Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DH thinks meals are solely my responsibility

69 replies

WifiNappies · 11/04/2012 19:15

I told DH tonight that I'm fed up of always being the one who has to think about food ie. what we will eat, what we need to buy, what the baby will eat etc. I'm not even that fussed about food myself so why is it always me. He told me to suck it up because "that's what mums do" and I went apeshit. WIBU?

OP posts:

TotemPole · 11/04/2012 20:00

Do you both work? Or are you at home all day?

I don't think it's your responsibility to think about food and what you should be eating. Once a week with him, at a relaxing time, plan the meals for the week and what you need to buy. Then order online or decide who can pick up what depending on your schedules.

GrahamTribe · 11/04/2012 20:02

Great response Goolash. :)

TotemPole · 11/04/2012 20:05

I agree that they way he's worded it makes him a bit of an arsehole but if you're cooking a meal, it's petty to not cook for the other adult in the home.

marriedinwhite · 11/04/2012 20:12

I think it depends whether you are a sahm or whether you both do an equal amount of paid work outside the home.

Snakeonaplane · 11/04/2012 20:16

DH makes cheese on toast for every meal for the dc if I don't intervene. I hate having to always be the food police too. However I do the shopping so it sort of stands to reason that I know what's for dinner.

Yanbu if he does the shopping and you work.

FeakAndWeeble · 11/04/2012 20:20

Why is it dependent on whether the op is a SAHM?
Who says that his working day has ended yet hers has to extend to doing the cooking every day?
What about weekends - he gets 2 days off but she has to carry on doing the cooking 'because that's what mum's do'?!
As far as I understand it (and I've been a SAHM) being a SAHM means that you Stay Home To Take Care of the Children. Not Stay-home-do-all-the-cooking-and-the-cleaning-and-become-a-parent-to-your-partner-cos-you-no-longer-work-outside-the-home.
He's a tit.

TotemPole · 11/04/2012 20:24

If she's a SAHM, she has time during the day to shop and get food organised. He's out of the home working so can't do cooking until he gets home.

His attitude needs addressing but you need to realistic about what each parent can do and how to manage around other commitments.

FeakAndWeeble · 11/04/2012 20:29

Yep. I see that. So I'd tell DH I was planning on going shopping the next day and could he think of anything he'd like to cook during the week. He's not one for faffing about so he'd usually say something nice and easy like sausages, or veg to make a soup etc. Then we'd take it in turns to do the cooking, and he'd know what he was going to make when he got home. Now I work p/t we still do this. We did it when we had no child and both worked f/t. It's simple.
If he ever dared to tell me that something was my responsibility because of my gender I would be furious.
The OPs partner hasn't said she ought to cook because she's at home more; he's said it's because 'that's what mum's do'. I'm amazed that some people are actually defending such a moronic comment.

Snakeonaplane · 11/04/2012 20:29

Surely part of taking care of the children is sorting out what they are having for dinner, OP doesn't say he doesn't cook just that he wants her to decide what the family eats.

lolajane2009 · 11/04/2012 20:35

only cook for you and your child till he apologises

Goolash · 11/04/2012 20:35

I was going to say something similar to FeekAndWeeble

I used to be a SAHM. Yes I'd do most of the meal planning and most of the cooking. I saw no reason why my husband wasn't capable of making an easy lunch at the weekend. Saying that he really fancied a curry and going to buy any ingredients needed. Participating in making a Sunday roast.

ChunkyPickle · 11/04/2012 20:40

But that's like those annoying people who always expect you to figure out what do do on a day out. Doing all the deciding is draining.

Even if you accept the premise that SAHM == housework dogsbody (which neither I nor DP certainly do) then how about the weekends when he isn't working - surely they should do one day each if that's fair.

How about evenings? If she's spending all day doing housework and kids, why should she spend more hours cooking in the evening too? Shouldn't that be shared?

I know that if I was doing the majority of the cooking, and I said to DP that he could pick tonight, then he would, and he'd cook it.

Yama · 11/04/2012 20:42

Lots of us work and Totem.

I enjoy cooking and like being in control of what I eat (healthy and tasty). This leaves dh with the lion's share of the housework and the thinking for the kid's stuff - appointments/ativities/homework etc. Cooking much preferable.

Op - YANBU. Your husband sounds horrible.

Yama · 11/04/2012 20:43

Work and Totem. Ha ha, I meant work and cook Totem.

WibblyBibble · 11/04/2012 20:44

"If she's a SAHM, she has time during the day to shop and get food organised. He's out of the home working so can't do cooking until he gets home."

How do you think people who don't have children but have jobs manage, then? Or (gasp) single parents who have jobs? Just because he's out of the house doesn't mean he can't do anything.

