the king of the castle and your sibling are his servants.

Is this a new variant of cocklodger? Man moves in with woman and gets her kids to slave over him?

I would tread carefully. How do you know that they arent all playing on the wii together on a night or, sat their with their feet up watching telly and eating pizza? Surely, if he's just moved in he will be making an effort and not just cracking the whip? They may be getting paid jolly good money. Is he younger than your mother? does he have a job or, sit on his arse all day? I dont think there's anything wrong with getting children to do chores, maybe your mother was running after them left right and centre for the past eight years?

See what they have to say tomorrow, I guess.