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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want another baby

50 replies

CalamityLame · 11/04/2012 18:44

We have one DD, aged 2.3, whom I love with every fibre of my being. When she was born I was adamant that I didn't want another child, and made that very clear to DH.

I had awful PND, and found having a baby incredibly difficult. We also really struggled financially and are just about gettig to the point where we are comfortable enough to buy some new clothes, or go to the pub once in a while, and have a meal out possibly once a month. DD is very happy, developing well and an absolute delight (though still hard work!) We are very lucky and have a lovely life.

DH started talking about having another baby about a year ago, I suppose.

We've been discussing it for a while now and, while I think it's lovely and exciting, I just can't completely get on board with it. I loved being pregnant and think babies are great, and I know that I might not get PND this time, and that it's easier second time around etc etc, BUT -

I just don't want another child. I am happy with the family that we have and feel like having another would just be pushing our luck. Everything will be more expensive (holidays, Christmas, birthdays, meals out, food shopping etc) - I know there are economies of scale for some things, but really, two children cost more than one child. We manage nicely as it is and I worry that we would struggle to give two children the life that I want to.

Am I being unreasonable? I know that not having another one would break DH's heart.

I genuinely want to know - what should I do? I feel so conflicted and it's always there in the back of my mind, weighing up pros and cons, convincing myself that it'll be fine and then worrying that I won't be able to cope.

So, AIBU to tell DH that I definitely dont want another child?

OP posts:

Cherriesarelovely · 11/04/2012 19:54

baileyslover WOW! Congratulations that is amazing, best of luck to you and your family!

NoWayNoHow · 11/04/2012 20:06

Sorry, but I do think that something as life-changing and irreversible as bringing another life into the world has GOT to be a joint decision that both parties are 100% committed to.

And, simply coming from the perspective of someone who had a bad pregnancy and labour, I do think it has to be slightly weighted towards the partner who is going to have to go through the physical and emotional process that comes with pregnancy, labour and (as in your case) what may come afterwards.

Personally, my DH would never dream of putting pressure on me to have another because he knows that, whilst it's obviously a case of co-parenting for many many years, it's not him who has to go through that initial process to get the baby here in the first place...

MirandaGoshawk · 11/04/2012 20:11

No, YANBU. Don't be pressurised if you're even a bit unsure you want another one.

DPrince · 11/04/2012 20:12

I have an almost 7 year gap between my dd (almost 8) and dd (13 months). The gap wasn't planned, buts I s great. If we were to have another I would have the same gap again. Dd is amazing with ds and they have a great bond. Ds adores her. My best friend, on the other hand, has 13 months between hers and regrets it. Not everyone's the same though. Small gaps work for some and large for others. If you don't want one at the moment, don't. That doesn't mean you won't change your mind.

puds11 · 11/04/2012 20:17

I think if you dont want another one, then be firm about it. I am exactly the same. Whilst i love my DD dearly, there is no way in hell that i will ever even be tempted to have another one. My DP however, says that he would be open to having another one. He does not pressure me though, because he would not be ready for one now, and i think he's got the message that there wont be another one coming out of me.
I want to be able to give my child a comfortable life, be able to send her to uni and take her on nice holidays. Due to my DP's job, and the job im likely to get, we will never have a lot of money, but could easily be comfortable if we only have the one child.
I also feel ive missed the window of oppertunity for my DD to have a close sibling, she is 3.5 now, so a baby would be over 4 years younger than her, and i feel it would cause more problems than keep her company.
Its also a lot easier to get people to look after just the one child, and i look forwrd to having more freedom as she grows up. This is already becoming possible now, but if i had another, it would set it back a few years.

HavePatience · 11/04/2012 20:26

Calamity, my ds is one year older than your dd but I feel and have felt the same way. The difference is that dh agrees with me.

People tell me we are selfish for not wanting another for financial reasons (primarily). I also think that getting pg and having a new baby again would be amazing and I would do that in a heartbeat, but the idea of a second child would mean a very different life and not one that I would like for us, as a family.

There are days when I think it would be lovely, but I always come back to reality. I really think our family of 3 is complete. We both adore ds. He is the joy of our lives.

I don't have much advice, just wanted to say that I can see how you feel and do empathise with our rationale for staying with one child.

HavePatience · 11/04/2012 20:29

*your rationale. Sorry for that typo

Spinkle · 11/04/2012 20:46

I only wanted one. I have one. My DH would have liked another but I made myself quite clear about that. He's accepted it pretty well.

Mrsjay · 11/04/2012 20:52

you dont have to decide now i have 5 years between mine for a variet of reasons PND being a major part of it , i didnt want a toddler and a newborn , loads of different things , just say to your husband you are not ready for another baby and you did say you didnt want 1 you may change your mind but dont feel pressured into another child ,

scummymummy · 11/04/2012 20:55

Your daughter is still a baby and you are still a baby at 25! Even your dh is only a tiddler at 35.:) Plenty, plenty, plenty of time. Don't get hung up about having to decide now. All age gaps have pros and cons and lots of only children absolutely thrive, so there are no right or wrong answers here. Just don't put yourself under unnecessary pressure by thinking that you have to jump one way or the other right now.

Loonybun · 11/04/2012 20:59

Well I'm 31 pregnant with my second child and my first is nearly 9! Whole host of reasons including pnd. You've got time. Don't worry about it now!

HappySeven · 11/04/2012 21:30

I agree with Loony. I had a four year gap as I was nowhere near ready when everyone else had a 2 year gap. My two adore eachother and I found it so much easier 2nd time around. I could even be tempted to have a third....

Don't be swayed by what others do. My DH and his brother have 2 years between them and were close till 10 and 12 and then never really spoke again. My siblings and I are 3.5, 9 and 13 years apart and chat all the time.

Original poster

CalamityLame · 12/04/2012 08:03

Thanks everyone, it is great to have all of your opinions. Now I feel as though I've been getting myself into a tizz over nothing! It is obvious that I'm nowhere near ready for another, which is why I've been putting DH off for so long, and I suppose I just wanted to know if that was U of me.

I actually don't feel as though I'm being U now, thank you!

It is so lovely to hear about other people's experiences, especially baileyslover - wow! I hope your of goes well - and thanks HavePatience, it really makes me feel better to know that someone else feels the same way that I do.

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 12/04/2012 08:43

You are really not ready now by the sounds of it. Don't rule it out completely though.

I've had PND with one and not the other - so it may or may not happen. What bits did you find hard?

I know a toddler - new born combo is extra hard work at first and there is no garantee they will get on or be play mates.

You are so young. I'd really recommend a larger gap. I know you said 4 years max but I have a 5 year gap and a 8 year gap and it's worked amazingly. The 9 year old and 1 year old are particularly wonderful together. Shes like a mini mum and they have so much fun and laughter! You will be more financially secure in a few more years and the eldest will be at school. It really will be a totally different experience.

MirandaGoshawk · 14/04/2012 12:52

I was having a think about this last night, because a few months back I got, not a baby, but a puppy thrust on me. And oh boy, is he hard work. (Stick with me, there's a point!)

He is supposed to be DS's pup, he's 18 lives at home, he paid for it, got its jabs etc. The thing is that the pup affects all our lives, he is demanding, we can't have a family holiday abroad this year, I have to often change my plans because DS/DH are out working all day (IWFH) & he chews/cries if left, my work gets disrupted etc etc. He is lovely but I would not get another puppy. Ever. (Older dog, yes.)

And this is a baby you are being pushed into considering - much more hard work/commitment than a pup. I've got two dch and I'd forgotten how hard it is having a new 'baby'.

dreamingofsun · 14/04/2012 17:33

surely this is also about the child - not just the parents. families i see - where there is a large age gap - seem to result in siblings with nothing in common. single children seem to be different to ones with sibblings - fine if thats the sort of child you want to raise.

thebody · 14/04/2012 17:59

I have 10 years between my oldest ds and my youngest dd. as soon as I had dd4 I felt complete, defiantly no more babies.

If u feel complete at 1 then that's it, no brainier, u may or may not change your mind but in the end it's your decision.

Defiantly don't get pregnant if u feel pressured. It's your body and your life.

thebody · 14/04/2012 18:02

Dreaming, my older dss are 22 and 21 and younger dds 15 and 12 and all are exceptionally close, my dds have in effect 3 fantastic male role models in their lives.

Lot of crap spouted about age gaps, they r what they r and it's life.

dreamingofsun · 14/04/2012 18:14

but as you've just said yourself - several of them are close to each other - so they have a sibling around their own age. i know this is a generalisation but i know some rather odd children who don't have any sibblings and several who hate theirs - yours are actually quite close in age to at least 1. my father was lovely though and he as an only child.

you must have seen lots of ruff and tumble and negotiation skills between yours? I think this is what an only child misses out on.

5318008 · 14/04/2012 18:19

I'm going to go against the flow here and say that you ought to be honest with your DH, tell him now that you don't want another child rather than string him along for possibly years

HappySeven · 14/04/2012 20:44

I think you're wrong *dreaming". As I said before my DH and his brother have a 2 year gap and don't bother with eachother whereas my siblings and I (13 year spread) are close. When we were growing up I only played with the one nearest me in age but now we're all adults we all spend alot of time together.

A good friend of mine has only one sister who is 7 years older than him and I don't think I know a closer couple of siblings.

NoWayNoHow · 15/04/2012 21:17

It was only a matter of time before some poster turned this into an only-child-bashing thread.

"Odd" dreaming?

"Fine if that's the sort of child you want to raise" - what exactly do you mean by "sort"?

Springforward · 15/04/2012 21:23

My Mum told me only to have a baby when you're utterly desperate for one, as they're frankly hard work and you have to be up for it. I think I agree, in the whole. (I have one.)

Springforward · 15/04/2012 21:24

*on

RandomMess · 15/04/2012 21:28

Calamity I think it's completely understandable that at the moment you don't want another child and that you may never change your mind on that. I do think you need to have a discussion with your dh about this - perhaps you could complete a few couples therapy sessions so you feel more confident in explaining to your dh how the pressure from him is making you back off more?

I know someone who chose to have a 4.5 year gap because she felt that was the smallest gap she could cope with if she got pnd again, fortunately 2nd time around it didn't happen.

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