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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried the way my Mum's new partner treats my younger siblings

47 replies

fokily · 12/04/2012 11:36

My mum has met a new man about 6 months ago and he moved in around 2 months ago (I was surprised with the speed as she'd been single for 8 years). He seems to have turned both my brother and sister into his personal servants. A couple of days ago whilst I was there my brother had to wash his car and when he'd done it he went out to inspect and he didn't think he'd done a ood enough job and so made him do it again. Meanwhile my sister was ironing his shirts and cooking dinner in the kitchen. Dsis is only 15 and my brother is 13. After dinner they were both expected to clean the kitchen floor as well as make him a sandwich for him to take to work the next day.
Its not just the level of chores its the way that he speaks to them, its almost with contempt. My mum on the other hand thinks he's brilliant and that he is helping them as they both have "brattish" qualities and apparently their behaviour has improved immeasurably since he moved in. I just can't help feel that the arrangement and atmosphere is very unhealthy though.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/04/2012 11:46

That's really irresponsible of your Mum isn't it? Sad

Even if they do have 'brattish' qualities, that's for your Mum to sort out....not some random stranger encroaching on their home.

The trouble is, so many parents move new DP's into their homes so very quickly nowadays that I wonder if she'll even listen to you.

It's still worth you trying to speak to them though.

diamondsonthesolesofhershoes · 12/04/2012 11:49

Have either of them expressed any feelings about this?
And is their bio dad around/involved?
Although your mum might be happy with this arrangement and her new partner might be chuffed to have 2 new live in servants.. they might not be, and it could cause friction with their dad surely?

Annpan88 · 12/04/2012 11:49

YANBU. This would make me very uncomfortable. Have you spoken to them? How do they feel about it? Also have you spoken to your mother?

While it is your mothers life and she has the right to live with her partner, her children's happiness should come first

diamondsonthesolesofhershoes · 12/04/2012 11:53

Actually, regardless of my questions above, this would ring alarm bells with me.
And that comes from personal experience. I regularly take my 17 yo sister in because of behaviour like this from our mother's partner.

Original poster
fokily · 12/04/2012 11:54

diamond-They hardly see our dad, he had an affair and moved away to London with her, to be honest my dad has been a complete twat to them since he left.
I haven't spoken to them about it yet but I'm trying to arrange for us to go out together on Saturday.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 12/04/2012 11:57

It's not unreasonable for teenagers to do some of the household chores, nor is it particularly unreasonable if (for instance) they are made to do extra chores either to earn pocket money or as a consequence of bad behaviour.
However, that doesn't mean this man can bully them. Before he moved in, what was the situation with household chores? Because if neither of them ever lifted a finger, your mum might be pleased that now they are contributing. But if the man is throwing his weight around and making everyone run around after him because He Is The Man then there could be a problem.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/04/2012 11:57

I think your mum is very irresponsible in letting a man she'd only known for 4 months, move in with her children - I'd be having serious words with her.

I hate how some women just let random men move in and start bossing their kids around. If your siblings are bratty, then your mum should be dealing with it, not letting random strange bloke do it.

Do you think there is anything wrong with how they behave or do you think she is trying to justify his behaviour by saying the kids are 'bratty'?

Original poster
fokily · 12/04/2012 12:01

karma- I've never found them bratty to be honest, they've occaisionally threw tantrums when I looked after but nothing particualary major nor was it frequent.

OP posts:
ragged · 12/04/2012 12:01

What's his secret? What does he do to persaude two teenagers to wait on him & clean the house without complaining? Has he authoritative charisma or what else does he do to make them comply?

My friends get their teens to do all that but A) they present a united haranging front at the first sign of non-cooperation, B) the teens are HE so have less outside rebel influence, C) the teens are reminded that they are HE & how much they should appreciate that & therefore do their bit.

diamondsonthesolesofhershoes · 12/04/2012 12:02

Hmm.. well while I think that them being asked to do chores and help out is no bad thing, and probably will do them some good if they are a bit brattish, this man is NOT the person to be enforcing this.
And your mum should be aware of the possible implications in the future. At 13 and 15, I can't think that they would be happy at this new imposter, especially after 8 years of having their mum to themselves.
Do you think there's anything to gain in talking directly to your mum?

Original poster
fokily · 12/04/2012 12:09

ragged- I don't know to be honest as I don't live there but they seem to comply to his every wish.

OP posts:
Maryz · 12/04/2012 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2012 12:11

If you don't yet know whether they're unhappy or not, it might be that he's paying them to do all these chores and they're very happy to do them.

Either way, it's still awful to have your personal space/home encroached upon by a stranger.

paticker · 12/04/2012 12:18

Its sounds horrific, your mum is happy to sit their and allow her new man who she probably doesn't even know that well turn her children in his personal slaves. He actually inspected how your brother had washed his car, did he make him salute also. This sounds very worrying to me, I've heard about men who pick up on women who are vulnerable and weak and they just take over and bully the family into conforming to his wishes.

Angelico · 12/04/2012 12:23

Am really Shock at this. Yes, doing chores is good for kids - but not because they are afraid of a complete stranger who has been forced into their lives. And OP I'm sorry but your mum has been totally irresponsible. Maybe she is lonely and was longing to meet someone but I have never met anyone in this situation who moved someone in that fast and then lived happily ever after. When people have kids they need to be more cautious. Please talk to your mum and if you have concerns talk to your siblings. If they are being bullied or intimidated they need support. I know you don't know the situation and I'm not saying he definitely is a bully but there is something about that post which rang alarm bells.

wannaBe · 12/04/2012 12:25

In principle I don't think there's anything wrong with getting teens to do chores. In principle I don't actually think there's anything wrong with a stepparent enforcing some discipline if he/she lives in the same house as the dc. For me the short time would be of concern, but everyone does things differently, and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another and vice versa.

What I would do is try to talk to your siblings, but do it with an open mind. Just because this man makes them do chores doesn't mean he's abusing them.

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2012 12:26

He's not a step parent though

He's a boyfriend that's only lived there for 2 months

Big difference.

badtasteflump · 12/04/2012 12:31

I agree that in principle there's nothing wrong with teens doing chores.

But he is a virtual stranger who your mum has only known for 6 months. IMO he has no right to be telling them what to do in their home. What a f**king cheek! Why would your mum sit back and allow him to take over like that?

Alarm bells would be ringing for me, definitely.

NotMostPeople · 12/04/2012 12:32

My Mum had a boyfriend like this, I was about 13 and my brother was 9. I did loads of jobs, had to bring his beer from the fridge, clean the car and babysit a lot. I earned a fortune from him, quite liked him as he was fun and he had a good job so for the first time in years we started to have some of the things that my peers had. I got paid for the babysitting, car washing etc and didn't mind the beer passing/sandwich making because I liked him and the nicer atmosphere in our home.

When he came home in his car one day, drunk my Mum threw him out as she wasn't prepared to put up with someone with an alcohol problem. I hadn't really seen the signs and was quite sad to see him go.

Maryz · 12/04/2012 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heswall · 12/04/2012 12:36

There really ought to be something you can do OP but the truth is you can't without upsetting your mum and causing a family row. Just be there for them if they need an escape route.

sparkina · 12/04/2012 12:42

Don't like the sound of this at all he sounds very controlling. I'd be very concerned. Sounds like he wants to let everyone know whose boss and have everyone dance to his tune. Don't think I'd want him round my family. You are right to be concerned. I'd go with my instincts on this one and tackle it head on. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

gnesher · 12/04/2012 12:51

He sounds like a bully who has charmed your mum into thinking that your siblings should be his personal servant at his beck and call. This is deeply concerning and you MUST do something to help them, they are both at ages where they could be permamnently damaged if this is allowed to continue.

porcamiseria · 12/04/2012 13:09

what gnesher said, Oh dear OP.

def keep a close eye on this

LoopyLa · 12/04/2012 14:41

fokily sadly this sounds very similar to a situation that I grew up in Angry

I was 14 and my brother 11 when my Mum got together with my stepdad. I can't recall how long it was before he moved in but he was manipulative, a pathological liar, strict and a really nasty bully. We weren't bratty at all and in fact was already helping round the house for a few years before he came along as my dad had left a few years before & Mum was working full time so we helped out as it helped her.

We did daily & weekly chores and we'd also have our work 'inspected'. He was a complete bastard and loved being in control. Even when I left for uni and came back home 3 years later, he was exactly the same and I was 21 - but still treated like a naughty child!!

I'm 34 now and in all honesty, feel like my teenage years were robbed from me because of this man. For whatever reason, my Mum has remained with him (even though at one point I admitted to her that I was self-harming because I hated him so much) all this time but now I'm a grown-up adult and don't take any of his crap - he's lost his control over me now so anything he says is water off a duck's back & I couldn't care less.

The point I'd like to make is tread very, very carefully. I recall one time my Aunty (Mum's sister) sticking up for my brother after my Stepdad had a go at him and my Mum has never forgiven her for it and it made the situation worse. We didn't have anyone to 'rescue' us and while I'm close as anything to my Mum, if someone had interjected, I'm not sure we'd still be close...it's a difficult situation and I think you're very brave to want to intervene into the relationship.

My thoughts are with you, do let us know how you get on?

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