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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want another baby

50 replies

CalamityLame · 11/04/2012 18:44

We have one DD, aged 2.3, whom I love with every fibre of my being. When she was born I was adamant that I didn't want another child, and made that very clear to DH.

I had awful PND, and found having a baby incredibly difficult. We also really struggled financially and are just about gettig to the point where we are comfortable enough to buy some new clothes, or go to the pub once in a while, and have a meal out possibly once a month. DD is very happy, developing well and an absolute delight (though still hard work!) We are very lucky and have a lovely life.

DH started talking about having another baby about a year ago, I suppose.

We've been discussing it for a while now and, while I think it's lovely and exciting, I just can't completely get on board with it. I loved being pregnant and think babies are great, and I know that I might not get PND this time, and that it's easier second time around etc etc, BUT -

I just don't want another child. I am happy with the family that we have and feel like having another would just be pushing our luck. Everything will be more expensive (holidays, Christmas, birthdays, meals out, food shopping etc) - I know there are economies of scale for some things, but really, two children cost more than one child. We manage nicely as it is and I worry that we would struggle to give two children the life that I want to.

Am I being unreasonable? I know that not having another one would break DH's heart.

I genuinely want to know - what should I do? I feel so conflicted and it's always there in the back of my mind, weighing up pros and cons, convincing myself that it'll be fine and then worrying that I won't be able to cope.

So, AIBU to tell DH that I definitely dont want another child?

OP posts:
Original poster
CalamityLame · 11/04/2012 18:46

Gosh, sorry, that was long. Stream of consciousness...

OP posts:
callmemrs · 11/04/2012 18:47

No, what would be unreasonable would be to have a child when you're not totally sure you want one. Both parties need to be committed to wanting one.

TheDetective · 11/04/2012 18:49

Why do you need to make that decision now? I've waited 10 years to have a second. For a million reasons.

GrahamTribe · 11/04/2012 18:50

Would you want another if you were able to afford it and had a guarantee of no PND? That's the crux of the matter. If you would, then there is still room for discussion and to explore the idea. If you would still have reservations then your answer to DH must be "no". He may be disappointed although you won't "break his heart". But, if you are guilt-tripped into having a child which you don't really want it could break you

pepperyrocket · 11/04/2012 18:52

Gosh that's a toughie.

If you had more money would you want another baby? Finances seem to be the chief reason you're against having a second. If so, then that's a problem which may be remedied (depending on your situation) and so you might be able to get on board.

How old are you? Unless you're running out of time, there's no rule saying you have to pop out a baby every year or two.. It's perfectly fine to wait another year or two and see how you feel then.

Ultimately, it's a joint decision - yes it's you who has to be pregnant, but your husband has a 50% say. So you need to sit down with him and thrash it out.

From your original post it doesn't sound like you 'definitely' don't want another child. It sounds like you're torn, and so ruling it out completely wouldn't be the right thing to do.

pepperyrocket · 11/04/2012 18:52

x post with everyone!

JingleMum · 11/04/2012 18:54

leave it for now, tell DH to drop it for the time being. see what happens in the next few years, circumstances change, feelings change.... never say never.

iloveACK · 11/04/2012 18:55

I don't think you should do anything you don't want to do. It's a big decision to make & you both need to be on board with it.

I have 3 boys & absolutely love it, but going from 1-2 children is hard work & expensive so I would never have gone ahead with further children had I not been absolutely certain it was what we both wanted.

I think you need to talk it through with your husband again & tell him how you feel. Listen to how he feels & then consider things again (both of you). Even if it's still a no, that doesn't mean you won't change your mind. Plenty of my friends are only now having their second babies once the eldest is in Reception (5 yr age gap) as childcare costs for 2 were prohibitive & it's also much easier to deal with a 5 yr old & baby than with smaller age gaps (at least in their opinion as 5 yr olds are pretty independent & self sufficient & sleeping through the night!!)

Good luck however you proceed. Smile

Original poster
CalamityLame · 11/04/2012 18:55

If we could definitely afford it, yes I would have another.

But we would struggle. I know that we would. I can't go back to that.

TheDetective - if we had another, We would like them to be fairly close in age (ie within 4 years ish)

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 11/04/2012 18:58

I agree with others who say wait a few years, discuss with your dp to not pressure you and put it on the back burner for several years and then see how you both feel!

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2012 18:59

My DH doesn't want another and I do. I have to respect his wishes. We are sticking at one regardless of the masses of people telling me to have an 'accident'. Both people have to be on board.

However, if he can rework your budget or find a way financially, let him look into it.

jubilee10 · 11/04/2012 19:00

I think it's a really hard one. I wanted a third child and dh didn't. If I am being completely honest he didn't really want any. However we talked about it a lot and he agreed. I had 2 mc's before ds3 so have a 9 year gap. It has not been easy. I work full time and dh is mostly at home but he doesn't do any childcare, except in an emergency as he wouldn't have chosen to have another child. Three children are really expensive and that falls mostly to me as dh has his hobbies and I have the children. However how ever hard it is he is a little darling and I wouldn't be without him.

You have to tell him how you feel and go from there.

Original poster
CalamityLame · 11/04/2012 19:04

iloveACK, that's really interesting. All of our friends had them v close together, our siblings are all close in age too. Anecdotally, it seems as though large age gaps aren't nice for the children. All families are different, of course.

Yes, it is mainly a money thing because we really struggled, but there's somethig else that I can't quite put my finger on.

We had DD very quickly without planning anything - I'm now 25, DH is 34, so I know that time's not running out, but he wants another baby ASAP and I'm just feeling so pressured by it that I think I'm totally backing off. It's actually making me quite irritable and I've stopped wanting him to touch me quite so much. We talked this weekend about putting it off until the end of the year, but even that felt too soon.

Obviously just leaving it for a while would be best, but I am worried thy I'm being selfish.

OP posts:
birthdaygurl · 11/04/2012 19:07

tell Dh to leave it for a year and see how you feel. between all of mine I have gone through this is the last, to yes I want another. (pregnant with no4)

Chilenachica · 11/04/2012 19:08

I think that as long as you feel that you don't want another child you shouldn't have another child.

If you feel different five years on then have a child then. I know some people might say what if you can't get pregnant when you're older etc, but it's not them who doesn't want another child.

It's not like going on a holiday that you didn't want to go on, or doing a job you don't enjoy. Everything else is temporary, but a child whose mother didn't want more children lives with the effects.

Original poster
CalamityLame · 11/04/2012 19:14

MrsTP I bet it must be so hard for the partner that does want another child - I'm also acutely aware that if it were reversed, I would have loads of people telling me to do it 'accidentally'. It just doesn't seem fair that my word is final. What I mean is, we make decisions together usually but this time it feels as though I am calling the shots, which isn't really what our relationship is about.

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 11/04/2012 19:14

Could it be your dh age, I know my dh didn't want to be an old dad at the school gate ( which is silly IMO)

But if you don't want any more at this time Yanbu

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2012 19:16

It is hard. Luckily, DD is fantastic Grin Also, it might be harder if I would ever consider an accident. However, in my mind, it is just as impossible for me to do that as for him (emotionally rather than physically).

McHappyPants2012 · 11/04/2012 19:18

With children the one who don't want children do get to call the shots, and ultimately have there way as there is no compromise that can be reached.

Holidays, jobs, housing, school ect compromise can be made, but brining another child in the world there isn't

baileyslover · 11/04/2012 19:26

We wanted one more, and ended up with a possible 3! (17 weeks with naturally conceived triplets)

Think you need to be 100% sure before you start trying as to regret it would be horrendous for everyone

SootySweepandSue · 11/04/2012 19:27

I do think although it should in theory be a joint decision, it is really up to you. I just think a womans life changes 100% with a baby and a mans not so much, especially if you take longer than a year off. I mean you give up 2 years of normality with a baby from being pregnant to getting to just 12 months when it gets easier. He needs to respect your decision.

Cherriesarelovely · 11/04/2012 19:31

Seriously OP just leave if for now. You are still very young. I'm not patronising you, I know it is a difficult decision but you may or may not change your veiwpoint in a few years time (and theoretically you have quite alot of years to think).

I do understand how you feel. I had PND with my DD and horrible birth experience and was admamant about never wanting to do it again despite DD being absolutely fantastic. By the time she was about 4 I really did want another, although I WAS worried about the things you have pointed out. I was pretty desperate actually but I never concieved again and so we have stuck with 1 and after a few sad years it is really fine, lovely actually. I feel lucky to have our gorgeous DD.

I really wouldn't agree to anything when you are feeling like this. Good luck, it must be tough if your DH feels very differently.

Iggly · 11/04/2012 19:42

Toughie.

I want three, DH 2. So we stick at 2.

Actually I know DH is right because mentally it has taken it's toll die to having two refluxy babies. A third would push me over the edge!

Be frank with your DH - you have all the power here as it's you who is most affected. Tell him the impact that the pressure is having and hopefully he'll back off.

Heswall · 11/04/2012 19:50

I had 6 years between DC3 and DC4 and now think everyone shoudl have a large age gap, it's the way forward and I am enjoying DC4 so so much more for having had a break.

tuffie · 11/04/2012 19:51

I think there is quite a lot of pressure from society to have more than one child - for company, stigma of being an only child etc. However I definitely only ever wanted one - luckily dh felt the same. We have a fantastic and very much loved ds - now in his 20s -and our house was always full of his friends so he was never lonely. We have never regretted it, and indeed would have felt bad bringing another child into the world when we really didn t want another.

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