TotemPole · 11/04/2012 20:45

FeakAndWeeble, your set up sounds ideal. I discuss with DC what we're having over the week. I can't imagine not doing that. I also don't understand how an adult wouldn't want to give some input to the meal decisions

HappyMummyOfOne · 11/04/2012 20:47

I think it depends on if you work or not too. If you are a SAHM then you are quite happy for him to work x hours to earn enough so that you dont have to so in return why shouldnt he see the household jobs as your reposonsibility.

If you both work the same number of hours, then it should be shared unless you have a preference for a particular job.

ChunkyPickle · 11/04/2012 20:51

Happy mummy - perhaps it's not that he's working so that she doesn't have to, but more that she's not working so that she can look after their child rather than put him in nursery - I know that that's the case here - we could put DS in nursery, I could go out to work, and there'd be a bit more money coming in (even after enormous nursery fees) - but the meals would still need to be cooked, the cleaning would still need to be done and we'd have to manage.

I don't see why going to work for 8 hours a day means you don't have to participate in looking after the family.

Pandemoniaa · 11/04/2012 20:51

I can't be doing with people who have expectations. Let alone gender based ones. As it happens, I do most of the cooking in the week. It suits me and it fits best around our patterns of work. DP does all the washing up. But if he started to express some sort of entitlement over meals it'd be the quickest route to hunger. His.

So YANBU in being pissed off with his response. Nobody, in this day and age, should even think there's such a thing as women's or mother's work, let alone put these thoughts into words.

Snakeonaplane · 11/04/2012 20:54

Have to say, I get mightily pissed off with dh when I come home from work and he has had a day at home but hasn't made dinner, we both finish late however on many evenings, such as this one, I haven't made dinner when he gets home. It's wrong isn't it

ChunkyPickle · 11/04/2012 20:59

Snakeonaplane - that's just end of a long day annoyance though isn't it.. rather than anything worse..

Winkly · 11/04/2012 21:00

Well both my parents worked outside the home, and when my dad got in he would peel the potatoes and get them on the boil. My mum would do the processed meat in breadcrumbs as it was the 80s meat and veg when she got in. Dad washed up. That, imo, was fair and your OH has made himself sound like a proper knob.

BungerBear · 11/04/2012 21:02

'that's what mums do'.................. for their CHILDREN. OP is not his mum. When it comes down to it he is responsible for what he eats. Obviously when living together/married etc. responsibilities are shared so it isn't as cut and dried as each being responsible only for themselves.

But the OP expressed a little frustration with it always being her job and was met with an unhelpful attitude. Being a SAHM does not make it your job to make sure the man is looked after. If both partners worked full time someone would still have to shop and cook after work. If he lived on his own he would have to do this surely. Or would he go around to his Mum's cause thats what mums do?

I think the OP wanted a helpful discussion between two adults about how to organise family meals. It sounds like it was an ongoing source of frustration. Unless OP was haranguing him in a crazy manner over it she is not being UR to address it. Maybe he was being flippant but he was UR.

FWIW my DH thinks he was asking for a beating with that response.......

Original poster

WifiNappies · 11/04/2012 21:06

We usually both work full time. At the moment neither of us are working (I'm on mat leave, he is self-employed and taken the month off).

When he is working I cover all the food stuff without issue. I don't actually mind cooking but I'd personally be happy with cheese and crackers on an evening. As someone else said, he expects food from scratch but if it were him home alone he'd shove a pizza in.

I do think I'm overly obsessed with what we are all going to eat atm (just weaning the baby) but I wish he took more interest and this was what I pointed out. It wasn't just a one off thing tonight, it has been building up for a bit and we DO have amiable discussions occasionally but this one got a bit out of hand.

I find it quite a big responsibility to be the only one interested in and preparing what our daughter eats and I don't think it should be just my job as the mum! I've been bf'ing her for 6 months on my own so I thought he'd be delighted to have an input

I had thought that during this month we would share the care of DD a bit but he keeps going off to do 'man stuff' and nothing is any different for me

But yeah I'm just ranting/whinging sorry! Thanks for your responses. This was very cathartic if nothing else!

OP posts:

BungerBear · 11/04/2012 21:27

Sounds like you needed a good rant! It seemed like a restrained one to me though :) Also sound like you usually have a system that works for you but sometimes you need a bit more help or a change in the way things are done. I think that response was really flippant - I would have gone apeshit too. But a month off to do 'man stuff'?

Shame its not barbeque season.....he might like to do 'big man cook on fire' whilst doing 'man stuff'....

Cook what you like for you (and DD) and if he likes it he eats it, if not then too bad - he made his choice and was too busy doing 'man stuff'. But tell him this first - it gives him a choice....

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread